Topic ID: 31667
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deafwriter_19
feels bad for beating up his avatar
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 378
Reviews: 110
Country: The Lacrymosa of A Deaf Teenager's Mind
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:35 am Post subject: Surreal Submission |
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You’re making me talk too fast!
Words blend together, we both can’t understand…
And my tongue trips on
To voice the words in my mind.
You cause me to spin ‘round and ‘round
Like one of those old records.
And I can’t seem to pause
From this head rush.
Is this true intoxication?
I’m in nothing but a haze.
And I don’t really wanna wake up
From the spell you cast on me.
Why do you have to be like this?
So perfect, I can hardly comprehend.
You’re like the ruby amongst crystals,
The diamond in the rogue.
Every chocolate glance you give me
I am falling again, falling fast!
With every hint of your velvet voice
I’m melting into liquid gold…
You torture me with your smile.
Why do we have to wait till night
To have those secrets spilled
And for our souls to join?
As dawn comes I become myself again
Except for the ecstasy in my veins.
You whisper that “it’s only twelve hours”
Until I am able to surrender again.
You exhale the life I need most.
I’m not thinking clearly now!
How do I survive without you by my side?
I can only hope that the seconds go fast…
People complain about time being short!
Why do the minutes seem like hours to me?
This delight has made me deaf, blind and lame
And you are the only cure to this condition.
The sky flaunts its diamonds as midnight surrounds us.
I’m slipping in this enchantment once again.
The world is exploding in color once more,
But they quickly pale next to your splendor.
You say everything in one word and one touch.
Sweetness surrounds me, striking me to the core.
And I am wrapped in this web that won’t let go.
It feels so surreal to say that I’m only content with you... |
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I don't have to be a great person. I have to be a great writer.
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Anonamuse
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 29 Sep 2007
Posts: 87
Reviews: 30
Country: Hidden beyond the sites of man
335 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:48 am Post subject: |
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I had a little trouble figuring out what it was about. Your rhym was a little weird as well, it seemed to move slow.
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You’re like the ruby amongst crystals,
The diamond in the rogue. |
I think you meant to use 'rough' instead of 'rogue'. A rogue is someone who doesn't follow the rules, like a spy, or an assisin.
I hope that helped. |
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Apartment 37 where flying cell phones, and burnt frying pans are the norm. |
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budding writer
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 17 Mar 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 30
Country: guess
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 7:46 am Post subject: |
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overall it was good. though i would seriously say that poetry is not your thing, it just wasn't meant for you. i think you should keep on writing stories(romantic fiction please ! my favourite). but who says that you have to stop, your'e choice. my review as follows :
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| I had a little trouble figuring out what it was about. Your rhym was a little weird as well, it seemed to move slow. |
well i will agree on that. you need to make it more intresting. pull the reader in with it. i have to say, it just seems like a big jumble of words. you need to make it shorter, faster moving, and good description of feelinngs which is a must.
- the second thing i noticede was that you use too many big words. try to keep it simple but descriptive, doing this makes it understandable for othere to know from which typed of age you aim for.
the last thing, atleast give a little hint of where it is happening. if readers can get that little hint than they can actually see what happens. there is a sying that goes : its better to let readers visualise their own picture instead of wasting time trying to explain it to them.
thats it. i am not this great peotry reviewer but not too bad either. pm me if you need any more critiques. |
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a friend who writes is a friend for life. |
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Fangala the Flying Feline
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Posts: 273
Reviews: 216
Country: 20% in the present, 80% in my head
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 9:16 pm Post subject: |
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It was good. I think you can cut this down a lot, and watch your questions marks and exclamation points. Opening with an exclamation was brilliant, but that's the only one you need. Any more than that and you just exhaust the reader.
Your first stanza was good; it doesn't need any work. The second tripped me up with the way you said "'round and 'round." Somehow that doesn't work. Maybe just say, "You make me spin like one of those old records."
The third stanza is lost on me. Remember, go easy on punctuation. Also, the words "haze" and "intoxication" seem to fall through. Maybe change this stanza into a simile, comparing the experience to something concrete.
Fourth stanza: explain how perfect this person is without using the word perfect. I want physical description--hair, eyes, clothes... or lack thereof... Anyway, try to be exact in your explanations.
Next stanza is good. Chocolate gaze is a lovely metaphor. Velvet voice and liquid gold border on cliche, so be careful there.
As for the rest, just remember about punctuation, cutting out any vague words, and giving concrete detail.
The best thing about this poem was that I could feel your passion. You clearly poured a lot of soul into it. Keep writing and keep the passion alive! |
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"Hey look! A black shooting star!"
"That's no star...that's Fangala!" |
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Flame11
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 35
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 2:51 am Post subject: |
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Great job! I agree with Anonamuse that you mean rough not rogue. Rogue means all what Anonamuse said but also means a kind of make up.
I also agree with Fangala the Flying Feline. You can cut down on it a lot. Some of the poem is confusing to me.
It's also a bit slow. I agree with budding writer that poetry isn't really your thing...
Alex |
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One by one, the penguins are stealing my sanity. |
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