Topic ID: 31715
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Angel of Death
Nano '08 Winner
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 872
Reviews: 409
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
1533 Points
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 Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 11:00 pm Post subject: |
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Ello Sam
I was looking for something interesting to read and I have found it. Margot seems like the dark character that everyone loves to love vice versa. She seems like she's troubled but yet she seems totally normal. I loved this writing it was something odd but yet it was spontaneous. Your descriptions were very unique. My favorite part was the beginning:
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Margot sat sprawled in a train station crowd, her back to a pillar and her feet extended, waiting for someone’s shiny shoes to catch them and fall with nothing but bare palms braced for impact. She put the Venus in Venus fly trap. Her crooked teeth hid behind painted lips, and the rip in her skin was covered in brown ringlets and the gaudy pearl noose that dangled from her neck.
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I can almost picture Margot as if I am sitting in that same train station looking right at her. Beautiful. All in all, I thought this was great. I'll keep reading.
Angel, 
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"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me |
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JFW1415
Team SPEW
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 1287
Reviews: 367
Country: USA
1002 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:36 pm Post subject: |
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The (Side Characters) contest has finally ended, and here is your critique!
Anyways, I think I'll explain how I am scoring this before I read further than the title. I have made a set of guidelines:
Following the rules: /50
The side character story: /20
The side character: /20
The main character(s): /20
Originality/Theme/Style: /10
Dialogue: /20
Personal opinion: /5
Technical details: /5
And you will get an overall score (then turned to a percentage) based on that. I will post the scores you got, and explain why for each category. That way you'll know what to improve on.
However, these scores will not be publicly visible. You may discuss them if you wish, but I am putting a password on them. I will PM you with the password, and you will all get different ones.
That way, only first through third place will be announced. For forth through seventh, you will know that you were one of them, but you won't know which one. I figured that would be a bit kinder.
Also, I prefer to put my overall and nit-picks in an attachment, so that is also there. I can only attach one file, so it has a password, too. I would just PM you the scores, but I know that many people will accidentally delete the PM and then not be able to get to the critique, and I don't want that. Saying that, PM me if you need me to tell you the password again. I will save all of them, and it's easier that way than saving the overalls and getting mixed up in that.
Warning Number One: I am planning on doing a very thorough critique, as this is a contest prize. Meaning a comment on every tiny little thing. (And the scores are all low.)
Warning Number Two: I am not going to read through all of your previous comments, so don't yell at me if I repeat things.
(To everyone else: Yes, I write this same thing for all my critiques in this contest. But I swear the attachments have a real, detailed critique. I just wanted to put something here so I'd get points for the hard work, but I hate converting stuff from Word to here, especially since I'll be so thorough as this is a contest prize. I hope that's okay?)
Best of luck!
~JFW1415
(Make sure to PM me for anything at all, and check out The Side Characters Contest Page for more information on the winners.)
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A Lively Conversation Between Two Corpses.doc |
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Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde
Join the CIA.
In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
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RowanHowler
Writer
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 19 Jul 2008
Posts: 67
Reviews: 42
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 1:39 am Post subject: |
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Hello,
the rip in her skin was covered in brown ringlets and the gaudy pearl noose that dangled from her neck.- I didn't quite understand the first part of this, though the second is clearly a necklace.
"There was always that morbid moment as she was facing it head-on"- exactly! I think what I like best about this piece is that although much of it seems abstract and bizarre, parts of it are undeniably real.
I know just a smidgen of French so I could get the gist of this, but I'm not sure those who don't speak it would. Oh, I see that you have a key at the bottom, it might be more clear if you marked it as such but that's up to you. 
I really enjoyed this piece and I think the atmosphere is very well developed, miser able and a bit frantic like an insomniac's world might be. Your description was excellent. Write on!
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Misty
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 17 Jan 2005
Posts: 814
Reviews: 493
Country: United States
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 9:59 am Post subject: |
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you know how much, ah, j'adore (eeeergh) your stories. I think they're some of the best I've every read, but, that is nothing new. I've thought that since tenth grade when your writing still resembled green day lyrics (ohmystars)...I still contend that Desmond needs to get up off of Jane's floor, but since thats as far as you've written it, he's gonna remain stagnant, and worried about Bryant locking him out of the house (teehee), and his mother who doesn't love him.
I forgot how emo that piece was.
pooo...this is a crap review. I love this story, though. I can't tell you that enough. Especially I love the super intents (like a ten person tent) ending. Obscure yet clinically correct.
oh, you know what I mean.
you are such a good writer. sometimes these things are so natural.
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Yatta!
Writer
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Posts: 77
Reviews: 49
596 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 10:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Ooooo. I like it. I mean, well. At first i somehow thought she was disfigured...you know? Is she? Ah, I want to know more. If my questions aren't answered I'll tell you.
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