Topic ID: 31727
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
myfreindsavamp
run away!
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 2253
Reviews: 109
Country: In a vampire's world
165 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 3:31 pm Post subject: Dead?No. |
 |
|
My soul rises,
My body on the ground.
It rises above those clouds.
I see the kingdom,
The one to house me until the years of peace.
My soul stops,
Then rips me in another direction.
Backwards
I go.
I can’t turn around,
The kingdom gets smaller and smaller.
Then I feel his holly glow,
I see the lighted Jesus.
“Am I dead?” I ask,
Not sure if I ever made a noise.
“Dead? Surely not,” I get in return,
My soul rips downwards.
“See you later,” I hear as I go,
The blue sky rushing past me.
I feel my limbs now,
As I’m set back into my body.
I hear the siren,
An ambulance arrives.
They ask me questions,
Treating my wounds on the way to the hospital.
I give a smile,
One gasps.
“Dead? No,” I rasp out,
Holding that smile. |
_________________
We all have some kind of disorder. We're just not diegnossed. ~Me. ^-^ 
And yes. I can't spell. x.x 
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. ~me
My Nano~  http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/441175
Last edited by myfreindsavamp on Tue Jun 17, 2008 4:28 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
SishBee
Ace of Hearts
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 25 May 2007
Posts: 298
Reviews: 49
Country: The last place you look
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 4:06 pm Post subject: Re: Dead?No. |
|
|
Ok, there were a couple of typo's...
| Quote: |
Then I feel his holly glow, |
| Quote: |
| Treating my wounds on the way to the hospital. |
Right, I understand the message you are trying to comunicate, but it is really disjointed and hard to read. If you read it out loud, it sounds forced and a little confused.
This is a slightly random description, it would sound better without the new line.
This poem has the potential to be amazing, but I think you need to read it out loud to yourself and find the parts which jar.
Otherwise, I thought it was quite good and I liked the message of the poem.
~SishBee~
x |
_________________
"We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars."
-Oscar Wilde |
|
| Back to top |
|
myfreindsavamp
run away!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 2253
Reviews: 109
Country: In a vampire's world
165 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 4:30 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Hey Sorry to say this but if anyone will show me the right way to write poetry like the format and whatever. Please. I need help with this. |
_________________
We all have some kind of disorder. We're just not diegnossed. ~Me. ^-^
And yes. I can't spell. x.x
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. ~me
My Nano~ http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/441175 |
|
| Back to top |
|
bubblewrapped
The Big Cheese
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 25 Nov 2004
Posts: 1757
Reviews: 574
Country: My own little universe
380 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 1:34 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey Amber,
You've got the right idea, here, but there are several ways you could improve. Firstly, your description of the event is very prosaic and straightforward -- it proceeds in a linear fashion and is more like something you might see on a religious bookmark or something than (forgive me) a personal work of art. Also, the lack of coherent structure and the jumping from scene to scene makes things confusing for the reader.
My suggestion would be to get a piece of paper and write down your central theme in the middle - in this case, near-death experience. Then start brainstorming about what this means to you personally. If you've never had an NDE but want to write about one, you need to be extra careful to anchor the description in the concrete. So, think about all the senses: what do you see? hear? feel? taste? smell? Remember to include emotional feelings as well as physical. Explore descriptions of NDEs. What do you know about them? What images and stories best show what you're trying to convey? How can you put those into words? The first things that come to mind are likely to be cliches, but that's OK. Write these down and build on them.
So much for content. As for the actual structure, punctuation is more important than you might think, especially in free verse. It gives the reader sign-posts to signal how the poem flows, so try to be consistent and always place full stops etc. where you feel they're needed. Also, try reading out loud several times to sort out the rhythm and figure out your line breaks. Although they often seem arbitrary, knowing where to break a sentence in two and where to keep it whole can be vital to the poem's shape. This will probably come with practice though, so don't worry if you're not sure how it works!
A couple of final tips: always reread your work and try to see it from the perspective of someone who has no idea why you wrote it or what you're talking about. Does it make sense? Poetry does not follow the same rules as prose in this way, but it still needs to hang together and give some sort of coherent image to the reader. Also, repetition needs to be used sparingly as it can drag down a poem and lessen the impact of the repeated phrase when used too often.
At the end of the day, though, poetry is not an exact science. There are certain forms, it's true, but there is no "right" way to write a poem. The best thing you can do is read the work of other great poets and practice, practice, practice XD
Hope that helped! PM me if you'd like to discuss anything.
I'll look forward to seeing some more of your work around 
Cheers,
~bubbles |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
piepiemann22
For Honor
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Dec 2006
Posts: 1368
Reviews: 178
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I really liked the poem. The idea and the way you showed it was great. The only thing I see wrong is in your structure.
Your line breaks seem off and that also throws off the rhythm. Try making stanzas and then reviewing the way you worded it from there.
I also see a problem with imagery and flow of the "Plot". It's very plain and straight forward. The imagery is easily fixed and if yo put a bit more description in the "Plot" sure curve a bit for the better.
Over all a very nice poem. Good Job. 
~Mr. Pie |
_________________
With a dream we find a purpose. With a purpose we are contemt. Being contempt lets us see. With sight we understand. With understanding we know. With knowledge we live.
~By me Anthony Delia |
|
| Back to top |
|
gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 438
Reviews: 81
Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
320 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 8:49 pm Post subject: |
|
|
just listen to everyone else. they all have the right ideas. this has potential to be a great poem with some minor adjustments.
good job.
-GC10 |
_________________
"The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
|
| Back to top |
|
powerofwords2008
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
Posts: 43
Reviews: 26
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 4:22 am Post subject: Dead? No |
|
|
| i like the way you brought in the title toward the end and your overall description, but something that you could do is be a bit more detailed in places. i know you're trying to get over the whole feeling of death and absence from the body, but i think you're trying a little bit too hard to reflect that in the piece. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
writeholic
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 29 Oct 2007
Posts: 34
Reviews: 19
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 5:54 am Post subject: |
|
|
LEAVE YOUR POEM HOW IT IS!!! Sorry, everyone that posted above me, but sometimes poetry is absolutely incredible in its rough form, like this. Just fix holly (thats like stuff at Christmas) you need holy. I think that you already have an incredible ability to capture your tone (if this is your perspective) but honestly this is really really really good, it captures the heart and soul of teenage kids and how they mostly feel about religion, that Christ is their friend, and that he's wanting to be their friend. such as the see ya later line.
No personal hard feelings towards bubblewrap, but if the linear structure is what you want, then leave it. I love how it just shows just this one side, this one view. That is what it is supposed to be, because that's exactly how you created it. Also, sometimes you want your rhythm to break, that's why I love free verse so much is because I can do that, and break my rhythm as much as I want to throw readers into a different mind set then what they were already thinking. But make sure you do read through your poem to make sure that you want that to happen, poems are all about effecting your feelings. Make sure that you can close off your own feelings when you edit and re read so that you can get the right effect. Great job though, I love the roughness, you have a unique voice and don't let anyone change you because you think you don't know what your doing. After all, who really knows what their doing? |
_________________
"You start thinking anything is possible if you have enough nerve"- J.K Rowling |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
