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This thread was created on June 14, 2008
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Welcoming Freedom Chapter 1
Welcoming Freedom Chapter 2
Welcoming Freedom Chapter 3
Welcoming Freedom Chapter 5

Welcoming Freedom Chapter 4

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writ3rindisguis3   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 1:15 am    Post subject: Welcoming Freedom Chapter 4 Reply with quote

Chapter 4

Redeemer

Something smacked against the creature on top of me. Her teeth jerked out of my skin as she flew backwards. Snarling erupted in the distance.

A fire was coursing through my veins. My vision was blurred and I could hear my heart racing. The pain of my back and arms was taken over by the scorching. I cried out and tried to grab hold of something.

Two cold arms turned me over and I jerked back in terror. The fire spread even more. I gasped in pain. “Calm down. It’ll be alright.” A soft voice called to me. My eyes snapped open and a worried looking man crouched before me. “It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you.” He said, topaz eyes boring into mine. I tried to say something back but the fire overwhelmed me and blackness covered my eyes.

I awoke, screeching in pain. The fire was crawling its way to my heart. My body tingled all over and it felt like pins were poking me. My heart throbbed hard against my chest, working to keep me alive.

I thrashed about, scratching at my chest to stop the pain. A cold hand pulled my arm away and forced it down. I whimpered and cried out as the fire made its way to my heart. “Everything is going to be fine. Breathe.” A distant voice called out to me. I tried my best to calm down.

The fire suddenly stopped. I braced myself for more pain, but nothing happened. Slowly, each of my eyes opened. I sat up quickly and gasped at the sight in front of me.

The room in front of me was huge. Gold and crimson wallpaper covered the wall. The bed I was sitting in was soft and my body sank into it. On the walls, pictures of cities and people cluttered all the space. Two giant bookshelves stood on either side of the room, filled with thick volumes.

The door creaked open slightly, and a blonde head peeked in. I recognized the blonde as the man who picked me up. He smiled at me and stepped in. I was wary of him.

“Hello, I’m Carlisle.” He said as he sat down in a chair. His topaz eyes seemed darker today, unless it was just my imagination. “Um…Hi.” I said back.

I noticed an absence in my chest. I placed my hand where my heart is and felt nothing. I gasped and started hyperventilating. “H-h-how am I not dead? My heart isn’t beating.” I started freaking out. Carlisle looked at me sadly. “I don’t really want to tell you this…” he took a deep breath and continued. “Have you ever heard of vampires?” He asked. I look at him confused. “Yes, I’ve heard of them. But I thought they were only fairytales. My mother used to read me stories about them.” Carlisle smiled a little and averted his eyes.

“Well…They aren’t just fairytales. The woman that attacked you three nights ago was a vampire.” My eyes widened. “But…How does this have anything to do with me?” I questioned. He looked back up at me. He hesitated then said, “You have turned into one.” My mouth dropped open in shock. “But-but…But that’s impossible. How can I be one…?” I trailed off. Carlisle looked up at the ceiling. “I have a theory about turning into a vampire…A vampire bites a human, but doesn’t drink all the blood. It let’s the venom change the human. That is what I think happened to you.” I was still confused about all of this.

“I was on my way back home from the hospital, when I heard you screaming. I rushed over and saw that vampire drinking from you. I could see that you were about to pass out when I tore the creature from you and fought with her. She got away, but she won’t be back.” Carlisle said. Wow, he saved my life. I was speechless and stared at him in shock.

“How can you be around humans? You said you worked at the hospital. Doesn’t their blood affect you?” I suddenly asked. He smile and answered “I have spent years trying to maintain self control. Since the early 1600’s I believe.” “That’s a long time.” I said. He grinned, “It is.”


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Antares   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 5:09 pm    Post subject: Re: Welcoming Freedom Chapter 4 Reply with quote

writ3rindisguis3 wrote:
Chapter 4

Redeemer


Something smacked against the creature on top of me. Her teeth jerked out of my skin as she flew backwards. Snarling erupted in the distance.

A fire was coursing through my veins. My vision was blurred and I could hear my heart racing. The pain of my back and arms was taken over by the scorching. I cried out and tried to grab hold of something.

Two cold arms turned me over and I jerked back in terror. The fire spread even more. I gasped in pain. “Calm down. It’ll be alright.,a soft voice called to me. My eyes snapped open and a worried looking man crouched before me. “It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you.,he said, topaz eyes boring into mine. I tried to say something back but the fire overwhelmed me and blackness covered my eyes.

I awoke, screeching in pain. I don't think screeching is the right word here. How about moaning? Or writhing even? The fire was crawling its way to my heart. My body tingled Bad word choice here. I can't think of a good word but tingled does not have connotations of unwavering agony like you need here all over and it felt like pins were poking me. My heart throbbed hard against my chest, working overtime to keep me alive.

I thrashed about, scratching at my chest to stop the pain. A cold hand pulled my arm away and forced it down. I whimpered and cried out as the fire made its way to my heart. “Everything is going to be fine. Breathe.,a distant voice called out to me. I tried my best to calm down.

The fire suddenly stopped. I braced myself for more pain, but nothing happened. Slowly, each of my eyes opened. I sat up quickly and gasped at the sight in front of me.

The room in front of me was huge. Gold and crimson wallpaper covered the wall. The bed I was sitting on was soft and my body sank into it. On the walls, pictures of cities and people cluttered all the space. Two giant bookshelves stood on either side of the room, filled with thick volumes.
The door creaked open slightly, and a blonde head Blonde head? peeked in. I recognized the blonde as the man who picked me up. He smiled at me and stepped in. I was wary of him.

“Hello, I’m Carlisle.,he said as he sat down in a chair. His topaz eyes seemed darker today, unless it was just my imagination. “Um…Hi.,” I said back. She's wary of him and yet still speaks to him?

I noticed an absence in my chest. I placed my hand where my heart was and felt nothing. I gasped and started hyperventilating. A vampire hyperventilating? “H-h-how am I not dead? My heart isn’t beating.” I started freaking out. Carlisle looked at me sadly. “I don’t really want to tell you this…” he took a deep breath and continued. “Have you ever heard of vampires?” he asked. I look at him confused. “Yes, I’ve heard of them. But I thought they were only fairytales myths. My mother used to read me stories about them.” Carlisle smiled a little and averted his eyes. Sounds like one evil mum. There aren't many vampire stories out there with nice vampires are there? I don't even know why you have this part anyway. Why not just continue with the whole 'you're a vampire' part without the explanation on how she knows about them. Most people know about them anyway so he's unlikely to ask if she's heard of them.

“Well…They aren’t just fairytales myths. The woman that attacked you three nights ago was a vampire.” My eyes widened.
-
“But…How does this have anything to do with me?” I questioned. He looked back up at me. He hesitated then said, “you have turned into one.” My mouth dropped open in shock. “But-but…But that’s impossible. How can I be one…?” I trailed off. Carlisle looked up at the ceiling. “I have a theory about turning into a vampire…A vampire bites a human, but doesn’t drink all the blood. It let's the venom change the human. That is what I think happened to you.” I was still confused about all of this.

“I was on my way back home from the hospital, when I heard you screaming. I rushed over and saw that vampire drinking from you. I could see that you were about to pass out when I tore the creature from you and fought with her. She got away, but she won’t be back.” Carlisle said. Wow, he saved my life. She's technically dead. I was speechless and stared at him in shock.

“How can you be around humans? You said you worked at the hospital. Doesn’t their blood affect you?” I suddenly asked. He smile and answered “I have spent years trying to maintain self control. Since the early 1600’s I believe.”
-
“That’s a long time.,” I said.

He grinned, “It is.”


I don't believe it. There is not enough conflict in this story. She believes everything Carlisle says (who not long before she was 'wary' off) and acts barely shocked by the news. Yes, you have to show not tell.

Where is the denial, anger, disbelief, shock, sadness?

I think you need to work on your characters. Make them more believable. I know it's fan fiction so you don't create the characters but you've still got to keep them in character. Help the reader believe in them and feel for them.

Good luck and PM me for anything if you like.

Very Happy
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