If you’re looking for a fantastic adventure with magnificent creatures and wonderful knights in shining armor, then go away; you don’t belong here. On the other hand, if you’re looking for the truth, then hello, friend. My name is Lorlan, and I shall be your guide.

I was born in the elf capital, Meridium, 85 years ago. My mother and father were, well, beautiful, as are all other members of elf society. I’m not, and in opposition to the popular concept of elves being generous, accepting, and honorable, I was disowned. They took me to the City of Lost Souls, which is a slum in which the scum of the world take residence, and left me there. I still haven’t forgiven them...

In contrast to my ancestors and most of the elves of lore, I’m what some might call extremely ugly. Where most elves have long, flowing, golden, silk-like hair, I have short, choppy, wiry hair that’s about the color of mud. Where they are tall and graceful, I’m short and clumsy (5 feet and 7 inches tall, to be exact). I have a beard, which is something rarely found on an elf, and it’s a bitch to keep clean, but I like the way it looks.

When I was a child on the streets, I had to fight to protect myself, as did all the other people. And, in those situations, close bonds are formed. Mine was with Alfie, who’s like a brother to me. Alfie is short. I mean, he’s really short. But that’s okay; he’s a dwarf, and dwarves are supposed to be short. He’s a very argumentative little guy, but, underneath it all, I know that he has a heart of cold granite.

Alfie and I were always the outcasts of the city, which is compounded by the fact that it’s already a city of outcasts. We’ve never cared though; we wouldn’t have had fun even if we weren’t outcasts, so why bother?

Now, if this were the traditional load of shit, I’d tell you a story of heroism, courage, and triumph. This isn’t. Like, I said before, I’m sticking to the truth. Nothing good ever happens in our world. There are no heroes, there are only villains. We don’t strive for acceptance, we don’t fight to break a maiden out of a tower. Nope, what you have read previously is a gross misunderstanding.

Good doesn’t win here; it never existed. Evil always has and always will reign supreme. The workers will work to no avail to support themselves and their families, and they will always fail. We will get trod upon numerous times, and not once will somebody have the courage to object. If we see something “bad” happening, we’ll turn the other cheek.

We’re not the bullshit you’ve read about previously, we’re the truth, and we just don’t care anymore. So you can take your bubblegum fairies, you can take your altruistic elves, you can take your noble wizards, and you can shove them all up that mouth in your ass. We just don’t care. So, leave us alone, we don’t need you complicating things any further.

Never Yours,

Lorlan

(The Angry Elf)