spiritblackwolf2705
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 27 Oct 2007
Posts: 130
Reviews: 107
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:28 am Post subject: Ice Cream Social |
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(This little short story is based on a fight that happened at my school's ice cream social and year book signing on Friday. I was not there to witness the events that took place but I have talked to one of the kids involved in the fight. I haven't written anything in a while so I'm ready for the harshest critique.)
The tires of my mother's rusty car squeaked as we pulled into the school parking lot. It sucked having a mother in the PTA. I was always dragged along to every stupid school social event. I guess sometimes it wasn't so bad, like today I was going to get free ice cream just for showing up. I unbuckled my seat belt and climbed out of her car with a sigh.
"Carson," my mother called to me.
"What?" I asked, turning around to face her.
"Grab my purse out of the trunk."
I rolled my eyes but did as I was bid to do. I lifted the trunk open and grabbed her Gucci purse. She can waste a shit load of money on this purse but she won't by me a new skateboard. Hardly fair. I tossed her the purse and headed off to talk to a few of my friends from class. I saw one of my buddies Josh asking a girl to sign his yearbook. I headed in his direction, knowing he would have something funny up his sleeve.
I reached him just in time to hear him tell the girl, "I love you, sign my yearbook." This of course made the girl fan herself and quickly sign his yearbook. Josh always had that affect on people. I stifled a laugh and leaned on Josh's shoulder.
"Man, you must love all the girls in this school. She's like the 10th girl you've told that," I said to him, glancing at the girl who was now frowning.
"Shut up, Carson!" Josh said but he couldn't hide his grin. He knew what Carson said was true but hell it was all fun and games to him. So what if he got a few girls' hopes up.
I walked away from the two of them, accidentally running into a kid named James. Ah, shit. James and I had been having problems all year.
James spread his arms wide, "You wanna go, Carson?"
Before I could even respond James' fist made contact with my face. I feel to my knees. A bunch of kids had crowded around us, encouraging us to fight. I stood up quickly and threw a punch at James' gut. He stumbled but recovered quickly. He attempted to punch me in the face again but I moved to the side just in time. I mustered up all my energy and threw a forceful punch at his eye.
Before James could throw another punch at me, our principal was rushing over.
"James! You're suspended!" Our principal roared. "Carson, you didn't start the fight. You can go."
James threw a dirty look in my direction before the principal took him away. Maybe having a mom in the PTA pays off after all.
(Just to clarify things. James actually did get suspended. Carson beat James' ass even though it might not have seemed like it in the story. Carson had a little black eye but no other injuries. I haven't seen James so I don't know if he has any bruises. Josh did actually going around telling girls that.) |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1615
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
318 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 11:13 am Post subject: |
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Well it looks like you need some critiques, so here I am. First of all, I'd consider asking a mod to move this to Other Fiction, it would be fine there. Second, very funny story, although I thought it would actually involve ice-cream. Now that would've been hilarious!
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| knowing he would have something funny up his sleeve. |
Elaborate a bit. Something funny to say? Something funny to do? It's a bit confusing when you just leave it there.
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| This of course made the girl fan herself and quickly sign his yearbook. |
This sentence doesn't make sense. Do you mean, This, of course, made the fan girl quickly sign his yearbook? It would be a correct sentence if it was, but not a very good one. I'll explain more later on.
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| So what if he got a few girls' hopes up. |
Question mark, not a full stop.
fell
Your writing, I think, needs some work. You write in a very passive and boring voice. Put some emotion in it, elaborate and explain. At first I thought I would spend the whole time laughing, but I didn't. I just sat there and at the end thought, that was kind of funny. You need to make it longer and more interesting. Describe, add more to your characters. Make it funnier, make it longer, make it better. What you have here is a half-assed story that's mildly funny. What this could turn into, if you try and embellish the facts a little (c'mon, people throwing ice-cream at each other! What's funnier than that?), is a brilliant and hilarious story.
Good luck! |
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*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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