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This thread was created on June 16, 2008
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Topic ID: 31676
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Ringo_rules987
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 01 Jun 2008 Posts: 102 Reviews: 61
300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:11 pm Post subject: I Spy |
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I Spy
You want to play a game?
I spy fresh morning dew,
that glistens in the radiant sun.
The moisture on the grass
sparkles like a moonlight oasis.
I spy silence.
You want me to go on?
I spy the multicolored ring
you ran under glacial hopes.
It turned black as the night sky.
You don’t need convalescence.
I spy a liar.
And again? Well then…
I spy tall, towering cotton,
its airiness like morning breath.
Black seeds scatter the harvest,
like thieves pillage a community.
I spy corruption.
Once more? Last time though.
I spy a very precocious child,
a child with poor morals.
I see an abused puppy,
with fear in its eyes.
I spy you. |
_________________ "If you love something, give it away"
~ Conor Oberst |
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Nolan
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 15 Jun 2008 Posts: 92 Reviews: 43 Country: Above Heaven;Below Hell 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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I love the message you're trying to convey, It's wonderful.
You just need to work on your flow.
It seemed a bit choppy, which kind of detracted from the overall mesage.
Other than that, I love the imagery you create.
In that first stanza, I could practically taste dew drops on my tongue.
Bravo.
4 out of 5 stars. |
_________________ "Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
-Nolan Logan |
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Writing for love is a pas
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 223 Reviews: 75 Country: none ya (US) 197 Points
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Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 10:11 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with full force with Nolan.
Your piece had something that I haven't seen in a while, good, really good, description.
You are extremely talented and I will look for your work in the future.
*Gives gold star* |
_________________ Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again. |
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| This thread was created on June 16, 2008 |
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Bartemius says, What orators lack in depth they make up for in length. - Charles de Secondat, Baron de Montesquieu
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