Young Writers Society - HSM in RL chapter 4

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by eaglefire91 in Science-Fiction


	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on June 16, 2008

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•what relally happened: a HSM RL fic CHAPTER 2

•HSM in RL chapter 3:

HSM in RL chapter 4

Topic ID: 31692

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spaced_out
Writer

Gender:

Age: 11
Joined: 27 Apr 2008
Posts: 78
Reviews: 11
Country: USA!
315 Points

Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 9:03 pm Post subject: HSM in RL chapter 4

HSM IN RL CHAPTER 4; the portal "OMG. I knew that the baby was due in June, but not before graduation!" said Matt "would you drive a hell of a lot faster- my ass hurts!" said Vanessa "He's driving!" said Alvin "why don't we use our seeing things to spy on Lucas and Ashley ?" asked Matt They all looked older then they were. They were teens. You would not think so. It made their hearts sink, knowing their lives were down the drain, since they took off their cloths. It made them all so sad. "SURE!" said the group The group saw Ashly being fucked... oh how they loved it! "she's getting a big shock tomorrow when she finds out!" said Vanessa, wincing in pain Ashley returned to suck on Lucas's cock. "baby, do it harder!" he yelled "ok.. too disturbing" said Matt\ "hey look I found the phone!" said Alvin "set it to the SL." said Matt Matt pushed the button and off they went. ------ MATT
_________________ if you can dream YOU CAN DO IT!

Spazztardchild
Junior Writer

Gender:

Age: 16
Joined: 25 May 2008
Posts: 49
Reviews: 15
Country: UK
300 Points

Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 1:43 pm Post subject:

OK. I won't say the 'C word' again. But please do.

Random secks scene. Although not. It is a little bit better!

Quote:

me experience They all looked older then they were. They were teens. You would not think so. It made their hearts sink, knowing their lives were down the drain, since they took off their cloths. It made them all so sad.

This is too matter of fact. If taking off their clothes is making them sad ... why would they do it in the first place? Join up the first three sentences because they look awkward separated.

SL means?

Quote:

The group saw Ashly being fucked... oh how they loved it!

Why on earth would you watch someone doing the nasty when you are about to give birth? That makes no sense whatsoever. I personally would not love watching something that made pain at the time of experiencing said pain.

Overall: needs more description! You are not writing a play. Treat this as a story and show us what exactly what is happening. The bare bones are here but the rest is missing!

I know I probably sound like a parrot but please do heed my words. They are for your benefit. ;p

The direction is natural for what it is! You decide what you do next. Tis not up to me.

_________________
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Graffito

It made me LOLums

This thread was created on June 16, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction	All times are GMT
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This thread was created on June 16, 2008

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