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Lady In Waiting
Lady In Waiting

by CastlesInTheSky in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on June 19, 2008
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An Apple and a Graveyard - Chap. 6
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 4
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 5
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Violet - Chap. 2
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 6
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 7
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Shadows of Eternity - Chap. 2

By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 2

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:39 pm    Post subject: By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 2 Reply with quote

Just in case some of you miss the date, I'm giving you the heads up that this is going back into the past, BEFORE Gen was all set to die, but escaped, etc. etc. Also, I'm sorry if I slip and write something in present tense. It's the tense I'm used to writing in, and I'm attempting to change that. Happy reading, and I hope I don't disappoint.

Chapter Two

June 6. 2008

Mackenzie Mountains

Before the judgement

The hunt consumed me. It consumed all of us. We ran, not having to resist the urge to yip for fear of frightening the game away anymore; the Pack was close to its query. I could smell the sweat of the elk as he ran. I could picture his wide brown eyes full of terror.

We had begun the hunt with our howls, warning all other Pack members away. Then my cousins and I roamed through our territory, until we found the herd of grazing elk. It was small this year; hunters beyond Mackenzie had done their work. We quickly picked out the elk standing apart from its herd, clearly sick and dying. Odd that it wasn’t among the herd, as the weak usually are.

We moved in on it from upwind, to prevent it from knowing our approach. But at the very last moment, Alyssa sneezed, and the herd bolted. We broke into a run, and the chase began.

My sharp ears could now hear the sound of the elk’s pounding feet against the hard, frozen ground. Hunger overwhelmed me at the image of tearing into that hide.

My cousins and I moved rhythmically, each knowing where the other was and where they needed to be. The wind blew in my face and I revered in the feel of freedom.

The elk was in sight now, its run feeble because of its illness. I picked up speed, baring my teeth in a wolf smile. We split up, two wolves on the left and right, and ran alongside the elk. Its eyes rolled and attempted to keep each of us in its vision.

Jeffery attacked first, darting at the elk’s side. Then Keith went next, jumping at the rump. Alyssa and I followed, nipping and biting the animal wherever we could to weaken it. We all stayed away from the elk’s swinging horns.

The sick animal was staggering. Encouraged, we renewed our efforts with more fervor. When Jeff was certain that the elk wouldn’t pierce him with its rack, he lunged at the throat. The bronze wolf tore into it violently, shaking his head from side to side, and hanging on despite the elk’s frantic bellowing and tossing. Finally, with a great moan, the elk slumped to the ground in defeat.

Jeff hung on for a few more moments, to be sure that the animal was truly dead, and then yelped triumphantly. Unable to resist the call of blood, we instantly began to gorge. The remains would be left for any of the other Pack members that wanted it.

* * * * *

I lay with my back on a bed of leaves, and stared up at the canopy of trees above. The sun managed to shine through in some areas, and little spots of light dotted our forest bed. Birds called to each other, and the air smelled sweet and fresh.

I could feel Jeff staring at me. We’d been lying there for hours, without speaking, and I resented the interruption.

“What?” I asked impatiently, turning my head to meet his clear gaze.

He shrugged. “Just thinking.”

I turned my back to him, my eyes fluttering shut. “About what?”

His fingers trailed over my bare skin, making patterns. For a moment he didn't answer, as if he was debating on saying anything. Then, “About why you keep saying no.”

A frown instantly overpowered the corners of my mouth, and I sighed. “We’ve been through this, Jeff. I’m not ready.” I was tired of him asking, was tired of the very topic.

Jeff took his hand away, and I missed his gentle touch. “Gen,” he said in a tight voice, “we both know that that’s not it. You’re holding back for some reason that you think you can hide from me. I’m not stupid.”

I glared at the bush in front of me. “And what do you think I’m hiding from you?”

He paused. “I have no idea. Another guy?”

I still didn’t turn to face him, but I laughed harshly. “You’ve found me out.”

Now his hand gripped my shoulder, turning me towards him. I resisted for an instant, but the pressure of his hand pained me. “Stop,” I snapped, when I was forced to roll back over. I crossed my arms over my bare chest.

Jeff’s eyes were hard and solemn, and he touched my pendant. “Don’t treat me like a pup, Gen. Stop toying with me.”

“Is that what you think I’m doing?”

“I’m not an idiot,” he continued as if I hadn’t spoken, “and I’ve seen the way you look at Mark Williams.”

I sputtered. “You are too an idiot if you think I even like that—”

“I won’t wait much longer, Genny. If you’re ready to commit the act of mating, then you’re certainly ready to have a mate. I want a family. I want you. But if you keep pulling away, I’ll find someone else.”

The idea of losing Jeff frightened me. Him and I had been together for three winters. And if I was honest, I had to admit that I had been holding back, and kept him waiting. I could have mated two years ago. And I did love Jeff…

But how could he think that I was attracted to Mark? He was a… a… there was no word to describe that… that…

Jeff couldn’t be more wrong. I hated Mark Williams.


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Last edited by KJ on Fri Aug 01, 2008 4:16 pm; edited 4 times in total
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bravo KJ!!!

This next chapter was brilliant. Jeff? I would never in the days I started reading your story think Jeff and Genny were together. She hated Mark? You are really good at writing the unexpected because now I'm curious. I don't see any slips are anything but this was really good. Your descriptions made me feel like I was running through the mountains with the pack. Your characters seem human enough even though technically they're not. The element of surprise is embedded perfectly in there and WOW!!
Good Job and Keep writing,
Angel Very Happy Very Happy

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love your description of the pursuit of the elk. It's so exciting! And written well too. I'm definitely loving this story! Many hearts I throw at it!!!

She hates Mark? And he helps her later? Oh my. Shocked What a triangle we have here.

Quote:
The hunt consumed me. It consumed all of us.
This is such an intriguing sentence, a great thing to start the chapter with! I just wanted to point that out. Very Happy

Quote:
We quickly picked out the elk standing apart form [from] its herd


And it does jump into the past rather abruptly. Maybe more of a hint then the date? Though it's really not necessary. Readers can puzzle it out.

Eh, that's all the nitpicking I can do.

Either way, I love where this is going!

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A tense moment for Gen and Jeff, eh? Very Happy

I just love how you made the moment be so…so…wolf-like but still kept it human. How he used mating and mate and stuff like that, but also kept the human emotions of love was just brilliant kels!

All right, I do have a nit-pick for you.

Quote:
We had moved in on it from the opposite direction that the wind was blowing, to prevent it from us coming.


I think you are missing a word here. You should slip the word “seeing” between “from” and “us”. Otherwise, the sentence doesn’t make sense.

Other than that, it all seemed good. No other errors that I noticed. Grammatically, as usual, everything was in place. And in this chapter, the flow was nice. In the other, it was kind of choppy. But in this one, you did a good job with it!

Hope to read more soon! Wink

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 10:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another great chapter, I like how you went back in the past to explain a few things. It was interesting seeing how the werewolves thought while hunting, and even just regular life.

Quote:
January 17, 2008

First of all, this happened on my birthday, Very Happy . That doesn't have anything to do with anything, though, so I shall now shut up. Secondly, since you have the date, you might want to emphasize it in the actual novel, or else add in that it was 'X many months before the trial.' Because you can't exactly give the warning in the actual novel.

Quote:
It consumed all of us. We ran, many resisting the urge to yip with excitement, for fear of frightening the game away.

I don't think that you need the underlined comma, although you may want to turn the first comma into a semicolon and then keep the second comma. But, I don't think you need it.

Quote:
We’d had begun the hunt with our howls, warning all others away.

First, separated out the contraction. Then, I'm not sure about this whole one. I think you might want to add in 'predators' after the underlined part, so it's not like they are warning their prey away.

Quote:
The wind blew in my face and I revered in the feel of freedom.

I think that 'reveled' would fit better than the underlined word.

Quote:
The elk was in sight now, its run feeble because of its illness.

I don't know, I don't think the underlined part quite works, though that could just be the difference in styles. I would write it as: 'running feebly because.' I still don't know...

Quote:
I was tired of him asking,. I was tired of the very topic.

Sometimes your repetition works, but I think that this time the two can be combined.

Quote:
Jeff couldn’t be more wrong. I hated Mark Williams.

Very curious, I wonder what changed... I also wonder why she hates him, and why she refuses to mate...

All in all, great chapter! Hardly anything to comment on, except for the great parts of your writing. I liked your descriptions, from the hunt to the canopy of trees, great descriptions.

Off to read the next chapter! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 8:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why are we jumping from the present to the past? Perhaps you should half a brief paragraph before hand outlining why this is necessary. Maybe Gen is having a dream and is drawn back to a time where she was happy - the day of the hunt, just before everything went wrong.

Right now its unclear and confusing.

Also, Mark Williams? Why would a wolf, born and raised in the woods have a last name? Its odd - just as the fact that they all have normal, everyday names. If they don't live amounts people, then you need to dehumanize them more. Make them raw and edgy. Right now, it feels like a bunch of people who just happened to be werewolves have met up for a weekened of hunting in the woods. (I don't think that;s your intention.)

Also, still can't really picture Gen or see where the story is going. We need more to chew on then the fact that she's been scentenced to death and has now run away. Play with her thoughts a bit more to help you paint a bigger picture.
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:07 am    Post subject: Re: By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 2 Reply with quote

KJ wrote:
Just in case some of you miss the date, I'm giving you the heads up that this is going back into the past, BEFORE Gen was all set to die, but escaped, etc. etc. Also, I'm sorry if I slip and write something in present tense. It's the tense I'm used to writing in, and I'm attempting to change that. Happy reading, and I hope I don't disappoint.

Chapter Two

January 17, 2008
Mackenzie Mountains

The hunt consumed me. It consumed all of us. We ran, many resisting the urge to yip with excitement, for fear of frightening the game away. WHy do you have to worry about the frightening the elk away if they've already noticed you and are running. The Pack was close to its query; I could smell the sweat of the elk as he ran. I could picture his wide brown eyes full of terror. I think this wording is kind of awkward, maybe try a rephrase.
We’d begun the hunt with our howls, warning all others away. Then my cousins and I roamed through our territory, until we found the herd of grazing elk. We quickly picked out the elk standing apart from its herd, clearly sick and dying. Okay, this is the smallest little thing, but elk are herd animals. Sick, young, or old ones stay in the middle, where it's safest, not apart where they can be easily picked out. We had moved in on it from the opposite direction that the wind was blowing, upwind to prevent it from knowing our approach. But at the very last moment, Alyssa sneezed, and the herd bolted. We broke into a run, and the chase began.
My sharp ears could now hear the sound of the elk’s pounding feet against the hard, frozen ground. Hunger overwhelmed me at the image of tearing into that hide.
My cousins and I moved rhythmically, each knowing where the other was and where they needed to be. The wind blew in my face and I revered in the feel of freedom.
The elk was in sight now, its run feeble because of its illness. I picked up speed, baring my teeth in a wolf smile. We split up, two wolves on the left and right, and ran alongside the elk. Its eyes rolled and attempted to keep each of us in its vision. Again, totally minor nitpick. It's up to the way you want your pack to be, but pack predators like the wolf generally tend to split into two groups in the beginning, with the first group driving their chosen elk into an ambush from the second group.
Jeffery attacked first, darting at the elk’s side. Then Keith went next, jumping at the rump. Alyssa and I followed, nipping and biting the animal wherever we could to weaken it. We all stayed away from the elk’s swinging horns.
The sick animal was staggering. Encouraged, we renewed our efforts with more fervor. When Jeff was certain that the elk wouldn’t pierce him with its rack, he lunged at the throat. The bronze wolf tore into it violently, shaking his head from side to side, and hanging on despite the elk’s frantic bellowing and tossing. Finally, with a great moan, the animal slumped to the ground in defeat.
Jeff hung on for a few more moments, to be sure that the animal was truly dead, and then yelped triumphantly. Unable to resist the call of blood, we instantly began to gorge. They're pack animals. Unless that's the whole herd right there, they should send up a howl, so the rest of the members know that the elk has been caught and will come to share.

* * * * *

I laid with my back on a bed of leaves, and stared up at the canopy of trees above. The sun managed to shine through in some areas, and little spots of light dotted our forest bed. Birds called to each other, and the air smelled sweet and fresh.
I could feel Jeff staring at me. We'd been laying there for hours, without speaking, and I resented the interruption.
“What?” I asked impatiently, turning my head to meet his clear gaze.
He shrugged. “Just thinking.”
I turned my back to him, my eyes fluttering shut. “About what?”
His fingers trailed over my bare skin, making patterns. For a moment he didn't answer, as if he was debating on saying anything. Then, “About why you keep saying no.”
A frown instantly overpowered the corners of my mouth, and I sighed. “We’ve been through this, Jeff. I’m not ready.” I was tired of him asking. I was tired of the very topic.
Jeff took his hand away, and I missed his tender touch. “Gen," he said in a tight voice, “we both know that that’s not it. You’re holding back for some reason that you think you can hide from me. I’m not stupid.”
I glared at the bush in front of me. “And what do you think I’m hiding from you?”
He paused. “I have no idea. Another guy?”
I still didn’t turn to face him, but I laughed harshly. “You’ve found me out.”
Now his hand gripped my shoulder, turning me towards him. I resisted for an instant, but the pressure of his hand pained me. “Stop,” I snapped, when I was forced to roll back over. I crossed my arms over my bare chest. You're a girl and your chest is bare. Shouldn't she be wearing something, even if it's very minimal?
Jeff’s eyes were hard and solemn, and he touched my pendant. “Don’t treat me like a pup, Gen. Stop toying with me.”
“Is that what you think I’m doing?”
“I’m not an idiot,” he continued as if I hadn’t spoken, “and I’ve seen the way you look at Mark Williams.”
I sputtered. “You are too an idiot if you think I even like that—”
“I won’t wait much longer, Genna. If you’re ready to commit the act of mating, then you’re certainly ready to have a mate. I want a family. I want you. But if you keep pulling away, I’ll find someone else.”
The idea of losing Jeff frightened me. Him and I had been together for three winters. And if I was honest, I had to admit that I had been holding back, and kept him waiting. I could have mated two years ago. And I did love Jeff…
But how could he think that I was attracted to Mark? He was a… a… there was no word to describe that… that…
Jeff couldn’t be more wrong. I hated Mark Williams.


Okay, the line-by-line critique is done. Very good job, I didn't find any typos.

I didn't really find anything major to complain about. A lot of the comments I put were very minor, but I'm an animal nut, so I was just pointing out the non realistic things. It doesn't really degrade the story if you don't change those.

Overall, very good job. I love the way you're bringing along the plot. It's very interesting. I can't wait to see where the story goes.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Again I am too late, but I just had to give you my praise. We now understand why Genna pitys Jeff for having to stand guard..Bravo on that. Oohh and I love the twist at the end. She hates Mark but oh baby how his kisses make her moan. LOL, your descriptions are so good. I love that line about the elk's eyes rolling to keep the wolves in his sight..omg I can see the whole scene in my head!! Keep it up!
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 4:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Edited*

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, you brought the date/place/happenings back! Me like! Wink Also, I love the ending of this chapter. I’m not sure why, but it has such emotion pouring from it at the end, so many unanswered questions that it forces the reader to continue reading.

Which is the point Very Happy

Now, on to the review…

I only noticed one thing:

Quote:
Alyssa and I followed, nipping and biting the animal wherever we could to weaken it. We all stayed away from the elk’s swinging horns.


You should combine these two sentences because the last one is so…blunt. I’m not sure that is the right word, but try something like this: …wherever we could to weaken it while we all stayed away from the elk’s swinging horns. You don’t have to, of course, but I just found it to flow smoother this way.

Other than that, it was good! Very Happy This is my favorite chapter so far.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 12:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hey love the tension here and curious how she went from denial to the present situation with mark.
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