Topic ID: 31857
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Nolan
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 Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 10:48 pm Post subject: Far Better Than Here |
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Note: This poem was written for my next-door neighbor, who has pancreatic cancer and about two or three weeks left to live.
I know the flow is a little bit off, but I was going more for meaning than flow.
I look into your eyes,
And the years reflect the pain.
A few more blue skies,
And the tears will come like rain.
The crisp, clear sun
Shines on this rainy day,
Telling you to have fun
But you have no way.
As death creeps closer,
Blowing wind upon your cheeks,
I know it is not over
Even though your life leaks.
Soon you'll be up above
Guarding us all.
The whole world will feel your love,
And you'll make the world feel small.
So don't shed another tear,
Frighten away your final fear.
Even though death creeps near,
You'll be in a better place, far better than here. |
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Last edited by Nolan on Fri Jun 20, 2008 7:17 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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CrossMyHeart
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:25 am Post subject: |
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Aw! That is really sweet of you. I loved how much feeling you put into it, you must have really cared about your neighbor. I think the flow was alright, not too off.  good job with your poetry!
~CMH~ |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 6:41 am Post subject: |
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I agree with CrossMyHeart, this is a lovely poem. I do think the rhymes in stanzas two and three are off a bit; it seems like you're reaching a bit to find a word that fits, and coherence is sacrificed along the way. Otherwise it flows nicely and the sentiment is sweet. I'm sure it meant a lot to him 
Cheers,
~bubbles |
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Sportgurl46
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 10:56 pm Post subject: |
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I love how you thought so much of your neighbor to write a poem about him. This peom was so amazing and insightful. You two must be close and I am so sorry that he only has a couple weeks to live.
The only thing with this peom is this verse:
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| You'll be in a better place, far better than here. |
I would just seperate them at that coma and make the two verses instead of one. Other than that, this poem is pretty much perfect!
Keep up the amazing work! |
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Samsal
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 11:36 pm Post subject: |
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| oh... this poem was very good. i hope you showed it to your neighbour. i could tell that you cared about that which you were speaking.nice |
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Sinkingtooslow
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 12:45 am Post subject: |
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This poem is so sweet and thoughtful.
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As death creeps closer,
Blowing wind upon your cheeks,
I know it is not over
Even though your life leaks. |
My only real critic is of the underlined line. I understand the use here of the word 'leak', however it seems sort of out of place and awkward. Just a thought.
Great work and God Bless your neighbor. |
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laughingfreakx3
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:17 pm Post subject: |
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That was an awesome poem.
That's very kind of you to think of your neighbor in that way.
I am sorry to hear that too.
bravo on the poem @('_')@ |
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Curlyqpride
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 6:16 am Post subject: wow |
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I almost cried when I read this. I know how it feels to have someone you love with such a painful conditon, and I really do hope your neighbor has read this poem as well.
This was really well written, it was just amazing overall, and I really wish I can see this in the books someday.
-Curly  |
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gamechanger10
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:43 pm Post subject: |
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your rythm wasn't too off. so don't worry.
this was a beautiful poem, none the less. with great feeling and emotion.
great piece!
-GC10 |
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