Topic ID: 31596
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thething912
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 Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 3:28 pm Post subject: Jerk |
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Let me know if it's any good. I added more metaphors and vocabulary. Plus, I edited it.
You’re like a tyrant.
Don’t you have anything better to do?
You crush the foundations that once were.
You define sorrow.
Your victims suffer in the most incogitable ways.
The people you deride are now pathetic pieces of their former selves.
Your victims are like sad puppy dogs that were abused and need attention.
Why can’t you realize what it is that you do?
Or, do you just not care?
Is this who you want to be?
You will always be the dark monster. |
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Last edited by thething912 on Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:19 am; edited 4 times in total |
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Ringo_rules987
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 3:42 pm Post subject: |
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I can't say there was anything that.. I don't know, amazing about it. It wasn't as bad as many poems I've read on other forums, but you tell us everything, you leave us nothing to think about. There is no imagery at all and very little of it is poetic.
One section that bothered me was this one:
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You crush sprits and dreams.
You make people pity themselves.
You make people want to die.
You humiliate people.
Why can’t you see what you’re doing to people? |
The repetition of "you" and "people" is killing me. You need to diversify the palate of words you use, and not make it so monotonous. Plus you misspelled "spirit". This needs some jazz thrown in there. Instead of "You crush spirits and dreams", why not "You destroy the stone of foundation, and now their dying wishes fall, discarded". Just a suggestion.
The ending was nice, but I found it cliched and predictable.
One last thing I have to say is, please divide your poems into stanzas. It makes it so much easier on a person's eyes.
That's all I have to say, hope this helps. |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 4:24 pm Post subject: |
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I think the problem is, just to develop on Ringo's point of you telling us everything and leaving the reader with nothing to think about- you need to balance a strong poetic voice which commands the reader's attention and your poetic devices. Perhaps you tend to make it too abstract when you try very hard to show- and to stop doing this you might tell too much. It's a vicious circle for many poets and indeed writers.
My hero Frost is the champion of balancing these two elements of poetry, in my opinion. I would suggest, just in case I'm being completely confusing here that you read 'The Road Not Taken' by Robert Frost. Here you will see how you can develop on your concept on the emotions and ideas you feel towards this 'Jerk', without having to yell it at the reader. You need to use stronger and more original metaphors as well.
And also, the structure needs work. Right now it's just a serious of short, undeveloped sentences. Try sorting out the basics first and the rest will fall into place, believe me.
Best wishes,
Eimear |
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zeppy♥yozora
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 5:28 pm Post subject: |
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| OMG!!!!!!!! this was SOOOO good! I really think it captures what a dictator (or just the leader of the "popular" kids) is like ,and how you are just fed up with them sometimes! |
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thething912
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 6:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for your reviews. |
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CK Lynn
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 11:10 pm Post subject: |
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You’re like a tyrant without manners. (does any tyrant have manners?)
Don’t you have anything better to do?
You crush the foundations that once were.
You defined sorrow.
Your victims suffer in the most outrageous ways. (this line breaks the flow)
The people you deride are now pathetic pieces of their former selves.
Your victims are like a sad puppy dog that was abused and needs attention. (can many people be one puppy dog? Make this plural)
Why can’t you realize what it is that you do?
Or, do you just not care?
Is this who you want to be?
Obviously, it is. (just erase this line)
You will always be the dark monster.
But in the end, it’s you that truly suffers. (*cough* cheesy)
All in all, very cliched, but if you make it more original and stop answering the questions you pose, it could be good. |
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Nolan
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:48 am Post subject: |
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Wow.
This was acceptable.
Not great.
Not terrible.
Acceptable.
Don't answer your own questions, it's just annoying.
Leave more for the reader to interpret, and less of a mandate.
Multiple repetitions of words is boring; use a thesaurus and some imagination.
Also, no offense, this kind of seems like something a zealot would scream at someone who opposes their cause. |
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[deleted3]
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 1:21 am Post subject: |
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| As I read it I was thinking, well he's got the ideas, the thoughts, now where's the poem. This read more like an outline to a potential poem, to me at least. But I think you have a foundation here, and to me I think you should go over these a couple times, and then write a lyrical poem with all those ideas in mind. |
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