“H-Hey! Wait a min-”
“DIE, FOUL BEAST!”
“Can’t we talk about thi-”
“HOLD STILL, VILE CREATURE!”
“OW! YOU ARE A VERY RUDE GUEST!”
I sighed. It felt like I was watching Wimbledon; I kept on having to turn my head to keep an eye on them as they ran around the pillared entrance hall. I was still sitting in the large cage at the side of the room, as promised. It sounded odd when I thought about it, but it was really quite sweet that Remington locked me away so that I wouldn’t get hurt.
“IF I HAD NOT KNOWN BETTER, I WOULD HAVE CALLED THEE A WENCH UPON SIGHT!”
“Are you calling me girly?! OH, THAT IS IT!”
The story was quite simple really: Three days ago, I was kidnapped by a villain known as Remington Bonnet III. Now my knight in shining armor had arrived, proclaimed his name to be Sir Keane, and they were battling to the death over me. Almost.
“HA HA! TAKE THAT, VILLAIN!”
There was a gasp. Then, “I made those brownies for you! THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A PEACE OFFERING! AND THEY WERE DOUBLE FUDGE!”
Maybe this battle would have been more conventional if the villain actually played the part, yeah? Well, Remington wasn’t really like that. Of course, I’d had my suspicions when he couldn’t stop babbling out apologies as he tied me up and spirited me away. I told him to shut up after the first half hour.
“HAVE AT THEE!”
“WHO THE HELL TALKS LIKE THAT ANYMORE?!”
He tried to put up a tough-guy face, he really did, but he could never seem to keep it from melting away. He looked enough like a villain with it; Remmy had a tall, dark figure, which (while still lean) was well muscled. His pale complexion and red eyes were like those of a vampire. His raven black hair fell to the middle of his back, accented by long, white bangs that framed his face, and he clearly took very good care of it if the volume and healthy luster were any indication.
Yes, he looked enough like a villain with his tough-guy face, but he looked so adorable without it, especially when he was fretting over something; it gave him that shy, boyish charm.
“THINE EFFORTS ARE FUTILE, KNAVE!”
“HEY! THIS IS JUST A PAPERCUT! YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, SO STOP CELEBRATING!” ...Here it came. I could see Remmy’s catlike pupils dilate in panic. “…GAH! A PAPERCUT! IT COULD GET INFECTED!”
Remington had explained everything to me over a cup of tea and a plate of graham crackers when he first brought me to his palace. Apparently, he’d never been very good at the whole ‘villain’ business. A couple months earlier, his uncle had caught him brightening his room with a bouquet of fresh flowers, and after that unmentionable pastel curtains affair, the man just blew his top.
Having finally grown tired of such a black sheep (or rather, white sheep) in the family, his uncle told him that it was time to get a hold of himself, shape up, and prove himself as a worthy villain. Giving his own castle to Remmy in the hopes that it would conjure up some dark inspiration, he had left Remington with instructions not to contact him until he had done something dastardly and utterly wicked.
“COME BACK HERE AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!”
“I NEED AN ANTISEPTIC!”
After much deliberation (and two weeks of serious redecoration now that his uncle was gone), Remington had gone over his options and decided that his best bet would be to capture a damsel. Unfortunately, princesses were quite hard to come by these days. He’d tried abducting a preppy girl from a local high school after he heard her friends say that she “like, totally rules the student body.”
It hadn’t really worked out. He told me that she'd been so snooty, throwing tantrums like a toddler whenever she wasn’t making demands like an empress – and in his own castle no less! He’d gagged her for the rest of that night and taken her back immediately the next morning. Leaving a box of cupcakes for her family as an apology, of course.
CRASH!
I jumped, almost falling out of my chair, and quickly looked up to see what had happened. Everything was suddenly quiet…both competitors were standing still.
“…..THAT VASE WAS EXPENSIVE, YOU JERK!”
Remmy told me that he had first spotted me a week ago. He was in the audience for my premier performance as Odette in Swan Lake. It was a fundraiser for the academy that I attended, and quite a soiree for the whole town. I remember how he stuttered on about what a wonderful dancer I was, and how beautiful I looked on stage. He was blushing like a cherry when he said it, but I was pretty sure that I was too.
“N-Now, wait a moment-”
“MY UNCLE IS GOING TO KILL ME! HE DIDN’T FILE THE INSURANCE FOR THAT THING YET!”
Remington had asked me if I would stay at the castle for a few days, just until a knight heard about my kidnapping and came to rescue me, and pinky-promised that I would be released after that. Until then, I would be given the finest guest suite in the palace, full attendance by the staff, freedom to walk about the grounds, and access to the spa in the basement.
I chuckled, thinking back to the conversation.
“I don’t know…” I mumbled unsurely, looking down at the plush carpet.
“Oh, please?” Remmy looked at me sadly, the graham cracker in his hand virtually forgotten, and sprinkles of cinnamon surrounding his mouth. “I really do want to gain my uncle’s approval, but…well, I don’t know what else I could do.”
It was such a cute pout.
“And,” he continued, suddenly fascinated with the buttons on his coat as his cheeks turned a soft pink, “I…don’t really get many visitors here, and I’m home schooled…dark, foreboding castle and all…and I was sort of hoping that…maybe…”
At this point, I was quite ready to snuggle him like a plush toy.
“Well,” I smiled a little, “I am on spring break…”
“AH HA! I SEE YOU ARE READY TO FIGHT, VILLAIN!”
“THOSE BROWNIES ARE GETTING SHOVED DOWN YOUR THROAT!”
“Oh, but why not, Princess? It would look so wonderful on you!” Remmy beamed at me as he held out the gown. He’d appointed me the nickname and refused to call me otherwise, declaring that it fit me only too well. “Please? Just for this one dinner.”
“I don’t really like dresses when I’m not performing…” I rubbed my elbow as I stared at the ground.
“But you looked so stunning in your dress as Odette, as though it was made for you!” Remmy said firmly and looked at me with the cutest, most innocently sincere expression, absolutely determined to make me see his point. I had to smile.
“Well, it was made for me…”
“TAKE IT LIKE A MAN, EVILDOER!”
“WAAAAAH! STOP IT – THAT HURTS!”
I shook my head and stood up with another sigh, dusting off the skirt of my dress. Remmy had begged me to wear another one today, supposedly to fit the part of a damsel in distress when the knight came. I crossed the cage and, with the aid of the silver key in my pocket, easily swung the door outwards, the freshly oiled hinges turning without a single squeak.
Keane wasn’t that bad either, really; he was like a day of sunshine to Remington’s vampiric night. He was even taller than Remington, and his figure was more streamlined than muscled. Maybe he practiced kendo or fencing rather than the more traditional, medieval swordplay? His helmet had fallen off some time ago, and I could see that he was well tanned, with lovely, hazelnut brown eyes and the golden hair of a god. This was not an exaggeration. His tresses swept in the most gentle of waves just past his shoulders. Why did men always have phenomenal hair?
I also knew for a fact that he wasn’t quite as cool as he tried to come off. Perhaps it was the way that he tripped over the banister trying to come into the room. Of course, he managed to save himself from that particular embarrassment by making it look as though he had simply lunged over the staircase at Remington…
BOOM!
Remmy and I both blinked in surprise as we looked up at the entrance doors past the double staircase. The crash was followed by a muffled voice yelling what sounded distinctly like profanities. My eyebrows furrowed together, “What…just happened?” I asked.
Remmy rubbed the back of his neck, looking embarrassed. He cupped his hands around his mouth and called out clearly, “Um, excuse me! The doors open outward!”
After a moment, a loud click was heard before one of the doors slowly swung out with a decidedly dark and foreboding squeak. Standing in the opening was a man clad in full armor. While his expression could not be determined due to his helmet, his stance gave the firm impression that he was entirely pissed off.
Unfortunately, Remmy didn’t come to the same realization. He lifted a finger matter-of-factly as he looked up at the knight, “Did you know that inward-swinging doors are fire hazards? It’s against safety standards to have the doors in your home swing in a direction that would hinder your ability to quickly escape during an emergency. Anyway, you hurt your leg, right? Or did you try to ram the door with your shoulder? Would you like an ice pa-”
“SILENCE, YOU MALEVOLENT BEAST!” the knight suddenly shouted, pointing accusingly at Remington. “MY NAME IS SIR KEANE! I AM HERE TO RESCUE THE FAIR MAIDEN THAT LAYS TRAPPED IN THIS CURSED CASTLE AND YOU SHALL NOT STOP ME!”
Said malevolent beast paused in surprise. Once he processed the knight’s outdated words, he quickly waved his arms in front of himself and grinned nervously, “Ah, about that. You see, it’s really all a misunders-”
The knight ran towards the staircase, “PREPARE FOR BATTLE, SCOUNDR – GYAAAH!” and promptly tripped over the carpet, which sent him flying straight over the banister. The helmet flew off of his head, revealing that Sir Keane the Dramatic was really just about the same age as Remmy and me.
He managed to catch his balance again and pulled his sword from its sheath in midair, the sheen of the steel catching the sunlight from the window – an admittedly awesome move. Remington himself made a similar cry as the sharp, pointy steel came hurtling straight towards him. He leaped out of the way just as Keane landed on the ground, his sword clanging against the tile.
Of course I was worried, but Remington had made me pinky-promise to stay in the cage until the battle was over. Anyway, if I ran out now or called to him, he would only get distracted.
He backed away as Keane advanced, “H-Hey! Wait a min-”
“DIE, FOUL BEAST!”
So currently, Keane was sitting on Remington’s back and pulling at his raven hair, looking quite frustrated. Remington was flailing face down on the ground and complaining with each tug. I saw a tear stuck at the corner of his eye, and was suddenly caught between cooing and hugging him or smacking Keane upside the head.
I chose the latter.
“Ow! My lady…” Keane looked up at me as he rubbed his sore head.
“Don’t ‘my lady’ me!” I put my hands on my hips and frowned at him. “Now get off Remington!”
We stared at each other for a moment while muffled sniffles came from the ground. Soon, though, my scowl overpowered Keane’s and he grumbled to himself as he stood up and adjusted his armor, allowing Remmy to sit up and rub his red nose. He’d smacked it on the tile when Keane suddenly let go of his hair.
It was quiet for a few moments, before Remington mumbled something behind his hand that I couldn’t understand.
“What was that?” I asked.
“I said…maybe he should stay for dinner to…establish good will and all that. After all the trouble he’s caused, that is,” Remmy stated more clearly, crossing his arms with a disdainful sniff as he stood up and looked off to the side stubbornly.
Keane glanced at his villain before putting a hand on his waist and lowering his head coolly, tilting it away in the same stubborn manner, “Hn. Maybe…if you have any roast beef.”
Remington growled at him, his catlike pupils constricting, “I can get a dead cow if you need one so badly, bloody meat eater! You already weigh as much as one!”
“Mew.”
We all looked towards the window sill blankly. There was another quiet pause, and then…
“A kitten!”
“Stay away from that innocent creature, scoundrel!”
I sighed through my nostrils and shook my head, smiling at the two men as they ran to the window. They were hopeless.
Oh yes, I could tell that this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
