Topic ID: 31693
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Alarainya
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 Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 9:44 pm Post subject: Dusk |
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When day meets night,
When light meets dark,
When the sun collides with the moon,
The sky glows pink,
The light starts to dim,
And the song of day,
Comes to its last verse,
When day meets night,
When light meets dark,
When the sun collides with the moon,
One bright world slows to a stop.
While one dark world hums to a start,
The song of night starts to thrum,
While the song bird of day chirps its last note. |
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Sofiel
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 9:51 pm Post subject: ! |
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Oh my, this is not blah. Not in the slightest.
I can see why it was published, it's amazing.
I like the repetition of "light meets the dark"...
This a very beautiful poem, but the last line doesn't seem to fit as well with the rest.
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October Girl
All the Scars Spell Out Your Name...
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 9:55 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with Sofiel, this isn't blah at all. I liked the first and second verse. But you want to start off slow and end large. I just didn't see that in your poem, although it was very good I think you could add a little more on maybe? Yes? No? Hmm, best of luck and keep writing. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
-Max |
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Alarainya
Junior Writer
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 10:22 pm Post subject: |
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| Thank you! I appreciate your crits, they are very helpful! |
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I'm a special lover sometimes but you only touch a ghost, I'm a sycophantic courtier wit an elegant repost, Needless to say you're the one I need the most, Cause the only one I come undone for is you.- some lines from Come Undone by Vannessa Carlton |
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summergrl13
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 4:33 pm Post subject: |
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I agree; it is a wonderful poem and I really wouldn't change much about this except for the last line. Try something like this maybe:
"and while the last note of the day bird's song fades with the sun
as the moon and bright stars are hung."
Or something like that.
Also, it does remind me a lot of lyrics so with a bit of tweaking you could easily place it in the lyrics section, which you probably should do.
It's all great now but it could be amazing as a song.
Also, if you do decide to tweak it and put it in lyrics, you should lengthen it. In fact, I think you probably should lengthen it to just a few lines longer as it is now.
Other than all this, it was perfect. Great job!
0(o.o)0 |
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