Topic ID: 31626
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Nolan
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 94
Reviews: 44
Country: Above Heaven;Below Hell
330 Points
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 Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 6:14 am Post subject: Of Our Fellow Men |
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Do you ever feel
Like you're the only person alive
Caught in a lie
That you can't trap
That just goes on and on
And on and on for the rest
Of eternity until everything
We know comes to an end
And the universe
Implodes upon itself
Because it's not able
To support the hatred
That we all carry
Upon our shoulders every single day
We all want love
Yet we worship hate and
Pray for death
Under the guise of a
Human concerned for the rest
Of our fellow man
When all we really want
Is just more and more
And more and more for
Ourselves. |
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Ringo_rules987
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
Posts: 102
Reviews: 61
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 2:20 pm Post subject: |
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This is a decent first poem. I liked it, mainly because that's my primary style of poetry. My problem is your lack of imagery, you basically made one very powerful statement, but you need to make a powerful statement poetic without making your readers feel lost in the dark. Robert Frost is the king at balancing those two elements in my opinion.
This is good, though, and aside from the lack of imagery, your rhythm was technically spot on, so kudos for that. Your beginning grabbed my attention as well, so good job there too.
There was a section of the poem I really enjoyed.
| Quote: |
Yet we worship hate and
Pray for death
Under the guise of a
Human concerned for the rest |
Another thing, please punctuate your poetry, it gives it such a bigger impact.
Oh, and please write two reviews on another person's work before you post something of your own. |
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Krupp
Novelist
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Age: 20
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 380
Reviews: 97
Country: Sunn O))) territory...
474 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 8:11 pm Post subject: |
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This isn't a bad piece, but I think maybe the pace should be changed a bit. When I was reading it I was fumbling over the lines, trying to read it aloud.
Maybe the punctuation would've cleared things up as well. That's something you ought to take a look at anyway. |
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Jack Frost
Novice
Age: 19
Joined: 27 Jan 2008
Posts: 11
Reviews: 5
Country: Arcadia
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:04 am Post subject: |
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theres some nice lines but overall it does lack some imagery to help your ideas flourish. Still, the lines,
"Yet we worship hate and
Pray for death
Under the guise of a
Human concerned for the rest",
work really well together and if the other lines had the same impact and style as the rest of the poem then it would turn out very good |
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"Mama's in the factory, she ain't got no shoes
Daddy's in the alley, he's lookin' for the fuse
I'm in the streets with the tombstone blues" |
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Nolan
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 94
Reviews: 44
Country: Above Heaven;Below Hell
330 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:07 am Post subject: |
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Thanks, to all of you.
I love the criticism.
Jack Frost: I love your quote. Tom Waits is the man. |
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"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
-Nolan Logan |
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Sapphire
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 233
Reviews: 140
350 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:03 pm Post subject: |
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I think the main points have already been covered.
To think about:
- I'll add to the call for punctuation because it made the poem difficult to read at times. The reader needs to breathe! 
- One bit I didn't really understand was:
| Quote: |
Caught in a lie
That you can't trap
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It doesn't make sense to me, but I could be missing the obvious. 
- You could look for an alternative image to 'That we all carry/Upon our shoulders every single day' because the idea is a little over-used. However, I did like the section previous to it ('the universe/Implodes upon itself/Because it's not able/To support the hatred').
The positive:
- The theme.
- You used repetition well.
- I think the best section has already been picked out by previous reviewers.
Hope some of these comments help! |
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Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical |
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phirebug
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 22
Joined: 17 Jun 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 8
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 5:15 pm Post subject: |
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I really enjoyed the fact that it seemed like floating in the dark... like thoughts that come to you as you're falling asleep. I think the style flows well and I didn't have a problem pausing at the end of each line. I really think it's just fine the way it is. But, if I absolutely had to criticize something about it, I would have to say I found the part where you said-
"That just goes on and on
And on and on for the rest"
felt a tiny bit tedious. if it was cut out one "and on" it would be a little bit more compelling. Overall I thought it was really awesome and I think you are definitely a deep and heartfelt writer. |
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