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Broken - 9
Broken - 9

by CastlesInTheSky in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on June 15, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Poisoned Roses--Prologue
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 1
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 2
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 3
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 4
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 6
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 7
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 8
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 9
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 10
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 11
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 12
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 13
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 14
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 15
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 16
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 17
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 18

Poisoned Roses--Chapter 5 Goto page 1, 2  Next

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:44 am    Post subject: Poisoned Roses--Chapter 5 Reply with quote

**Edited as of Sept. 19**

Hope you enjoy this!

Happy Reading!

________________________________

CHAPTER FIVE

At school, I fear that Carmen is still avoiding me. He wasn’t there on the walk to school and now he has yet to visit my locker as he usually does daily. I glance warily around me as humans brush my back on their way to class. I ignore them and their intoxicating scents. I only concentrate on trying to spot Carmen out in the crowd.

It isn’t hard.

His blonde locks and godlike features make him stand out against the mortals around him. He is leaning against a locker a few yards away with the rest of the group around him. I see Michael’s eyes flicker to me, and I smile invitingly. He grins back, and Carmen turns to see what has caught his attention.

His eyes land on me, and my smile turns to a gentle up-turn of my lips. His eyes soften. I see him turn to Michael, whispering in his ear something that I can’t make out even with my supernatural hearing. I watch as he leaves the other boys and approaches me. I close the locker just as he speaks. “Hey, Sophia,” he greets.

I turn to face him, having to stretch my neck back to be able to look him in the eye. His eyes are a creamy butterscotch color today as they eye me with a gentle gaze. “How are you and Nora?” I ask him, not letting myself ignore what has conspired between my two friends.

“Good. Very good,” he says, a joyful grin parting his lips. “I know all the things that have transpired between us... but what you did yesterday...” He stops, short, unable to continue.

“I understand,” I whisper, softly squeezing his hand in mine. “I want you and Nora to be happy.”

“We are,” he assures me. I remove my hand when the bell rings. “Walk with me to lunch?” he asks, holding out the crook of his arm to me.

I grin slyly and swat at it, swinging a friendly arm around his waist.

In the lunchroom, Carmen forces me to avoid getting food today. Instead, he leads me to a separate table away from the other boys. I narrow my eyes in suspicion as he inclines for me to take a seat next to him. I oblige, and he collapses beside me. I continue to look skeptically at him until he speaks. “I wanted to talk without the others listening.”

“You don’t think they will be?” I cock an eyebrow at Michael, who hears my comment and quickly looks away, head bowed low over the tabletop. Carmen chuckles, and I laugh with him.

“No, but I did want to at least try to have some privacy,” he explains.

“And what is so important that you have to talk to me in private about?” I ask with a thoughtful expression.

Carmen frowns at my obvious scorn towards him, and I grin bashfully. I plead with my eyes for him to continue. He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. “For over a hundred years, I have waited and waited for my Blood Mate to come,” he begins, “And when you were changed only thirty years ago, I thought you were it.”

My eyes widen. I can’t believe that Carmen is actually sharing his feelings with me. In the past, it had always been me telling him all about my secrets and desires. Now here he is expressing himself in front of me. I lean unintentionally closer, eager to hear more.

“We connected at first glance. I remember my Birth Parents—“

“Anita and Walter,” I cut in, smiling tenderly at him.

He nods. “Yes. After they created me, they became my new family. And the love that was between them was…was purely unreal. I had never seen anything like it.

“And from that moment on, I had always craved what they had. Walter used to tell me stories about the Blood Mate and how it works. He said that immediately upon seeing Anita, he had knew that she was going to be his Blood Mate. I never really understood how it worked.

“Walter tried to explain, telling me how once that two vampires wished to united, they would be connected in a Bond so strong, that it existed for eternity. Walter said that it was the strongest of holds that you could have on another being.

“But you couldn’t be Bonded until another vampire Consented the connection. By doing this, you are connected not only to your Blood Mate but also to the Uniter, or the one who Consented the deepest marriage of all.” Carmen pauses. I feel my eyes widen.

I am their Uniter.

I never knew this part of the Bonding existed. I knew about the deepest connection with one another—how that once you were connected with someone else, you could almost hear their thoughts and feel their desires as if they were your own.

But I had never knew that Consenting such a connection made you a part of it.

“I-I had no idea,” I fumble.

“I know.” Carmen smiles softly. “That’s why I wanted to tell you. Philip told me about what was troubling you.”

I glower severely at him. “Philip told you this?”

“Yes. And I want you to know that as our Uniter you will be as much connected to us as we are to each other.”

“So you are going through with it then?” I ask softly.

Carmen’s eyes deepen until they are puddles of chocolate fudge. “I love her, Sophia. Nora is my Blood Mate. I feel it.” He hesitates before plunging forward. “I know it sounds crazy as we have really known each other for a few months. But Walter had always told me that when you find that special person, you’d just know. And with Nora, I just know.”

“I’m happy for you, Carmen,” I tell him, taking his hand in mine. “Truly, I am.”

“I know you are.” Carmen squeezes my hand.

Abruptly, he stands as the bell rings. I follow suit and push in my chair. “So will you stay our Uniter?”

“Of course,” I reply back without a moment’s hesitation.

* * * *

I enter my next class feeling unnaturally light. I had assumed that once I knew Carmen and Nora would be Bonded for all eternity that I would feel isolated and forgotten but it has had the opposite effect. Now that I know that I am their Uniter and will share with them the feeling of unity, I have never felt more joyful and free.

Taking my usual seat in the corner of my British Literature class, I gaze outside. It seems that somehow, the weather is mocking me. The sky is a menacing gray with thick clouds, the sun having vanished. The clouds are rimmed with green and black, a rumble of thunder shaking the earth.

It doesn’t leave me feeling any worse, however. I am in too high of spirits to be brought down.

Mrs. Walker soon enters, smelling of mothballs and a curious hint of coffee beans. I look up in interest. However, she appears normal, dressed in a loose-fitting blouse and tan khakis. I sigh and glance around the classroom. It seems that everyone is present, all the chairs and tables filled.

As my eyes scan the room, I meet another pair intent upon my form. I jolt, seeing those electric blue eyes that are becoming familiar to me. The corners of his mouth up-turn in a small smile, and I can’t help but smile back. He seems pleased that I did and becomes bolder. I watch as his mouth forms the words how are you?

I surprise myself when I reply, mouthing back the words, good. You?

I’m fine. He grins again and looks like he is about to say more but Mrs. Walker interrupts, beginning class.

I spin back to face the front, peeking out of the corner of my eye to see Isaac cupping his chin in his hand, staring blankly at the teacher as she discusses A Midsummer Night’s Dream, the recent play we just read. His chestnut hair curls casually around his ears, highlighted naturally with streaks of dark blonde. I wonder where he has been over winter break to get such hair. I watch as he stares at his fingers—slender and tan like the rest of him. His skin stands out amongst all of our other classmates, all of us pasty white in comparison. His eyes sparkle when they peer over at me. I fluster, quickly looking down at my desk. My breathing is heavy and I clutch at my chest, bewildered. When I glance back up, I see a smile plucking at his lips as he stares forward again.

After class, I gather my books. My notebook slips towards the edge and I reach out for it, brushing fingers with another. I gasp, the warmth catching me off guard. By the bronze skin I know already who it is, Isaac’s familiar cologne washing over me. “Hey,” he says quietly.

“Hey,” I squeak, quickly taking the notebook from him. I don’t dare look at him for fear of doing something stupid.

“Where were you yesterday?” he asks, and I fail by glancing at him with surprise.

“Yesterday?” I repeat, feeling dumbfounded.

“Yeah, in Baking. I had to make blueberry muffins without a partner.” His eyes are intent on me, waiting.

“Umm,” I hesitate, not knowing what to say. He locks me beneath his gaze, his cerulean orbs gleaming. “I was at the lake,” I answer quickly and then curse myself silently. Why did I just tell him that? I demand of myself but Isaac brings my attention back to him by speaking.

“You were at the lake?” His expression is puzzled.

“Yes,” I reply, walking quickly through the classroom door.

Isaac pursues. “So you were skipping?”

I spin back around to face him, shocking him by my swiftness. “I wasn’t skipping,” I glower.

“Oh, right. Just leaving school without permission?” He lifts an eyebrow, his expression coy.

“I-I…well,” I stutter, feeling my tongue tangle inside of my mouth as I struggle to come up with an answer as the bell near us rings loudly, making us both jump.

“Time for class,” Isaac informs me but he doesn’t leave. He shifts from foot-to-foot, his eyes never leaving me. I turn away from him, hurrying to my locker. I hear him following but I don’t turn around as I open my locker. I feel his presence still standing there, his cologne sweet and tangy.

Closing my locker again, notebook for Baking in hand, I turn to face him. He smiles, and I feel my knees transform to liquid, making me wobble. He reaches out to hold my arm, his touch scorching my skin. I don’t pull away, marveling again at how warm his skin is against mine. He doesn’t pull away either, his fingers lingering on my elbow. “You’re so cold…” he murmurs, and I jolt, yanking away from him.

What am I doing? Letting this human boy toy with my emotions!

I swiftly stroll around him. I hear his footsteps behind me but I don’t let up until I escape into the classroom. I breathe a sigh of relief when I spot Carmen and the others but then my spirit drops when I see that they all are seated with their partners.

Mine soon enters slightly out of breath. I don’t bother looking to see for myself; his smell is enough for me. I mentally shake myself, sitting fluidly in my seat struggling for control. I can still feel his fingers on my arm, strong yet gentle. I can still feel his eyes on me, showering me under his vibrant sapphires.

I hear his stool creak as he sits. His hands place his notebook on the table. The pencil stays entwined with his fingers, spinning lazily around in a circle. The air leaves my lungs slowly as I exhale, scanning frantically around the room for another distraction besides the boy sitting dangerously close to me.

I feel the air disrupt as he leans towards me, his lips halting near my ear. “What’s wrong?” he asks, his voice lower than a whisper. His breath is fragrant, minty from the gum he chews, and I feel my limbs start to shake as a wave of human emotions washes over me.

I stare pointedly ahead where Mr. Anderson takes attendance. “Nothing’s wrong,” I snap. His back straightens, leaving me be.

Soon, Mr. Anderson passes out recipes. He hands ours to me, and I take it, my fingers curling around the edges of the note card. “Rice Krispie Bars,” I report, and I see his head bob up and down in a nod.

“All right. Let’s get started,” he announces. I quickly set the card back down, and bend over to pull a pan out from under the table.


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Last edited by ashleylee on Sat Sep 20, 2008 12:12 am; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! The beginning of love! This story is awesome! Thank you for writing this! I'm gonna be reading more vampire romances from now on!
There were only a few grammatical errors, but still, great job!
I LOVE how you work with the reader's emotions by adding so much detail into your writing!

Oh, and about the Bonder/Bondee thing, I think you should switch them around. Because Sophia is the one who Bonded them, which would make her a Bonder. And Carmen and Nora are the ones being bonded, making them a Bondee.

I can't wait to read the next chapter!

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Abocreature:

Thanks so much! I love your reviews! Wink

And I will take your advise about the whole Bonder/Bondee thing.

I was also debating if there was any way there could be a different name going there...I don't know yet. But I just don't like those words for them. Maybe I will come up with something else....

I don't know...

Anyway, thanks again!

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 10:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Ash.

Two things. One, about how your MC asked Carmen how him and Nora were. That's a question, I feel, that you ask someone asfter they've been dating a WHILE. Those two just got together like the night before, right? So I feel that that isn't the right question for the MC to ask.

Then this:


Quote:
“I want to thank you, Sophia. I know all the things that have transpired between us but what you did yesterday.” He stops short, unable to continue.

Here's my example of how I would do this: "I know all the things that have transpired between us... but what you did yesterday..." He stops, etc. etc.

Overall, I really like it. Keep going with this.

Just one more thing: Ash, didn't I come up with the Bonder thing? In Needles and Roses, with Sudeep and Rachel, Sudeep being Rachel's BONDER? Is that where you got the idea? I'm not mad or anything, but I would have liked for you to ask/tell me or something. Maybe I'm overreacting. I dunno.

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ISAAAC!!! YAY!
So, I loved that chapter. The words bonder and bondee are a bit weird, but other that that I absolutely, completely loved it. I like how she is happy again, and that she doesn't push Isaac away as much as she did in the first chapter. WONDERFUL
-Rhiine

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 2:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alarainya and Kelsey:

Thanks so much to both of you for reviewing. It is helping me TONS AND TONS.

And kels, I am SO sorry if you think I stole that idea from you. I am going to change it as soon as I can! Confused Sorry!!!!!!!

Thanks again to both of you!

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 2:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aw I liked this chapter a lot!
Once again, nothing was wrong.

The bondee and bonder names were good!
Creative, yes.

I didn't really see anything wrong.
It deff. is not like a twilight anymore,
so that's good. a-ha.

I like Cameron's character though, aha.
Like, I wish she was with Cameron... is that wrong? d:

Anyways, yay! Good Job!

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 4:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello again! Sorry for the wait. I had a few prior engagements to make. Very Happy

Grammar and First Impressions

Quote:
He wasn’t there on the walk to school, and now, he has yet to visit my locker as he used to do daily.


Quote:
I know all the things that have transpired between us, but what you did yesterday. [dash instead] ” He stops short, unable to continue.


You could use an ellipses, but that would be "stopping short." An ellipses would mean his voice trailed off into nothing. If he stopped short, we need it to look like it by putting a dash there. The dash will indicate his speech was interrupted by lack of words. Very Happy

Quote:
“I understand,” I whisper, softly touching his cheek with my fingers.


I found this a little too intimate for my liking.

Quote:
“I wanted to talk, [no comma] without the others listening.”


Quote:
Carmen chuckles, and I laugh with him.


Quote:
“And what is so important that you have to talk to me in private about?” I wonder, tapping my chin thoughtfully.


The word just slowed down the quote. You can keep it (as it's dialogue), but I cringed. xD

Quote:
My thoughts swirl around as he talks. I couldn’t believe that Carmen was actually sharing his feelings with me. In the past, it had always been me telling him all about my secrets and desires. Now, here he was, expressing himself in front of me. I leaned unintentionally closer, eager to hear more.


He only said a couple sentences? Why would her mind be buzzing with thoughts already?

Quote:
Walter used to tell me stories about the Bonder, [no comma] and how it works.


Quote:
I had knew known about the deepest connection with one another, [dash instead] how that once you were connected with someone else, that you could almost hear their thoughts and feel their desires as if they were your own.


Quote:
But I had never know known that consenting such a connection made you a part of it.


Quote:
“So, will you stay me as my and Nora’s Bondee?”


It sounds wrong, but if you take and Nora's out, it sounds right. Very Happy

Quote:
I watch as his mouth forms the words, how How are you?. [no period

I surprise myself when I reply, mouthing back the words, good Good. You?


Though they're mouthing the words, you treat the connecting sentences as tags. It will work just like thought bubbles or dialogue.

Quote:
I wonder where he had been over winter break to get such hair.


Wait. It may have been a while since I've read the other chapters, but they were on winter break?

Quote:
My breathing is heavy, and I clutch at my chest, bewildered.


Quote:
My notebook slips towards the edge, and I reach out for it, brushing fingers with another.


Quote:
By the dark skin, I know already whom who it is, Isaac’s familiar cologne washing over me.


Quote:
I don’t dare look at him, [no comma] for fear of doing something stupid.


Quote:
I open my mouth to ask him about it, but the bell near us rings loudly near us, making us both jump.


Quote:
My cheeks cool considerably as I turn to open my locker.


I thought they just stopped randomly in the hallway. Was it really in front of her locker?

Quote:
“Rice Krispie Bars,” I report, and I see his head bob up and down in a nod.


Quote:
I quickly set the card back down, bending and bend over to pull a pan out from under the table.


Bonder/Bondee

To be blunt, yeah, it was lame. I didn't like them, but I don't know what else to call them? They will need to change, though -- especially 'cause you stole the idea from KJ? Laughing Silly girl. *pats*

*pulls out thesaurus*

Ew, there aren't very good words out there. Well, the Bonder is Nora (which I would think Sophia is the bonder, seeing as she's doing the bonding). So we need a name for the spouse. Then there's Bondee (which I think both Nora and Carmen are bondees, seeing as they're being bonded). So we need a name for 'the priest' so to speak.

The spouse: Consort, Partner, Companion, Equal
The priest: Linker...uh...

Well, all those names suck. What you could do is dig in the thesaurus until a word jumps at you. You can also search in a different language. Use an Italian word instead of English or something like that. It would sound more original if you did this. You can also just skip the names. Are the names necessary? Meh, the reader can live.

Carmen and Nora

Yeah, they're still moving too fast. It's all moving too fast, actually.

Carmen and Nora were found together, like, the day before. I know you explained the whole bonding thing, but it still irks me. And the MC didn't know about the bonding thing? I found that only the slightest awkward. They're both vampires, why didn't Sophia know?

Anyway, I think MC gave up on Carmen and Nora too soon as well. I don't even know Nora, so how can I feel good or bad about Sophia's best friends getting married? If the relationship lasted longer (even through the entire book), I wouldn't mind it. But in the first few chapters, they're getting married already. I don't much like that.

Sophia and Isaac are running at a somewhat good pace too. I liked their scene together. Sophia was a little touchy, but that was fine. You did well leading up to that part.

For a while, I liked Carmen more than Isaac, but that would be because we got to know Carmen, and not Isaac. Isaac's still a mystery yet to be solved.

Overall

It's still turning out alright. It's the pace I've been worried about and am worried about. Hopefully you'll find a way to slow this down when you come back to edit. Otherwise I'm fine.

Keep writing! Very Happy

Jabber, the One and Only!

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 7:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

JabberHut and Day tripper:

Thank you so much to both of you! I really appreciate it! Very Happy

And Jabber, I am trying to slow it down. The next few chapters coming up should really make everything smooth out...hopefully! Wink

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 7:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

To Everyone!!

Just a heads up...I changed the names "Bonder" and "Bondee" to "Blood Mate" and "Uniter".

So, hopefully you all like those better! Very Happy

Let me know what you think!

~ashley

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 10:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice! I like the name change. ^^
Better than anything I could have come up with. ^^

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Abocreature!

I'm glad you like them Very Happy

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ash - much better, and not just because you aren't using my idea anymore lol. I actually think they look and sound better.

Keep writing. ANd don't worry, I will continue to read whatever you post.

P.S. We should do something this weekend.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 2:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

KJ

Call me!!

But I have two grad parties to go to...if you want to go with?? I guess...

I have to ask...but call to remind me!

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 12:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

it's good.

I still can't get use to Nora and Carment though.

I hope You have someone in mind for sophia. good in luck the next chapter.

and thanks for helping me with mine.

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This thread was created on June 15, 2008

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