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Dustfinger
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 Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 7:51 am Post subject: You lost my soul |
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Dead. That is what I am deep down, buried within me. Inside my being.
My soul crumples under your hot and icy hand, as it slowly, but firmly, tightens its
grip around my already wounded heart.
But, even though I suffer under your touch, you still manage to make it gentle and loving.
Hot tears slowly make their way down my swollen cheeks for the last time, dripping down to a pool cupped in my open palms.
As each one spills over, I think of you…how you held me tight…how you looked at me with your warm eyes.
I think of my best friends…how she wagged her tail and licked my face when I bent down to say good morning.
How she purred and cuddled against me at night to comfort me, when once again, without knowing it, you wounded me.
Who could have thought you were so cruel in the end?
I would give you parts of my soul. But you, so oblivious to everything, would not take them. Leaving them to wander aimlessly, lost, out in the world.
In time, my being diminished… and now here I am, ready to give you my last of everything, whether you will take it or not. |
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Last edited by Dustfinger on Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:53 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 1:53 am Post subject: |
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Hey there,
This isn't really poetry - at least, not as currently constructed. It's more like poetic prose. Try reformatting so that you have proper line breaks and so on, then we'll talk 
Also: "wonder" should be "wander" -- and you might want to take it easy on the repetition in the beginning there.
Cheers,
~bubbles |
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summergrl13
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:40 pm Post subject: |
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Samesies for me!
You need to break this up, and it sonds a little ranty, so I would make it a little more flowy and smooth. Like, for instance, how you said,
"Tears slowly make their way down my swollen cheeks for the last time."
you could change it too,
"My hot tears slowly slide down my cheek and the side of my last nose, falling from my face for the last time."
You know what I mean? It's rather choppy and more story form but DON'T change it and put it in a story group. I think that you should still keep it as a poem but just mess with it.
I can see the whole story in this, you just need to make it more poetic. PM me when you do please! I'd love to read it when you're done!
0(o.o)0 |
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Writing for love is a pas
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 5:05 pm Post subject: |
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Wow.
This was really deep.
I think it is poetic in it's own, unique way.
I liked it.
I'm gonna give you a gold star.
_WFL_ |
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Dustfinger
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 11:42 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks all of you.
I really appreciate your help and stars.
I'm glad you all liked it. |
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When the power of love is greater than the love of power, there will be peace. |
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Tatra
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 12:29 am Post subject: |
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I think this is a very good poem, lots of emotions shown. It would be better, and a bit more poem-like, if it had some more format to it.
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My soul crumples under your hot and icy hand, as it slowly, but firmly, tightens its
grip around my already wounded heart. |
Added commas. Even though it's a poem, it does need punctuation.
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But, even though I suffer under your touch, you still manage to make it gentle and loving.
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Comma, and misspelling.
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| I think of my best friends…how she wagged her tail and licked my face when I bent down to say good morning, how she purred and cuddled against me at night to comfort me, |
I think this could be the start of a new sentence, or paragraph. Also, are we talking about one or two pets? If so, I think you need to separate the pets out, with new sentences, if nothing else.
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when once again, without knowing it, you wounded me.
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This could also be the start of a new sentence. Also, I'm a bit confused about this part. How does thinking back on her pet make him wound her? What does the pet have to do with the lover?
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I would give you parts of my soul, and you, so oblivious to everything, would not take them, leaving them to wander aimlessly, lost, out in the world.
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Run-on sentence, please separate your thoughts out.
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| In time, my being diminished |
Another phrase that confuses me.
Also, watch your ellipses. I think that many of them could be gotten rid of, with new format to emphasize what you want.
Play around with formatting, finding new ways of putting your poem together. See how that effects your poem, if you can find a new way of formatting it.
All in all, I think it's a great poem, that really connects the reader to the narrator of the poem. I think that formatting, and a bit of clarification will help, but that you have a great start.
Good luck with your poetry! |
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natalie
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 9:59 am Post subject: |
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Hi
At the moment the poem seems very broken, if you were to style it better, with more obvious verse etc it would run more smoothly. |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 11:14 am Post subject: |
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Yes... yes, I echo the others, it seems very broken and it also has bit too much navelgazing, and is it a cat or a Dog first I think it's a person, then a dog, then a cat? What is it. You don't involve readers, instead you tell us a rather drab story, something and something. You never let the readers in, a good storyteller can do that.
This has no structure making it worse, you have a lot of big words, but really the theme of the poem, could of been approached in a new an interesting way. For example:
| Quote: |
| Dead. That is what I am deep down, buried within me. Inside my being. |
Not even that an original of a beginning. Okay as a favour I shall put this into stanzas:
| Quote: |
Dead.
That is what I am deep down,
buried within me. Inside my being.
My soul crumples under your hot and icy hand,
as it slowly, but firmly, tightens its
grip around my already wounded heart.
But, even though I suffer under your touch,
you still manage to make it gentle and loving.
Hot tears
slowly make their way down my swollen cheeks
for the last time,
dripping down to a pool cupped in my open palms.
As each one spills over,
I think of you…how you held me tight…
how you looked at me with your warm eyes.
I think of my best friends…
how she wagged her tail and licked my face
when I bent down to say good morning.
How she purred and cuddled against me at night to comfort me,
when once again,
without knowing it, you wounded me.
Who could have thought you were so cruel in the end?
I would give you parts of my soul.
But you, so oblivious to everything,
would not take them. Leaving them to wander aimlessly,
lost, out in the world.
In time, my being diminished…
and now here I am,
ready to give you my last of everything,
whether you will take it or
not. |
Mind this is only a suggestion.
Now you love ellipses (like me) get rid of some of them. Use commas or full stops.
Overall: My main problem is you approach a old topic in a very cliche way, and for me it was unclear from some parts.
Good luck
VSN |
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