Topic ID: 31650
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Nolan
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 Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 11:19 pm Post subject: A Thousand Suns |
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The beauty of a thousand suns
Shines on their face.
Not one person runs,
Oh, 'tis no race.
All of the radiant light
Coming from the sky,
Takes away the night.
Makes them feel able to fly.
However they could,
They all got closer.
Bunched up, tight and good,
It wasn't quite over.
For the beauty of a thousand suns
Can never be taken,
Nor can the things that make us run
Ever be mistaken. |
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October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:43 am Post subject: |
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| Hmm, very interesting i think this is very good.... very good indeed. Never heard or read a poem about the sun this was very good. |
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Samsal
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:02 am Post subject: |
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| this is a very cool poem. you talked about the sun and kept me interested at the same time. good job |
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thething912
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:28 am Post subject: |
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| Interesting. |
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Sportgurl46
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 5:41 am Post subject: |
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ok, things I liked:
You don'tt exactly read a lot of poems about the sun
It was very well descripted and you show very well
Things I didn't like:
I had to read it more than twice to understand it. ( i am new so i don't know if you ant to take that into consideration.) I know that that is a hard thing to fix, but I thought that I would throw that out there.
But altogether I liked the poem. |
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zeppy♥yozora
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 5:59 pm Post subject: |
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i like the poem the only part that was kinda  was
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Not one person runs,
Oh, 'tis no race. |
the "oh tis no race" kinda threw off the flow. other wise i really liked the poem. |
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Ringo_rules987
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 6:13 pm Post subject: |
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I think you had the right idea conceptually, but those rhymes just ruined it for me. They're force, overdone, and I don't think that they are necessary at all for this poem.
You really conformed your lines to the rhymes, which is a cardinal sin of a poet. A poet is not a rhyme machine. A poet makes a statement using imagery, rhythm, and vivid descriptions.
I really think you have a strong statement to make here, and with the rhymes it takes away from the impact as opposed to helping the flow. But I'd like to point out a stanza I think needs some hardcore editing. The last one:
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For the beauty of a thousand suns
Can never be taken,
Nor can the things that make us run
Ever be mistaken. |
See the rhymes here are awful more than the rest mainly because neither of them work. In the prior stanzas it was only one of the rhymes would work. Here you have both failing. The first rhyme is just plain forced and the second you essentially rhymed the same word. Taken and mistaken.
Hope this helps. |
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Tharlam Gyatso
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 9:17 am Post subject: |
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As is the case with most poetry from the heart and a dedicated mind, I could only truly critique it should I have even a basic understanding of its underlying meaning. Where I find the flow of the words quite pretty, I do not know what they are eluding to.
A 3 out of 5 stars from me.
Cheers. |
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Fael57
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 1:24 pm Post subject: |
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| I give you a 7.5. I also agree about the last stanza. Altogether, the poem was a bit boring as well. |
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