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This thread was created on June 15, 2008
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A Foggy Glass
Topic ID: 31643
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Krupp
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 Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 8:25 pm Post subject: A Foggy Glass |
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Another novel of mine that I'm working on...this is the first two chapters. It tells the story of a different America in the future, in which the USA has been divided into several different territories belonging to councils called Circles.
At any rate, I really would rather not give up much more of the plot than I already have; the story pretty much reveals all as you go along...
I'd really appreciate any kind of critiquing for this one. |
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xxfourthelement
Senior Writer
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked the story. It had a good start.
The biggest thing I wanted to point out is the dialogue. You don't seem to have given anybody specific vocabularies or dialects. Think those things out. I pointed out a few places where it really made the flags go up.
Besides that, most of my in-red things were cross-outs of unnecessary words or changes to make the sentence read less awkwardly.
I hope this crit is helpful! |
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colourless-rainbow
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 1:14 pm Post subject: |
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Wow.
I really liked that.
I think it got stronger as you got further into chapter one and two.
You maybe need to re-read the start of chapter one and tighten it up a bit, because it's weaker than the rest.
But, overall, it was really good.
I feel that maybe, at the dinner party, you need to have fewer characters. I know they all need to be there (because theyre part of the family) but I was having to scroll back up and check who people were when they spoke. Perhaps have fewer characters being specifically referred to over the course of the conversation or something. |
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| This thread was created on June 15, 2008 |
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