Topic ID: 3161
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 3157
Reviews: 437
Country: I wish I knew...
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 6:24 pm Post subject: Voices |
 |
|
Removed by the author for purposes of publication.
I apologize for the inconvenience. |
Last edited by Duskglimmer on Mon Jan 08, 2007 3:59 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Buscador!
The Searcher
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 21
Joined: 23 Dec 2004
Posts: 3291
Reviews: 508
Country: Somewhere between the second and third circle of hell, I'm sure.
65 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 6:32 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Dusky.....jeez this was good to read--it totally reflects me, even though I know it's not...
I really liked this. Alot.
I have but one nit-pick--I didn't notice much a of a character difference between the four voices...perhaps if you better defined them with a specific emotion/ outlook it would be more efficient? Maybe i'm just not reading it correctly...
In anycase, I really enjoyed this. Great job. |
_________________
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 3157
Reviews: 437
Country: I wish I knew...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 6:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks. I was hoping that I did a good job on it, but it as sort of hard to write, considering that I'm the Jen character in real life.
I thought about naming the voices. Like One would have been "Common Sense", Two would have been "Furious", Three would have been "Head Over Heels", and Four would have been "Memory". Would that work better? Or should I just try to redo some of the dialouge to make things a little clearer? |
_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Meshugenah
kicking plot into submission
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 06 Dec 2004
Posts: 2885
Reviews: 346
Country: Essayville.
663 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 6:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I like this. Little bit of a gollum thing going on, but which of us doesn't have a few voices in our heads arguing? |
_________________
***Under the Responsibility of S.P.E.W.***
(Sadistic Perplexion of Everyone's Wits)
@(^_^)@ Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Buscador!
The Searcher
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 23 Dec 2004
Posts: 3291
Reviews: 508
Country: Somewhere between the second and third circle of hell, I'm sure.
65 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 6:37 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Actually I like the numbers. Generic, yet interesting. If you just change the dialogue and the WAY they do things, like stompin around for Two instead of walking around....you know? |
_________________
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 3157
Reviews: 437
Country: I wish I knew...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 6:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Okay. I'll work on that and see if I can't revise it a little. |
_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 14 Feb 2005
Posts: 4832
Reviews: 698
Country: no, not really. I don't have a hick accent or anything.
318 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 7:45 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Good Lord, Dusky. No wonder you won "Best Writer"!!
This was incredible. I loved it... it was clever, creative, evocative.
Man.
Maybe you could tweak it a bit to make the personalities of the voices a bit more defined. Other than that, I adored it. Fan-tab-u-lus. |
_________________
Got YWS?
"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie |
|
| Back to top |
|
Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 3157
Reviews: 437
Country: I wish I knew...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 8:19 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| *laughs and blushes* thanks... tweaking is under way... |
_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kilty
Senior Writer
Age: 23
Joined: 21 Jun 2005
Posts: 121
Reviews: 40
Country: Ireland
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 4:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
| This is a great story. I like how you personified different parts of the brain. It's really imaginative! I do suggest giving each one a more distinct personality, so that through their differences you can see how they work together--I dunno. It is an interesting concept. Anyway, great story. Is there more to it? |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
lon_205
Writer
Age: 21
Joined: 07 May 2005
Posts: 55
Reviews: 21
Country: Scotland
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 12:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
That was really original and enjoyable. I liked the way you portrayed the different sides you were feeling, something we've all felt. Great job  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 3157
Reviews: 437
Country: I wish I knew...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 11:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks to both of you.
| Kilty wrote: |
| Is there more to it? |
Not at this time. The main character (Kate), is giving me some trouble because of just how emotional this topic is for me. I wrote it to try and figure out what this other girl was thinking, so Kate is not really me. Although, the more I'm sitting here and thinking about this, I think it might be fun to do a little more. Maybe in a different place, little different situation.
I'll think about it. If other people would be interested in reading more, it may become more probable. |
_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
|
| Back to top |
|
DarkerSarah
Guardian of Grammar
Member of the Month
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 03 Jan 2005
Posts: 601
Reviews: 137
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2005 4:59 pm Post subject: |
|
|
A little too emo and reminiscent of Gollum for my taste, but very well written. I'm not sure if you changed it around since Hunter's post, but I could clearly tell which number was which emotion. That seems like it would be difficult. It's also very keen to real, natural teenage emotions.
The end was strong, but the dialogue you gave the guy was weak. It held no emotion, and I don't think three was prominent enough when he spoke to Kate. I mean, obviously all of the emotions would be strong, but it seems to me (this is just a personal opinion, of course) that three would try to be a little more forceful.
Wow! You must have done a better job than I first thought, since I'm getting so into the emotions and the numbers.
-Sarah |
_________________
"And I am a writer
writer of fiction
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones...
Let me go if you don't love me" ~The Decembrists "Engine Driver" |
|
| Back to top |
|
LiNdSeYo7
Senior Writer
Age: 20
Joined: 26 Nov 2004
Posts: 122
Reviews: 56
Country: Toledo, Ohio
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 6:49 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Ohhhhh I loved the idea! Nice job.. |
_________________
<3 Lindsey |
|
| Back to top |
|
Crysi
Cold and Fragile
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 16 Nov 2004
Posts: 4362
Reviews: 572
Country: California Crew, yo.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 7:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
...Wow. I love this. So much. If ever you want to see the chaos that constantly goes on in my mind, this definitely shows it. Although my chaos is usually with two, maybe three voices. Not four.
I hope you write more. This was really great! |
_________________
[Prokaryote] 8:00 pm: awwwww we love you too Crysis. but we hate your satanic WoW rituals |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 3157
Reviews: 437
Country: I wish I knew...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2005 12:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Thanks! I've got a sequel in the works right now... |
_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
