Turntable Jack
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 19 Jun 2008
Posts: 43
Reviews: 12
Country: USA
400 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 11:23 pm Post subject: Overcast |
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This is my first time submitting something, so do not get too mad if I did something wrong. A little mad is alright. 
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Overcast
The sun shines cheerfully above the human race,
Gleaming down, the rays light up our space.
But hit me not, they seem not to reach me.
Over me an overcast; obviously gloomy.
Give me a break, this must be illusive;
A six by six foot cloud keeping me captive?
Tried to plan an escape by dodging this cloud,
But believe it or not, it read my thoughts aloud.
Moving was meaningless, it followed my position.
Tried and tried to leave it, but it would just darken.
No one would help me, helplessness hit me.
So I gave in, and it became rainy.
I was lead to the land of the depressed.
Where others had clouds, and were under duress.
Everyone was silent, and not a soul did squeak.
I just stared at them all, and let the tension peak.
It is somewhat sad yet funny to ponder;
That the answer to depression couldn’t be any louder.
You see as a matter of fact,
You just need some human contact…
So as I stood there blinded by the darkness and rain.
I knew what I needed to do was explain.
Explain why I was so sad, why I own a frown.
I tapped the nearest shoulder, and laid my feelings down.
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Last edited by Turntable Jack on Fri Jul 18, 2008 12:26 am; edited 1 time in total |
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bubblewrapped
The Big Cheese
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
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Posts: 1766
Reviews: 578
Country: My own little universe
547 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 6:27 am Post subject: |
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Hi there,
Welcome to the site! I hope you're enjoying your stay, and would just like to say thanks for submitting two reviews before posting this
As for your poem - it's pretty good. You've kept most of the rhymes flowing naturally and I like the image of people walking around with clouds above their heads. Here are some of the things I think you could improve:
The sun shines cheerfully above the human race,
Gleaming down, the rays light up our space.
But hit me not, they seem not to reach me.
Over me an overcast; obviously gloomy.
As far as punctuation goes, I'd like to see you move the first full stop and put it after "But hit me not" -- I think that would give the line more emphasis. I also think you should perhaps replace the word "Over" with another word, as the repetition of the sound in "overcast" makes the line difficult and detracts from the flow.
Give me a break, this must be illusive;
A six by six foot cloud keeping me captive?
Tried to plan an escape by dodging this cloud,
But believe it or not, it read my thoughts aloud.
This rhyme feels strained. Perhaps you could work on changing it? Also, I love the use of illusive in the first line there. Might be good to find another word for "cloud" too.
Moving was meaningless, it followed my position.
Tried and tried to leave it, but it would just darken.
No one would help me, helplessness hit me.
So I gave in, and it became rainy.
For some reason, that last line makes me laugh XD You might want to tweak position/darken a bit, but other than that I like this part
I was lead to the land of the depressed.
Where others had clouds, and were under duress.
Everyone was silent, and not a soul did squeak.
I just stared at them all, and let the tension peak.
It feels like you're reaching with those last two lines. "Speak" might be better, perhaps, but then you're faced with the repeating sounds again. Hm. Perhaps rework those lines?
It is somewhat sad yet funny to ponder;
That the answer to depression couldn’t be any louder.
You see as a matter of fact,
You just need some human contact…
Ponder/louder doesn't work. Also, I'm not sure I agree with your blithe summation of the cure for depression -- perhaps you could make it specific, "my type of depression" maybe.
So as I stood there blinded by the darkness and rain.
I knew what I needed to do was explain.
Explain why I was so sad, why I own a frown.
I tapped the nearest shoulder, and laid my feelings down.
Nice ending.
Overall a good poem; just needs a bit of polishing here and there and you'll be good to go I'll look forward to seeing you around! Feel free to PM me if you need anything.
Cheers,
~bubbles |
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Men talk of heaven,—there is no heaven but here;
Men talk of hell,—there is no hell but here;
Men of hereafters talk, and future lives,—
O love, there is no other life—but here.
-- The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam |
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