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This thread was created on June 17, 2008
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don't open, deleted*
Topic ID: 31718
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Sofiel
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 13 Jun 2008
Posts: 19
Reviews: 12
Country: the one where we dream of driving a zamboni across Saskatchewan
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 1:01 pm Post subject: don't open, deleted* |
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Toby: "Of COURSE I wrote a concession. What - you want to tempt the wrath of the whatever from high a top the thing?"
Sam: "...No"
Toby: "Then go outside, turn around three times and spit. What the hell is the matter with you?!"
Last edited by Sofiel on Fri Jun 27, 2008 10:48 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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timjim77
Novelist
Age: 18
Joined: 24 Sep 2005
Posts: 319
Reviews: 212
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 9:48 pm Post subject: |
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Ok:
"War,
Fare."
No,
Way.
The separation of those words doesn't make sense. Or any of the others.
- Yes, blood and war go hand in hand. As do cliches and poems which get very few reviews. Come up with something more insightful there.
- The promise of tomorrow becoming the enemy is the best sentiment of the whole poem. Restructure the poem around this.
- I'm not sure why the rain is red. Oh, it is blood. Blood, Shed. The problem isn't that this is unclear, it's that it is clearly nonsensical.
I like your form here, and there is an echo of a style which I also enjoy. If you take off those words at the ends of your stanzas, I think you will already find improvement. Have a clear idea of what you want the reader to experience, and write with that experience in mind. |
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carelessaussie13
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Oct 2006
Posts: 311
Reviews: 167
Country: Wouldn't you like to know
293 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:42 pm Post subject: |
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What he said.
Also, in the L2 S2 it seemed like that should have been "the threat of tomorrow", don't you? A promise is a mite too cheery. |
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Everybody looks busy. Is something going on I don't know about? |
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Griffinkeeper
Storybook Godfather
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 3811
Reviews: 665
Country: USA
319 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:55 pm Post subject: |
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| This poem tries to accomplish... something. I'm not sure what, which means you really lost track of it. |
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| This thread was created on June 17, 2008 |
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