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Monki
needs to write! Nag me, please!
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 Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 7:46 pm Post subject: A Poem for Mandy--A Past Teacher and a Forever Friend |
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I took this poem down because some people can't handle this and are taking this the wrong way. I've asked for it to be taken down. Please and thanks. |
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Last edited by Monki on Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:17 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 3:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hello, monki!
This was a sweet poem. Just the typical have-a-good-life-after-I've-left poem for a teacher, which it seems to be. Being a poem like that, the tellingness doesn't really matter, but if you'd like to make this into something deeper, you should be more showing.
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You haven't known us for long,
Yet it feels like forever, end the sentence here
I wish that time would just stop,
So we could all stay together. |
A little cliché, but okay.
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As past students left,
And new students took their place,
You realized that you loved us,
That parting ways would be hard to face. |
The flow isn't really there. It feels kind of strange that you say "You realized..." because how can you really know what the other one thinks? I'm sure she did realize that, but it's odd to say it like that.
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We became so attached, that, delete both commas
Leaving you would be very difficult to do. very difficult or a very difficult thing to do would read better
It seemed almost impossible, nix the comma
That we were leaving you. |
Overall, this is a bit cliché, but it will certainly warm Mandy's heart. The second to last stanza is my favourite. It flows well, I think. Keep up!
See you around!
Demeter xx |
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Icaruss
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 6:52 pm Post subject: |
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Random Thought #85: Does it make me deranged to think that this may be inappropiate? Teachers and students, man. It's just hard for me to think about any relationship in an asexual way. OK. Enough about that. I'm creeping you out.
I rarely review poetry because I rarely write it. Sure, some times, after hours of listening to Bob Dylan, I'll write a few verses, but I don't think I'm very good and I don't particularly enjoy it, either. Anyways, this was... pleasant. It didn't make me feel fuzzy inside and I doubt that I'll remember it in a few weeks, but as I was reading it I enjoyed it. It was cute. Made me think dirty thoughts, but it was one of those poems where you know what the guy who's talking means, you know? We've all had teachers who we like, and when the end of the year comes, it's always sad to realize that you may never be in a class with him again. Does that mean you'll stop talking to him? That he'll stop being your friend? Sometimes. Not always. You really do transmit your love (ugh) for him, and the reader can tell that you plan on staying friends with him.
Nitpicks:
"As past students left,
And new students took their place,
You realized that you loved us,
That parting ways would be hard to face."
Get rid of the "new students", maybe replace it with "new ones" or something like that. All in all, this doesn't flow very well. And even though the last part is supposed to rhyme... It kinda doesn't. Doesn't sound good. Should sound funkier.
"I didn't think I'd get over it,
I was a huge mess.
I cried and cried, day after day,
Each day, a little less."
Huge mess? Doesn't sound good. "I was mess" would be enough. Huge mess sounds terrible. |
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Monki
needs to write! Nag me, please!
Speaker of the Forum
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:09 pm Post subject: |
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WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, WOAH.
Don't think like that. She's like a really good friend to me now. She was my teacher, kay? And now, she's like one of my really good friends. Since she's older than me, she gives me advice about guys, when I'm upset she tries to make me feel better, she's like... a second mom to me. So, please--that just made me want to puke. That sickened the hell out of me. Ugh. That just plain nasty. She's a woman, I'm a girl. It's like a mother-daughter relationship, although she's not my mother, obviously, but she's kind of become one to me when I need someone other than my biological mother to talk to.
Other than that, thank you for the review. I'll edit it sooner or later.
Peace, <3, Respect,
~Monki |
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http://missamonki.wordpress.com/
Also, clicky-clicky here ^ ^: |
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Icaruss
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:17 pm Post subject: |
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| She's a woman. Oh. |
_________________
All you little girls, settin' out that line,
I can make love to you, woman, in five seconds time.
Ain't that a man? |
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Monki
needs to write! Nag me, please!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Nov 2007
Posts: 523
Reviews: 87
Country: Poptart Land!!!!!
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:27 pm Post subject: |
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| Uh, yeah. Mandy is a woman's name... |
_________________
"I said I love you and I swear I still do. - "How You Remind Me" by Nickelback
http://missamonki.wordpress.com/
Also, clicky-clicky here ^ ^: |
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