Topic ID: 31784
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icequeen_786
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 28 Dec 2007
Posts: 30
Reviews: 11
Country: Canada
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 5:48 am Post subject: Child of A War-Torn Country |
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The pebble bounces off his helmet
And the soldier turns to me
His eyes ablaze with fury
He barks at me to stop
But I will not.
In a country that is no longer my own,
Throwing stones at those who’ve claimed it
Is the smallest form of rebellion.
The only possible rebellion.
So I throw another stone.
He starts forward with his gun
Threatening to shoot
I cannot help but laugh
And this rock bounces off his forehead.
I turn and run
As he races after me.
My blistered feet hit the dirt road
With crumbling houses on every side
And sobbing women sitting at broken-down doorsteps
Clutching tiny corpses to their chests.
I jump over a rundown fence
And through some poor farmer’s cornfield.
A bullet whistles past my head
And there’s a ringing in my ears
As suddenly I picture my mother
Crying over my dead body.
But I know I can outrun them.
I do so every day.
Because this is my life
As the child of a war-torn country. |
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mizz-iceberg
Speaker of the Forum
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Posts: 541
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Country: Canada
736 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 6:18 am Post subject: Re: Child of A War-Torn Country |
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Aha! So I'm the first to review this poem.
The imagery was spectacular and created an overall effective mood. The words flowed well, so overall I think it was a great poem.
Personally I liked this poem better than Foreigner. I didn't note any flaws and I rarely do in your writing so kudos for that.
Keep writing! |
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pegasi_quill
Senior Writer
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Joined: 02 May 2008
Posts: 147
Reviews: 40
Country: Poland
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 12:09 pm Post subject: Re: Child of A War-Torn Country |
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| icequeen_786 wrote: |
The pebble bounces off his helmet
And the soldier turns to me
His eyes ablaze with fury
He barks at me to stop
But I will not. This line doesn't low as well as the previous four
In a country that is no longer my own,
Throwing stones at those who’ve claimed it Line break to reconsider
Is the smallest form of rebellion.
The only possible rebellion. Ineffective repetition
So I throw another stone.
He starts forward with his gun
Threatening to shoot
I cannot help but laugh
And this rock bounces off his forehead. Replace "and" with "as"
I turn and run
As he races after me. Replace "as" with "and"
My blistered feet hit the dirt road
With crumbling houses on every side
And sobbing women sitting at broken-down doorsteps
Clutching tiny corpses to their chests.
I jump over a rundown fence
And through some poor farmer’s cornfield.
A bullet whistles past my head
And there’s a ringing in my ears
As suddenly I picture my mother
Crying over my dead body.
But I know I can outrun them.
I do so every day.
Because this is my life
As the child of a war-torn country. Effective ending - overall, this is a very good stanza |
Good topic, great imagery as mentioned above - generally good.
1) Watch your line breask - for example, ending a line with "it" is not the best idea. The last word on the line is what stays in teh reader's mind for longest, and making "it" that word isn't the best idea. That's too vague a choice
2) This is me being nitpicky - but no need to capitalise every line. Personally, I don't like it, which is the only reason I'm pointing it out 
3) watch your rhythm, at times you seem to lose it.
Like I said before - generally very good  Keep it up! |
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Tharlam Gyatso
Junior Writer
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Age: 23
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Posts: 23
Reviews: 8
Country: WY | USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 5:33 pm Post subject: |
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This is a very harsh poem and a lot of the time, to me, it sounds like you are shouting. I feel this acts a bit like a double edged sort where, detracting from the flow of the piece, it reminds the reader of the passion required to have wrote it in the first place. The only major off putting thing for me (besides a philosophy conflicting with my own, non violence) is the use of upper case at the beginning of each line.
All in all a 3 out of 5 stars from me. I would enjoy reading more of your work.
Sincerely,
TG. |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
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Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 473
Reviews: 81
Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
369 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 1:31 pm Post subject: |
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I really like the passion and emotion (thats kind of rhetorical) in this piece. It reminded me of a book that I read a while ago called A Stone In My Hand. At least I think that's what it's called. Perhaps you've read it. It goes along the same lines as your poem--where children are throwing rocks at soldiers.
This is very well written, just try to stay with your flow--so you don't lose track of it.
I especially liked how you chose a theme that uncovered the reality of what's going on in the world--maybe even to someone that had never known the truth of what is really going on.
Good job! Inspirational piece! Keep writing!  |
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Tusker93
Writer
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Joined: 31 Aug 2008
Posts: 68
Reviews: 16
Country: Sheffield, UK
200 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 4:17 pm Post subject: |
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That was really something!  . I usually dislike poetry that doesn't rhyme but this had me interested all the way true. It's really emotional and I could easily picture the story as it progressed, it was so effective and nicely written I really don't have much to criticise.
Good Job! Keep writing . |
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