Topic ID: 31695
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Sportgurl46
Novelist
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Country: Hickville
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 11:34 pm Post subject: Stronger |
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This has nothing to do with what has happened to me in my past. (I tend to make people believe that what I write has happened to me) But if anything like this has happened to anyone that reads this, please know that my love is with you, and there are people out their like you, so you are not alone.
You slammed my face
deep into the ground.
You thought
that you were breaking me
down from my pyramid
of high hopes and dreams.
What you were really doing
was helping me learn
how to stick up for myself.
You made me who I am today.
Strong, intelligent....
Everything you're not. |
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-When the Boogeyman goes to bed every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Last edited by Sportgurl46 on Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:10 am; edited 5 times in total |
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Sofiel
Junior Writer
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Country: the one where we dream of driving a zamboni across Saskatchewan
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 1:06 am Post subject: Re: Stronger |
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I really like this poem, and the message it sends. The abusive man/woman being weak, and the victim becoming stronger.
What exactly is the pyramid you refer to? Perhaps you could elaborate on that point, help others to understand what you mean. Also, you didn't consistently use capitals. Maybe it was deliberate, but it was distracting.
| Sportgurl46 wrote: |
You hurt me,
You beat me,
cursed at me,
didn't love me.
You thought
that you were breaking me
breaking me down from my pyramid
but you were really helping.
helping me learn how
to stick up for myself. |
| Sportgurl46 wrote: |
You made me who I am today.
Strong, intelligent, and...
Everything your not. |
The use of an ellipsis here is not really necessary, and somewhat annoying.
Otherwise, I love it. As I said before, an interesting message. |
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Toby: "Of COURSE I wrote a concession. What - you want to tempt the wrath of the whatever from high a top the thing?"
Sam: "...No"
Toby: "Then go outside, turn around three times and spit. What the hell is the matter with you?!" |
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Nolan
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 4:00 am Post subject: |
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I love the message you're sending here, but the rhythm and timing of the poem detract from it.
That, and the punctuation.
Or lack thereof.
It's not that you're a bad poet; you're great, you just need to work more on the mundane details like rhythm, syllables, and punctuation.
I especially loved this part:
You thought
that you were breaking me.
Breaking me down from my pyramid.
But you were really helping.
Helping me learn how
to stick up for myself.
(I punctuated it so it's easier to read.
One more thing: Don't repeat yourself so much.
Keep writing!
 |
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-Nolan Logan |
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Kitterz
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 8:52 pm Post subject: |
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| This is very straightforward and pushes it into your face it seems, which makes it a very powerful piece. I like the flow of it. Very nicely done. |
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ChernobyllyInclined
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 9:16 pm Post subject: |
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The idea is good and I think you have handle on it, but it needs more imagery. Instead of just saying 'you cursed me' or 'you beat me', describe it. What does it look like? Is it cold or purple or are their ugly yellow stars that dance in meaningless circles?
Try to make the reader feel what is going on. If you can use powerful words and interesting imagery, it will be much, much better.
Keep writing and good work. |
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icequeen_786
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:24 am Post subject: |
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Very very nice! I agree with the capitals thing...try to use them a bit more consistently.
Also, you spelled "you're" as "your". Just thought you should know 
Very well done! |
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Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:47 pm Post subject: |
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This is a powerful and effective piece. The beginning is very good, as it flows well. It sounds like you're ticking the different things off on your fingers, and the simplicity of how you say it adds to the strength.
I liked the pyramid image. It was very fresh. I agree that you could expand on it though. Maybe go into how the pyramids were symbols of glory and use it to explain how you lost confidence in yourself and stopped thinking of yourself as a person worthy of notice.
I'd change;
"but you were really helping.
helping me learn how
to stick up for myself. "
to
"but really you were helping me learn
to stick up for myself".
as it's more direct. While I'm on it, can you think of any more powerful way in which to say "stick up for myself", as it's a tad cliche. Maybe think about how you grew more confident about yourself as a person and realized that you should not be belittled and taken advantage of.
The ending is effective, though I agree about the ellipsis, and remember that "you're" is "you are". You can remember this by thinking of how an apostrophe represents a missing letter, except in the case of possesion. If in doubt, try remembering what the missing letter should be in an apostrophied word. If you conclude that there is none, you don't need the apostrophe unless possesion is involved.
Hope this helps.
Jas |
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Livinginfantasy
YAY Violence!
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350 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:44 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Sportgurl! Remember me?
Nice job! This was a very nice poem. Like in "Bruises", I hear your voice and feel for you. I see you always manage to do that in the two poems I've read from you, so to that, bravo!
Also, I loved that intro. It flowed well and I like the way you structured it.
But, there also is the common flaw I see in your writing... you have no imagery. You don't elaborate. I wanna see what you see, feel what you feel, taste what you taste, sense what you sense. I don't get that from you. To get people to really connect and feel moved, you need to make it so they can experience it as if they were there. As if you and the reader are the same person. Then your writing will be fabulous (your getting close already!).
| Quote: |
You thought
that you were breaking me
breaking me down from my pyramid
but you were really helping.
helping me learn how
to stick up for myself. |
Pyramid? Elaborate, please. This seems like an interesting metaphor, but I don't get what you're comparing it to, exactly.
6/10. Love ya and tell me when you post stuff! |
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C.J. Mustang
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345 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:03 am Post subject: |
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I liked this poem, although it's not as strong as your other one, 'Beatin' by love'. (While I'm at it, you might want to change "beatin'" to "beaten". Just a little mental note. ) Here's what I thought you might want to fix (I only found 2-Yay!):
| Quote: |
You slammed my face
deep into the ground.
You thought
that you were breaking me
down from my pyramid
of high hopes and dreams.
What you were really doing
was helping me learn
how to stick up for myself.
_____________________________
I really liked your last stanza:
You made me who I am today.
Strong, intelligent,....
Everything you are not.
It's really strong, and I can totally here a voice behind it. Although, if there's already going to be a pause after 'intelligent', you don't really need the comma after it.
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That was it; if you have any questions, you know where to find me!! Love you, and happy editing!!  |
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Uo
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 3:16 am Post subject: |
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omg i love the message that you are sending out......that if you think that you're destroying me by doing you're wrong cause i'm stronger now and i'm so much more than you......lol and are you talking of the pyramid of like self cofidence or what lol cause i didn't really know which you were talking about....but all and all it was a good poem and i liked it short and sweet lol good work dude
-Uo the lady in grey |
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