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Searria H.
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 Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 8:13 pm Post subject: |
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Wow! Very interesting Story!!!!
In answer to your questions:
1. I have never read any other stories about werewolves, but I don't think there are any out there like yours.
2. I have no Idea where you are going to go with this, but you'll probably think of something creative and exiting!  I have trouble coming up with plots, so my stories always seem to go on forever. Luckily, I have Jaqueline to help me with that. 
3. I don't know about anyone else, but I stayed interested!
One thing I noticed though, is that a lot of your sentences started with a noun or and adjective. There are some that start with another form of speech, but you might want to add a little more variety. Depends on your prefered style of writing.
I'm a little confused about how all the characters are related to the narrrator, but I guess you will explain that in the following chapters.
Thanks for sharing your story! Great work! Please, please, please keep writing!!!!!
Searria |
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Iya Ythmir
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:13 am Post subject: |
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Hmm, since so many have already posted comments on this, I don't have much to say. But I really, really, really like this one! I'm loving it! I'm into werewolf stories and the like and I much, much, much prefer them to vampires any day. This piece isn't cliche in any way too. Unlike the normal depiction of werewolves having only instinct to kill and to mate - pretty much only the basic instincts of any being - this one puts emotion and thought and intellect in them - which is rare enough in the literary world. I'm planning to have a werewolf story too, only, you've beat me to it. 
Keep on writing!
*on to the first chapter, then* |
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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KJ - As you know, I’m not a very big fan of werewolves, but I did promise you this crit (: I’ll try not to let my general prejudices make me view this story in black colors. As to the N&R part - the you definitely continuing that - you’d better.
Anyway, I’ll start out not with nitpicks, but with answers to the questions (which will probably be very vague, I admit) - nitpicks I could not find, heh.
***
No. 1 - I can’t truthfully answer this question, as I tend to avoid stories/books in which werewolves, or generally any weres, are the main characters. That means that I don’t really have grounds to compare this to anything. Er, last werewolf-related book I read? I cannot really remember, but I did watch “Blood and Chocolate”, something I didn’t really like.
No. 2 - Well, from what I see, my suggestions at this point would be entirely pointless (:
No. 3 - As much as werewolf-based stories go, yes. It’s the theme that I don’t particularly care for, not your writing, which is excellent.
***
As to your piece overall - it flowed well, was awesomely written, etc., etc. I couldn’t find any nitpicks, and so that made also the first, not only second, read much easier. I liked it, as far as the mentioned is concerned, because all you writing is fantastic (and yes, I know I’m repeating myself hear, but bear with me).
The cast, though. “Like” - “like” maybe I did, but not “adore”. And see, I want to “adore”. They’re all fine, I guess, but I feel they could be better, more realistic. I felt that the MC was sort of detached from the events that are obviously important to her, that will obviously have a great impact on her life. I can talk of that “life” part, but she did not know whether she would live - she could have been sentenced to death, no? My major problem, I think, would be emotion. More of that would be needed? I mean, I know this is a prologue, but I think this could have been more emotional. Scary? Scared for her - I should be thinking: Let those votes not be for her death. And I found myself not thinking nothing about her - I just, well, knew what it was all about, knew what was happening, but didn’t really feel for her, or, rather, not in the extent I should. And I really, really should.
The others. They’re characterized, none too subtly (the uncle and aunt), and Mark, too. The father I’ll just omit. But, back to those three, and their characterization. Actions, and words, yes? More or less, that is enough, but I’d still like to see more details, more descriptions build around those.
Pendants - cool, and the pelts, and the fight of Richard and Mark (was there hinting at some kind of relationship between those two? I found him the mysterious-que, darkish-but-not (vague impression) character of this piece).
Also, a thought: Leadership was mentioned. Was there a leader in this Pack? I saw Cornelia leading the vote, her just generally proposing that vote, etc., but I don’t yet know the hierarchy of the Pack, and so it’s hard for me to comment on that.
Cheers,
Esme |
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KJ
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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Esmé: Again, another great review from you. I'd actually been thinking about the leadership thing, and the fact that you pointed it out only urges me to fix that little missing detail.
Everyone else: Have I thanked you yet? If not, THANK YOU. I apreciate the opinions/time given to this story  The next chapter will be along sometime next week. |
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Sorsha2
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 7:59 pm Post subject: Re: By Sun, By Moon - Prologue (Edited) |
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| The eyes of my family bored into my back, and I hunched my shoulders defensively. |
You don't hunch your shoulders defensively. Its usually seen as a sign of weakness, sorrow, regret, cowering, etc. Maybe the protaganist 'squared' her shoulders, or drew them back, etc.
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| They surrounded me, not speaking and judging. Their features, some snarling, some cold, and others anguished, were eerily alighted by the circle of torches. |
This was a little too awkward. I suggest it be rephrased. Maybe:
I was surrounded by a close knit circle of faces, thier features cold, others anguished and some snarling; all were eerily alighted by the glow of torches.
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| Richard turned his glare on him. “Shut your mouth, pup. She deserves what she gets, and more. Judgement must be issued.” |
I would probably italicize 'judgement' to give the word more wieght, intensity and impact.
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| Mark was a wolf of many inclinations, and did not necessarily follow all rules of the Pack. |
How so? If he's their leader I would think that rules would be something he'd want to seen upheld at all times. Leaders usually lead by example so I find this a little...odd. Also, werewolves are 'animals' by nature, the list of scents described above - how do they imply his 'inclinations' as being those that the other of the Pack would not follow as well?
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| The dark Pack member leaped through the air, wearing his pelt before he hit the ground. |
I am confused. Did he turn from a man into a werewolf at this point? If so you might want to describe the transformation in a bit more detail. (Where there had once been flesh their was now a thick pelt of fur covering well muscled, sinewy limbs, etc, etc.)
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| My uncle was less skilled in his change, and he stumbled back on a root, tumbling to the hard ground. |
Huh?
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| The Pack merely watched and did not offer assistance. Events like this were never interfered; status was something sacred and only between two wolves, unless a leader was to be elected. Then every male in the Pack would fight. |
This was awkwardly phrased.
Try: In a flash Mark was over my uncle, teeth bared and snarling while those who comprised the Pack merely observed from the side. As per our laws, events such as these no one was to interfer.
The rest is not clear enough for me to make sense of it. 'Satus was something sacred and only between two wolves" ... I suggest you break this up and explain in more details so its less confusing and vague.
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| As he was already lying on his back, my uncle merely lifted up his arms, changing fully to present his belly. |
Should make it clear that this is an act of submission, might even want to state it after you mention that Mark is satisfied 'by her uncle's display of submission'
Also, I think you give the uncle's name too late in the story, and he doesn't need to constantly be refered to as 'uncle' as well. Feels very repetitve.
| Quote: |
| I resisted growing my own fur and throwing myself at her. |
What does this signify? What does growing her fur have to do with displaying any remorse or contrite? It's clear that they have thier own mannerisms and ways of conveying emotion but it makes no sense to the reader if this is not explained in some fashion.
The word 'howled' is used waaay too many times. Try rotating with other variations like: Bayed, cried, wailed, etc. 'a crescendo of voices rose in an eerie chorus, the sound, melodic, sorrowful and inately wild was carried high on the night breeze; the figures illuminated by the full moon.
Story:
I think you have the bones for a compelling piece, the writing is a little flat but still shows potential. I think the more people you have reviewing the piece the better because its easy for us as the writer to envision everything that we often can't see the faults (I have the same problem, especially if I am writing a very intense scene - I can get so lost in the moment that I tend to forget no one else can make sense of what I see in my head the way I do).
Characters:
I don't really feel sorry for Genny. We need to empathize with her more. Give us more information about her and what has happened and why they are so upset with her that htey feel death is a suitable punishment over banishment. Right now I'm kind of like: Ok, she's going to face execution. Meh.... (obviously not a reaction you want from your reader.) Also, you might want to down play the whole segment with Mark attacking the uncle for daring to question his authority. And I don't really see Mark as being the 'leader' type. I think of more as the loose cannon/enforcer - the one who sits next to the leader and acts as his right hand man but secretly longs for the status and power of being the Pack leader. He's too vicious and cold with not enough strength of character to properly lead a Pack. Give him more depth. Maybe he has a temper, but tone it down a bit. Instead of him attacking the uncle, maybe another wolf steps in and challenges him for the insult. It would show the Packs devotion to the leader and desire to defend him.
So far the only thing different I see about this peice from other werewolf stories is that they can change thier form at will. Aside from that (thus far) it seems a little streamlined but its only the prologue so I wouldn't expect to really see or understand the entire picture just yet. I'll have more to say about this by ... oh, I guess Chapter 6 or so (depending on how the story unfolds).
Keep writing, especially since this is a story you've been interested in writing. I look forward to seeing how it develops.
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lyrical_sunshine
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 8:16 pm Post subject: Re: By Sun, By Moon - Prologue (Edited) |
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All my corrections/comments are in bold, okay? :D
| KJ wrote: |
*Note to those who follow my work* I will continue to work on N&R, and others. Just wanted to get this off my chest. I've always wanted to write something about werewolves.Hope you like it.
A few questions:
1. Does it seem at all different from other werewolf stories? I wanted to go for something original.
2. Any preferences on how this should continue? I admit I'm kind of stumped. Ideas welcome.
3. Do I capture interest?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Prologue
June 6, 2008
Mackenzie Valley
The eyes of my family bored into my back, and I hunched my shoulders defensively. They surrounded me, not speaking and judging. Their features, some snarling, some cold, and others anguished, were eerily alighted by the circle of torches. The woods around all of us were dark, and disconcertingly silent. The creatures knew of our presence and feared it—as they should have.
Mark stood above me, beautiful and cold, on the Stone. His eyes shone yellow, and he had grown fangs. I met his stare, hating and defying his silent condescension. But after a long moment, I was the one to drop my gaze. Hoping for some kind of help, I glanced at my father.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” Uncle Richard bellowed at me, at last breaking the quiet. His words sliced through the air like the downward stroke of a knife. I gritted my teeth. Blurting out the wrong words then would only serve to have my pendant taken away, and I couldn’t have that happen.
“I was… wrong to leave Mackenzie,” I muttered. “I’m sorry.”
“Wrong to leave, were you?” my uncle hissed. Fur was sprouting all over his body as he spoke. “Wrong to leave? You’ve destroyed us! All that we’ve worked for, all that we had—”
“Enough, Richard,” Mark said sharply.
Richard turned his glare on him. “Shut your mouth, pup. She deserves what she gets, and more. Judgement must be issued.”
Mark snarled, and my uncle cringed. I took a step back as Mark jumped off the Stone. He brushed past me, and I held my breath against the scent that touched my nose: the smell of the forest, of wind, of sex (this is strange...what does it mean, he smells of sex? he smells like he just had sex, or is this like an animal smelling the sex of another animal?). Mark was a wolf of many inclinations, and did not necessarily follow all rules of the Pack.
The dark Pack member leaped through the air, wearing his pelt before he hit the ground. My uncle was less skilled in his change, and he stumbled back on a root, tumbling to the hard ground. The Pack merely watched and did not offer assistance. Events like this were never interfered; status was something sacred and only between two wolves, unless a leader was to be elected. Then every male in the Pack would fight.
“Do you challenge me?” Mark asked Uncle Richard in a deep, gravelly voice, his paws on each side of his head. The man, scowling, eyes full of fear, shook his head in the negative. As he was already lying on his back, my uncle merely lifted up his arms, changing fully to present his belly.
Satisfied, Mark backed off. He did not bother changing back, sitting down next to Derrick, and returned to staring at me. (Hmm...this sentence should probably be rephrased. "He did not bother changing back. Instead he sat down next to Derrick and resumed staring at me." Something like that.) I presented my back to him, and faced my cousins. I did not know what else I could say. Promises were never made in the Pack, because they were considered ineffectual and unneeded. I had nothing to offer.
Uncle Richard did not dare speak again, but a telling vein bulged in his red forehead. I again looked pleadingly at my father. He sighed, raking a hand through his gray hair.
“Gen, I…” He looked away. I bit my lip. Even he could not bear the sight of me.
“In one thing Richard is right: judgement must be passed,” my aunt Cornelia said. I resisted growing my own fur and throwing myself at her. She had never liked me, and I had never hated her more than at this moment.
Then came the vote, of course led by Cornelia. Three choices. Three options. I could only stand and wait. “Those in favor of banishment?” she called, raising her hand towards the round orb of the moon. Pelts were being thrown on everywhere, and soon Pack, not family, was around me. Pendants glowed like small stars on their chests, in colors of red, green, blue, and white.
Several howls rose and fell quickly.
“Those in favor of forgiveness?” she continued.
My stomach clenched when there were only a few howls.
Then came the last, the final judgement. And from the wolves that were still waiting to cast their vote, I already knew my fate. (*cue creepy music* :D )
“Those in favor of death.”
I did not look to see who wanted this ("I did not look to see who howled for my death"...something just a little more dramatic, maybe? It's such a serious moment). I gazed at my feet, blinking back tears. Howls were rising to the moon, bloodthirsty and anticipating. I hummed to myself to stop my ears from defining whose howls could be heard (Try to rephrase this. It's passive voice, and passive voice in this case just weakens the intensity of the situation). I could identify many, if I so chose.
But I didn’t want to know.
Aunt Cornelia lowered her hand. “Judgement has been passed,” she announced. The entire Pack, as was tradition, howled in unison after the words had been uttered. Some howled in grief, some in tribulation (tribulation is a noun that means "trials" - is this really the word you wanted?), some in exaltation. My aunt made her noise (it's not just a noise, it's a howl, how they communicate...I'm craving a stronger word here) with the rest.
Then came a moment of silence. No one would look at me; I was a Shamed One. An outcast, a traitor. No longer Pack.
The old one finally turned to me. She regarded me with her faded blue eyes.
“Tomorrow night, when the full moon rises,” she whispered. “Genny Soren will be put to death.”
I did not plead for mercy, as part of me wanted to. Instead, I straightened my spine and glared at her. My white pendant began to glow, warm and light against my skin. But I resisted the Calling.
“You are no relation of mine,” Cornelia told me in a hard voice. I lifted my chin.
“You never were a relation of mine,” I said coldly. “And I hope your pelt rots in the sun.” It is an insult of the worst kind. The old woman stiffens, and the Pack is whispering in low, shocked tones. (Hmm, it seems like sort of a weak insult...can you make it more fierce? Just a suggestion, take it or leave it.)
“Your death will be long and painful!” she shouts. “We will go back to the ruins tomorrow, where this human destroyed us!”
The howls rose again, and I closed my eyes. |
Very good. I did a lot of nit-picking, but don't take it personally - it's just because I really enjoyed this story.
I love the pack dynamics, how they are so very human and so very animal at the same time. Most werewolf stories focus heaviiy on one or the other, but you did a great job combining the two.
The amulet is also intriguing. I want to know more about it. And I want to know what Genny did to deserve death. Looking forward to more!
~Sunny |
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sasquash
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 2:42 am Post subject: |
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Generally, i just read the first few paragraphs, and stop because they tend to be too long. This on the other hand, hooked me from the very beginning.
I had certain parts of the story though that had me confused.... maybe a little lost. I think the wording could have been changed around a little bit to help this. I would define what i mean by this, but im a bit short on time at the moment. i do hope to be back and finish out this post, if you would like that.
All in all, a great story that i hope to read more of. Keep it going, i think that if you do for long enough, you could get this baby published! Just work out some of the wording a bit and it will be amazing . |
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KJ
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:18 pm Post subject: |
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| *Edited* I took everyone's suggestions into consideration. |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 3:52 pm Post subject: |
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Kels, good, as you should already know. I did notice that when you spell the word “Judgment” you spell it with an “e”. I’m not sure if you did that on purpose or not but it isn’t a huge deal. I was just wondering.
Also, some of your paragraphs are choppy. If you read them out loud to yourself, as I did, you will see what I mean. Especially when you use your dashes, you have to make sure that it is as smooth as the entire sentence.
Now, time for individuals:
| Quote: |
| The woods around all of us were dark, and disconcertingly silent. |
Okay, this is an example of the choppy thing. I mean, this sentence makes sense in all ways, but it could be smoother. With the part about “all of us”…I don’t know, it was just weird to read out loud. Maybe try: The woods encircled around us, dark and disconcertingly silent. Or something like that.
| Quote: |
| Mark asked Uncle Richard in a deep, gravelly voice, his paws on each side of his head. |
“Gravely” instead of “gravelly”
Other than that, it’s time for the positives!
1) When you used the dates and places and what was happening in the beginning of the chapter. You didn’t have that last time, I don’t think, and it was a nice change!
2) I see that you added more to this chapter. There wasn’t as much fighting in this one. But I do think that it could have used some more insight with your MC. I felt sort of disconnected from her, like I knew what was going on in her head…but not all of the time. Try to work with that. .
Well, I guess that’s all I got for you. I mean, there isn’t much to say when you write so well.
Keep it up, Kels! |
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wizkid515
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| Posted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 4:32 am Post subject: |
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| Hey |
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wizkid515
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| Posted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 4:41 am Post subject: review |
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WOW! Great Story Alert
Your story held me in suspense while i read to see what happened to Genny.
Her aunt is so cruel. I.E.
| Quote: |
| " All in favour of death" |
... or something like that.
All of your grammar and spelling error have been addressed so i won't go into those.
IWANNA READ SOME MORE!
PM if you have any questions |
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sylverdawn
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 1:06 am Post subject: |
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Really nice, it makes for a good prologue. You have a good concept of hierarchy, and how the wolf pack would deal justice. Personally I thought the pendants were a nice touch, it gives a sense of reality to the story. You did your characters well, I liked Mark's personality he seems to be a bit of a rebel. Her aunt is the type of person I would hate, but again, the personality is well developed, even if the evil aunt is a little cliched.
You did a good job with the ritual of passing judgment, passing votes by howling was cool. And again, it's those little details that make a story believable. I'll read the rest of them so keep up the good work.
PM me as you wright more. |
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scasha
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| Posted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 5:23 pm Post subject: Re: By Sun, By Moon - Prologue |
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Hey KJ! I'm scasha! Anyway, I saw this was edited in august, so i've decided to check it out. Let's see what you've got.
| KJ wrote: |
Prologue
June 6, 2008
Mackenzie Valley
Judgement
The eyes of my family bored into my back, and I hunched my shoulders defensively. They surrounded me, silent and judging. Their features—some snarling, some cold, and others anguished— Okay, just a heads up, I'll be striking through a lot because telling vs. showing is really integral to a good story. Let character's actions/environment speak for themselves without telling us directly what they are feeling were eerily alighted by the circle of torches. The woods around all of us were dark, and disconcertingly silent. The creatures knew of our presence and feared it, as they should.
Mark stood above me, beautiful and cold, on the Stone. His eyes shone yellow, and he had exchanged his human teeth for his menacing fangs. I met his stare, hating and defying his silent condescension. But, after a long moment, I was the one to drop my gaze. Hoping for some kind of help, I glanced at my father.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” Uncle Richard bellowed at me, breaking the quiet at last. His words sliced through the air like the downward stroke of a knife. Love it! I gritted my teeth. Blurting out the wrong words then would only serve to have my pendant taken away, and I couldn’t have that happen.
“I was… wrong to leave Mackenzie,” I muttered. “To go to them… and I’m sorry.”
“Wrong to leave, were you?” my uncle hissed. Fur was sprouting all over his body as he spoke. “Wrong to leave? You’ve destroyed us! The humans are already here, sniffing around! All that we’ve worked for, all that we had—”
“Enough, Richard,” Mark said sharply.
Richard turned his glare on him. “Shut your mouth, pup. She deserves what she gets, and more. Judgement must be issued.”
Mark snarled, and my uncle cringed. I took a step back as Mark jumped off the Stone. He brushed past me, and I held my breath against the scent that touched my nose: the smell of the forest, of wind, of sex. Mark was a wolf of many inclinations, and did not necessarily follow all the rules of the Pack.
The dark Pack member leaped through the air, wearing his pelt before he hit the ground. There was no great flash, no sound or obvious indication of what had just transpired. One moment there was a dark young man in the air, and then the next a black wolf towered over Richard.
My uncle was less skilled in his change, and he stumbled back on a root, tumbling to the hard ground. Mark leaped on him, and Richard cried out in fear. The Pack merely watched and did not offer assistance. Events like this were never interfered The begining of this sentence sounds awkward. Reword ; status was something sacred and only decided between two wolves. The exception to this was if a new leader was to be elected; Take out the semicolon then every male in the Pack would fight.
“Do you challenge me?” Mark asked Uncle Richard in a deep, gravelly voice, his paws on each side of his head. While Mark was not the leader—the Pack had no definite leader yet, since our last Alpha died a month ago—he was above my uncle. But wouldn't there need to be a new Alpha? Wouldn't the next in line move up? The older man, scowling, eyes full of fear, shook his head in the negative. As he was already lying on his back, my uncle merely lifted up his paws, changing completely to present his belly Again, confusing wording of this sentence. Reword .
Satisfied by the sign of submission, Mark backed off. He did not bother changing back to his human form. Instead, he sat down next to Derrick and resumed staring at me. I presented my back to him, facing my cousins. Their faces alone told me that most were not willing to compromise. I did not know what else I could say. Promises were never made in the Pack, because they were considered ineffectual and unneeded. I had nothing to offer.
Uncle Richard did not dare speak again, but a telling vein bulged in his red forehead. I again looked pleadingly at my father. He sighed, raking a hand through his gray hair.
“Gen, I…” He looked away. I bit my lip. Even he could not bear the sight of me.
“In one thing Richard is right: Judgement must be passed,” my Aunt Cornelia said. I resisted growing my own fangs and claws, and throwing myself at her. She had never liked me, and I had never hated her more than at this moment.
This jump from the previous paragraph to this paragraph was too abrupt. Show us how the vote starts. Have her say, "time to vote" or something. Don't just dive right into it Then came the vote, led by Cornelia. Three choices. Three options. I could only stand and wait. “Those in favor of banishment?” she called, raising her hand towards the round orb of the moon. Pelts were being thrown on everywhere, and soon the Pack, not[ b]my[/b] family, was around me. Pendants glowed like small stars on their chests, in colors of red, green, blue, and white. I remained as I was.
Several howls rose and fell quickly.
“Those in favor of forgiveness?” she continued. Why did she raise her hand and everyone else howl? Consistency please
My stomach clenched when there were only a few cries from the Pack.
Then came the last, the final judgement. And from the wolves that were still waiting to cast their vote, I already knew my fate.
“Those in favor of death.”
I did not look to see who wanted this. I gazed at my feet, blinking back tears. The Pack’s baying rose to the moon, bloodthirsty and anticipating. I hummed to myself to stop my ears from defining whose howls could be heard. I could identify many, if I so chose.
But I didn’t want to know.
Aunt Cornelia lowered her hand. “Judgement has been passed,” she announced. The entire Pack, as was tradition, howled in unison after the words had been uttered. Some howled in grief, some in tribulation, some in exaltation. My aunt made her calls with the rest. The rest of what? with the bloodthirsty ones? be specific
Then came a moment of silence. No one would look at me; I was a Shamed One. An outcast, a traitor. No longer Pack.
My aunt, a trace of a satisfied smile on her wrinkled face, finally turned to me. But I thought she voted for casting her out? She regarded me with her faded blue eyes. “Tomorrow night, when the full moon rises,” she whispered. “Genny Soren will be put to death on the Stone.”
I did not plead for mercy, as part of me wanted to. Instead, I straightened my spine and glared at her. My white pendant began to glow, warm and light against my skin. But I resisted the Calling.
“You are no relation of mine,” Cornelia told me in a hard voice. I lifted my chin.
“You never were a relation of mine,” I said coldly. “And I hope your pelt rots in the sun.” It was an insult of the worst kind. The old woman stiffened, and the Pack whispered amongst each other in low, shocked tones.
“Your death will be long and painful!” she shouted. “You will not die on the Stone, as have other wolves. You will die in shame. We will go back to the ruins tomorrow, where this human destroyed us!”
The howls rose again, and I closed my eyes. |
Wow! Intense! I loved the action, the tension, everything right from the start! Your prose was very beautiful at times. You definitley have a way with words.
Overall Crits:
Wait, What Just Happened: At times, you can be a little inconsistent. Such as with the howling for the judgement and the choosing of the leaders as I pointed out above and I was also a bit confused as to what you meant by pelts. Is it their human clothing? is it their fur? I wasn't sure if it was directly connected to their bodies or not.
Don't Tell Us A Story, Show us: Overall, you do a good job with telling vs. Showing, however, I think if you weed out the parts where you tell us instead of showing us what the MC is feeling, your piece will be a lot stronger. I weeded out parts of them, so I would just go through and see what things and feelings you could put into action.
Other than that, great job! It held my attention for the entire thing! I can't wait to read the rest. |
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telle_04
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 27 Nov 2008
Posts: 30
Reviews: 23
Country: Philippines
356 Points
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| Posted: Tue Dec 02, 2008 11:12 am Post subject: Re: By Sun, By Moon - Prologue |
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KJ, right?
well, i'm new here in yws...and i'm really enjoying how young writers interact with one anothder by sharing their thoughts and ideas.
i love stories that contain supernatural elements like werewolves, vampires, angels, demons... because i think it would attract much attention than simple stories.
and you have more than ten chapters right?..wow, i can't imagine writing that fast..how long have you been writing this story?
truly, the title caught my attention. By Sun, By Moon..where'd you get it?
keep it up..i'd love to read the succeeding chapters, but still, i need more time.
god bless. |
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