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The method of madness
The method of madness

by melkor in Action/Adventure Fiction
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This thread was created on June 15, 2008
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Like You- Part 1 of Chapter 1 (Revised and Redone)

Like You- Chapter 1- Part 2!!!!!

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Essence of BloodLust   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 11:15 pm    Post subject: Like You- Chapter 1- Part 2!!!!! Reply with quote

(For Anyone who cares, this story won't be continued for awhile due to the fact that my files with everyone of my stories for the past like five years dissapeared. And they weren't backed up so i'll try to get back to this soon. *utter depression*)

The day continued on like any other except the excitement and promise of the later adventure. When the last period ended, Dillon practically knocked the teacher down on the way out the door as he raced to put his stuff in his locker. By the time I got out of class, he was ready to go and had already tracked down Alex.

“ So, where are we gonna meet?” he asked, practically jumping up and down.

“ Would you calm down?” I said, loading my stuff into my cluttered locker. “ I still have to make up an excuse for my mom.” That would be fairly easy. She was always so busy; she wouldn’t realize I was gone. But on the off chance that she somehow did, it was probably safer to ask.

“ Yeah, me too.” Alexandra said.

Dillon huffed. “ Well damn, I wanted to leave right now,”

“ Patience is a virtue,” I said waging my finger at him.

He rolled his eyes. “ So is getting up on time, but that doesn’t seem to stop you.”

I smacked his shoulder and we laughed.

By the time we got off the bus, we had decided to give the old school project excuse and since it was Friday, Alex reminded me, I would stay the night at her place. We were to meet up with Dillon at his place around 5:00 with all of our supplies for our 2 to 3 mile hike.

Once inside, I tracked down Mom and asked her before I got to my preparations for tonight.

“ At Alexandra Daily’s house?” she asked, one hand full of dishes and the other holding my baby brother Tristan. The little 1 year old was cooing as he chewed on his teething ring. He began to slip from where he was placed on my mother’s hip and I grabbed him from her arm.

“ Thanks,” she said, placing the dishes into the waiting dishwasher. “ So Alexandra’s house until tomorrow?”

I nodded. “ We have that stupid science project to finish.”

I winced as Tristan took a handful of my hair and yanked on it as if he was trying to pull it out.

“ Okay, but I want you to get all the laundry from upstairs and bring it down here for me.”

“ Okay,” I agreed, re situating Tristan on my hip.

I made my way upstairs, dropping him off in his playpen with his piggy on the way. I quickly grabbed the towels out of the bathroom, followed by my room, my parent’s room, and lastly, Ethan’s. I didn’t bother to knock, walking in and dragging my giant bag over to his hamper.

“ Knock much?” he remarked, jumping up to see what I was up to.

“ Mom sent me up here to get all the laundry before I left,” I answered his unspoken question.

“ Where are you going?” he asked, being noisy as usual.

“ It’s none of your business.”

He looked at me threateningly. “ I’ll tell mom your going to go meet a boy at a party.”

I glared at him. “ You would,” then sighed. “ I’m going over to Alexandra’s for the night. There happy?”

“ No,” he answered honestly. “ Who am I gonna pick on?”

“ Oh I’m sure you can find someway to entertain yourself,” I said, finishing packing up his clothes and heading for the door.

“ Hey, pigtails,” He called after me.

I turned reluctantly to see him looking at me with a serious expression.

“ Be careful,”

I gave him a puzzled look before turning and shutting the door behind me.

After running back down to hand the laundry off to mom, I made my way into my room to pack, glancing over at the clock. I had another 30 minutes or so before I had to be at Alexandra’s. I grabbed my flannel pajamas and a change of clothes, my toiletries, and CD player. My hiking gear consisted of a flashlight, water bottle, matches, rope, and bug spray. I packed it in a book bag then into my overnight bag with the rest of my stuff.

Slinging the bag over my back, I bounded out my door and down the stairs.

“ Where are you off to?” Dad stopped me on my way to the door. He had just gotten home from his work at the lumberyard.

“ To Alexandra’s. I’m staying the night.”

“Oh,” he huffed. “ Well, have a good time. And don’t get into any trouble.”

He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. “ Stay safe.” And he walked off without another word.

I almost stopped him and asked why he had asked for me to be safe as Ethan had, but a glance at the clock halted me. I dashed out the door and around the house to where my bike leaned against the garage. I jumped on it and began to pedal my way south down the street. The sky had already begun to darken, the sinister and heavy clouds blocking the setting sun. The wind blew with a chilling promise of a storm and I felt a drop of rain hit my face. I pedaled faster.

In 5 minutes, I was at Alex’s front door, knocking lightly. Her brother, David, answered.

“ Oh, hi Aurora.” He said smiling and blushing slightly.

From what Alex had told me, he had had a crush on me for a few years now.

“ Hey, David, you gonna let me in?” I asked as the wind blew harder against me. The chill pierced my skin.

“ Oh, yeah, sorry,” he said blushing more but moving aside to let me in.

“ Thanks,”

The Daily’s house was a very bright place to say the least. The carpet and walls were all in vivid colors and since I was little, it had always reminded me off a fun house. Something Alex had always hated and rebelled against. Since she was little, she had been in favor of the darker side of things. She wasn’t what you would call Gothic or depressed, in fact she was quite the opposite, she just liked things dark. Her room was done in all black, as was her wardrobe. When she was younger, her parents had tried to talk her out of such things, insisting that it was just a phase and that one-day she would tire of it. It turned out to be one long phase, lasting 10 years and still going.

“ Um, Alex is in her room,” David said, fidgeting.

I nodded and descended the staircase to the left of the door. When I got to the top, turned right, and stopped outside the door with the ‘Beware of Dog’ sign on it, I could hear a conversation from inside. I paused and listened intently, not wanting to interrupt. But I soon realized that she was planning for the weather with Dillon and I proceeded to knock on the door.

“ Come in,”

I walked into the room, seeing her sitting on the bed, legs crossed, and painting her nails, in black of course.

“ Yeah, Aurora just got here. No, I don’t think so either. My parents don’t really care where I go as long as I’m back by morning. They trust me,” Alexandra explained.

Another reason I loved going over to her place. Her parents were the type that believed in the free spirit of adventure. So naturally Alex and me had been many places that my parents would have never allowed would they have known. Thank god they were still oblivious.

“ Yeah, we’ll be over in a few. Okay, over and out,” and she hung up the phone looking over at me. “ I’m actually starting to get pretty psyched about this aren’t you?”

I nodded. “ It’s a good mystery to keep us occupied.” I chuckled. “ That is if we’re not mauled by a bear first.”

She glared at me. “ Enough of your teasing. Do you want to grab something to eat for when we get up there?”

“ Sure,”

We packed up on peanut butter and crackers and vitamin water before suiting up in our rain jackets and boots and heading down the stairs with our backpacks.

“ Hey, David,” Alex called from the doorway.

“ Yeah,” he answered, popping his head around the corner from the living room.

“ If mom and dad ask where I am, tell them I went over to Dillon’s okay?”

He nodded.

We left the house on our bikes at 20 till 5:00 and got to Dillon’s at 4:49.

“ Well your early,” he said, greeting us and taking us around back to where his yard opened into the miles of forest we would be trekking through.

“ Where are your parents?” I asked, noticing that their car was nowhere to be seen.

“ This is the summer home, remember? Besides they’re on a business trip, I’m here by myself for a week,” he said, almost resentful.

Alex and me left our bikes at his house and followed him into the thick woodland. It wasn’t so bad the fist mile or so but the farther we got in, the thicker the tree roots and undergrowth got, making it harder to walk.

“ Do you know where your going?” I asked, agitatedly swatting a bug away.

“ Of course,”

The sky overhead was darkening fast and it wasn’t long before we had to turn on our flashlights. The moon offered a little light for our journey but not enough to comfort me. The breeze stirred around us and I got that eerie feeling of being watched. The bushes shook wherever I turned it seemed, and I was growing more paranoid by the second. I was about to voice my concern when Dillon exclaimed.

“ There it is!”

Alex and me came to gather around where his flashlight shone in front of him. There were dried pools of red staining the earth and prints that created a path farther in front of us.

“ Wow,” I breathed, examining the prints. They looked like they belonged to human feet.

“ Footprints,” Alex breathed, coming to the same conclusion.

“ That’s what I thought,” Dillon said as he began to follow the path ahead.

“ Umm maybe we should call for help or something,” Alex suggested.

Dillon shook his head. “ You know how long it would take them? Plus they probably would think we were prank calling.” He shifted uncomfortably. “ And I’m not sure I can find this place again.”

We stared at him in disbelief. “ You mean you were just guessing where it was?’ I asked incredulous. “ Do you even know the way back?”

He looked down at his feet. “It can’t be that hard to find.”

“Uhhh!” I groaned.

But I wouldn’t get another chance to tell him off because at that moment, the wind blew with a force that made me throw my hands over my face to protect my stinging eyes. I struggled to find something to grab on to when some unseen force knocked out my feet from under me, sending me to the ground. My face hit the ground so hard, my eyes went temporarily black and I was only half conscious when the ground began to slide under me. It wasn’t long before I realized I was being dragged away from where wind still swirled dangerously. I could feel lethargy overcome me. The last thing that registered in my mind before I fell into the abyss of sleep was the blood that stained the ground under me.


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Last edited by Essence of BloodLust on Tue Aug 05, 2008 4:13 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The day continued on like any other except the excitement and promise of the later adventure. This sentence is very awkward try something like "The day continued on like any other, but the excitement and promise of the later adventure made it hard for me to focus". When the last period ended, Dillon practically knocked the teacher down on the way out the door as he raced to put his stuff in his locker. By the time I got out of class, he was ready to go and had already tracked down Alex. This seems a little unrealistic, I think that it would take a lot longer for him to put his things in his locker and find Alex than it would take her to get out of a clssroom. Maybe have her come to his locker while he's putting his things away and Alex is there with him and then they go to her locker.

“ So, where are we gonna meet?” he asked, practically jumping up and down.

“ Would you calm down?” I said, loading my stuff into my cluttered locker. “ I still have to make up an excuse for my mom.” That would be fairly easy. She was always so busy; she wouldn’t realize I was gone. But on the off chance that she somehow did, it was probably safer to ask.

“ Yeah, me too.” Alexandra said.

Dillon huffed. “ Well damn, I wanted to leave right now,” If he wanted to leave right away then why would he ask where they would meet? They wouldn't need to meet anywhere.

“ Patience is a virtue,” I said waging wagging my finger at him.

He rolled his eyes. “ So is getting up on time, but that doesn’t seem to stop you.”

I smacked his shoulder and we laughed. Laughed at what, his pain or her not getting up on time?

By the time we got off the bus, we had decided to give the old school project excuse to our parents and since it was Friday, Alex reminded me, I would stay the night at her place. We were to meet up with Dillon at his place around 5:00 with all of our supplies for our 2 to 3 mile hike. How do they know it will take that long? If it's at a certain area then explain where it is they're going to look.

Once inside, I tracked down Mom and asked her before I got to my preparations for tonight.

“ At Alexandra Daily’s house?” she asked, with one hand full of dishes and the other holding my baby brother Tristan. The little 1 year old was cooing as he chewed on his teething ring. What's that? Do you mean a pacifier? He began to slip from where he was placed on my mother’s hip and I grabbed him from her arm.

“ Thanks,” she said, placing the dishes into the waiting dishwasher. “ So Alexandra’s house until tomorrow?”

I nodded. “ We have that stupid science project to finish.”

I winced as Tristan took a handful of my hair and yanked on it as if he was trying to pull it out.

“ Okay, but I want you to get all the things that need to go in the laundry from upstairs and bring it down here for me.”

“ Okay,” I agreed, re-situating Tristan on my hip.

I made my way upstairs, dropping him off in his playpen with his piggy Is it a stuffed animal? Explain. on the way. I quickly grabbed the towels out of the bathroom, followed by my room, my parent’s room, and lastly, Ethan’s. I didn’t bother to knock, walking in and dragging my giant bag over to his hamper. The way you word it makes it seem like she's just grabbing towels, say something like she picked up the dirty socks off her floor.

“ Knock much?” he remarked, jumping up to see what I was up to.

“ Mom sent me up here to get all the laundry before I left,” I answered his unspoken question.

“ Where are you going?” he asked, being noisy as usual. How is he being noisy, is his voice raising?

“ It’s none of your business.”

He looked at me threateningly. “ I’ll tell mom your going to go meet a boy at a party.”

I glared at him. “ You would,” then sighed. “ I’m going over to Alexandra’s for the night. There happy?”

“ No,” he answered honestly. “ Who am I gonna pick on?”

“ Oh I’m sure you can find someway to entertain yourself,” I said, finishing packing up his clothes and heading for the door.

“ Hey, pigtails,” He called after me.

I turned reluctantly to see him looking at me with a serious expression.

“ Be careful,”

I gave him a puzzled look before turning and shutting the door behind me. Explain her feelings at his concern.

After running back down to hand the laundry off to mom, you said she has a giant bag, show that it's difficult to take down like "After lugging the bag downstairs to hand to my mom" I made my way into my room to pack, glancing over at the clock. I had another 30 minutes or so before I had to be at Alexandra’s. I grabbed my flannel pajamas and a change of clothes, my toiletries, and CD player. My hiking gear consisted of a flashlight, water bottle, matches, rope, and bug spray. I packed it in a book bag then into my overnight bag with the rest of my stuff.

Slinging the bag over my back, I bounded out my door and down the stairs.

“ Where are you off to?” Dad stopped me on my way to the door. He had just gotten home from his work at the lumberyard.

“ To Alexandra’s. I’m staying the night.”

“Oh,” he huffed. “ Well, have a good time. And don’t get into any trouble.”

He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. “ Stay safe.” And he walked off without another word.

I almost stopped him and asked why he had asked for me to be safe as Ethan had, but a glance at the clock halted me. I dashed out the door and around the house to where my bike leaned against the garage. I jumped on it and began to pedal my way south down the street. The sky had already begun to darken, the sinister and heavy clouds blocking the setting sun. The wind blew with a chilling promise of a storm and I felt a drop of rain hit my face. I pedaled faster.

In 5 minutes, I was at Alex’s front door, knocking lightly. Her brother, David, answered.

“ Oh, hi Aurora.” He said smiling and blushing slightly.

From what Alex had told me, he had had a crush on me for a few years now.

“ Hey, David, you gonna let me in?” I asked as the wind blew harder against me. The chill pierced my skin.

“ Oh, yeah, sorry,” he said blushing more but moving aside to let me in.

“ Thanks,”

The Daily’s house was a very bright place, to say the least. The carpet and walls were all in vivid colors and ever since I was little, it had always reminded me off a fun house. Something Alex had always hated and rebelled against. Since she was little, she had been in favor of the darker side of things. She wasn’t what you would call Gothic or depressed, in fact she was quite the opposite, she just liked things dark. Her room was done in all black, as was her wardrobe. When she was younger, her parents had tried to talk her out of such things, insisting that it was just a phase and that one-day she would tire of it. Why would they tell her it was just a phase? Have it so that they say that to other people or something. It turned out to be one long phase, lasting 10 years and still going.

“ Um, Alex is in her room,” David said, fidgeting.

I nodded and descended ascended the staircase to the left of the door. When I got to the top, turned right, and stopped outside the door with the ‘Beware of Dog’ sign on it, I could hear a conversation from inside. I paused and listened intently, not wanting to interrupt. But I soon realized that she was planning for the weather with Dillon and I proceeded to knock on the door.

“ Come in,”

I walked into the room, seeing her sitting on the bed, legs crossed, and painting her nails, in black of course. Her cell-phone was held between her ear and shoulder.

“ Yeah, Aurora just got here. No, I don’t think so either. My parents don’t really care where I go as long as I’m back by morning. They trust me,” Alexandra explained.

Another reason I loved going over to her place. Her parents were the type that believed in the free spirit of adventure. So naturally Alex and me had been many places that my parents would have never allowed would they have known. Thank god they were still oblivious. Where would they go? Explain.

“ Yeah, we’ll be over in a few. Okay, over and out,” and she hung up the phone looking over at me. “ I’m actually starting to get pretty psyched about this aren’t you?”

I nodded. “ It’s a good mystery to keep us occupied.” I chuckled. “ That is if we’re not mauled by a bear first.”

She glared at me. “ Enough of your teasing. Do you want to grab something to eat for when we get up there?”

“ Sure,”

We packed up on peanut butter and crackers and vitamin water before suiting up in our rain jackets and boots and heading down the stairs with our backpacks.

“ Hey, David,” Alex called from the doorway.

“ Yeah,” he answered, popping his head around the corner from the living room.

“ If mom and dad ask where I am, tell them I went over to Dillon’s okay?”

He nodded.

We left the house on our bikes at 20 till 5:00 and got to Dillon’s at 4:49.

“ Well, your early,” he said, greeting us and taking us around back to where his yard opened into the miles of forest we would be trekking through.

“ Where are your parents?” I asked, noticing that their car was nowhere to be seen.

“ This is the summer home, remember? Besides they’re on a business trip, I’m here by myself for a week,” he said, almost resentful.

Alex and me I left our bikes at his house and followed him into the thick woodland. It wasn’t so bad the fist first mile or so but the farther we got in, the thicker the tree roots and undergrowth got, making it harder to walk.

“ Do you know where your going?” I asked, agitatedly swatting a bug away.

“ Of course,”

The sky overhead was darkening fast and it wasn’t long before we had to turn on our flashlights. The moon offered a little light for our journey but not enough to comfort me. The breeze stirred around us and I got that eerie feeling of being watched. It seemed like the bushes shook wherever I turned it seemed, and I was growing more paranoid by the second. I was about to voice my concern when Dillon exclaimed.

“ There it is!”

Alex and me came to gather around where his flashlight shone in front of him. There were dried pools of red staining the earth and prints that created a path farther in front of us.

“ Wow,” I breathed, examining the prints. They looked like they belonged to human feet.

“ Footprints,” Alex breathed, coming to the same conclusion.

“ That’s what I thought,” Dillon said as he began to follow the path ahead.

“ Umm maybe we should call for help or something,” Alex suggested.

Dillon shook his head. “ You know how long it would take them? Plus they probably would think we were prank calling.” He shifted uncomfortably. “ And I’m not sure I can find this place again.”

We stared at him in disbelief. “ You mean you were just guessing where it was?’ I asked incredulous. “ Do you even know the way back?”

He looked down at his feet. “It can’t be that hard to find.”

“Uggghhh!” I groaned.

But I wouldn’t get another chance to tell him off because at that moment, the wind blew with a force that made me throw my hands over my face to protect my stinging eyes. I struggled to find something to grab on to when some unseen force knocked out my feet from under me, sending me to the ground. My face hit the ground so hard, my eyes went temporarily black and I was only half conscious when the ground began to slide under me. It wasn’t long before I realized I was being dragged away from where wind still swirled dangerously. I could feel lethargy overcome me. The last thing that registered in my mind before I fell into the abyss of sleep was the blood that stained the ground under me.


Excellent job! You definitely have a talent! I especially like the ending.

PM me when you have more,
-Onceuponatim3xo

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 5:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Once got most of the nitpicks, and so I will quickly over-view the story...

It was certainly good, if not a little too obvious that it's spiralling into a vamp complexical helix. (My term for stories that are turning vampirish)
The characters aren't cliche so far, and I like the plot. Oh, and there's just one other thing. OnceUAT keeps telling you to explain certain things, and... well, not that I'm trying to undermine her, but you really don't need to explain everything. I'll give you an example.

'So naturally Alex and me had been many places that my parents would have never allowed would they have known. Thank god they were still oblivious. (Where would they go? Explain). '

THAT - doesn't really need to be explained. It could be expanded upon later in the story if needed, but at this point, 'tis fine as is.

I wish ye good luck, and hope you'll write more soon! - Youz havva talentes!

-SELA

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