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The Apparition
The Apparition
by BigBadBear in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on June 14, 2008
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•what relally happened: a HSM RL fic CHAPTER 2

what relally happened: a HSM RL fic
Topic ID: 31592
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spaced_out   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 11:53 am    Post subject: what relally happened: a HSM RL fic Reply with quote

this is a story about what is between HSM 1 and 2.

CHAPTER 1: mourning the loss of you

one day Matt was walking with a few of his best buds. Zac, Vanessa, Monique, Ashley, Lucas, Corbin.

They were movie stars. And he was their director. Ever since Kenny died in a murder at the Las Vegas Ritz, Matt had done it all for them. He remembered his speech sadly.

"Dearest friends, Family, and othersa, We are gathered today in mourning. For the disney channel and the musical world has lost Kenny Orteaga."

(I know, LAME-O but this will have a hairspray girl in a HSM world, if you catch me drift.)

As Kenny's last request, Matt was to direct the movies las good as he had wrote the third one.

(that is a LOOOOONG STORY.)

"Mattiekinz, I hope this will be the best movie on the face of this earth, so Kenny did not die in vain! " said V

"yes, hun, it will, and I still have to tell THAT STORY so please um,be quiet"

they were married. Like Kenny knew it would be. true love it was.

suddenly a girl and a guy wanted revenge. and they were NOT HAPPY.

"matt, why did you have to marry vanessa?" asked Ashley

"I'VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES, IT IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE TRUE LOVE!"

"um, ok"

"sorry I snapped"

"that's ok"

"I think I'm getting a bit upset about V, and drew and Niki murdering Kenny to get to us"

"what's wrong with V?"

"oh just the norm. Mood swings, random cravings, too much kissing LOL"

"wait.."

"she's not..."

"um no, why would you think that?"

"once you got to the cravings, I knew"

"it's normal"

"no. it's not normal"

"Romick I swear your going down!" said ZAC

(that is not my last name)

Zac punches Matt

"you stupid freak!"

A little sponge pops out of the ground and says

"peace. That is what we need"

"sorry Matt"

"sorry zac"

"let's all go to guava smoothy and talk"

"what's a guava m?" said V

"a guava is a type of fruit that grows in parts of a apple tree"

"ok..."

"BTW we've got a PC at 3. And then a interview at 6. That gives us three hours to hang. PS: it's in Las Vegas!"

"AHH, it's 12, we have to go!"

thus ends chapter 1.

MATT

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writerscottie   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 3:01 pm    Post subject: Hmm... Reply with quote
Okay, I just want to start with this-a little too confusing. You should definitely try to clarify who is talking when.

Quote:
they were married.
Who was married? ZAc and V/ Matt and v? Kenny and V? Try to make this clearer for your reader to picture.

"I think I'm getting a bit upset about V, and drew and Niki murdering Kenny to get to us"
Okay, way to confusing. Who said it? Who are Drew and Niki? I know who they are, of course, Drew Seely and Nikki Blonsky, but your reader might not. Keep that in mind.


Quote:
(that is not my last name)
Once again, who said it? If someone said it, it would be in quotation marks. Did he think it? But if he did, would Zac be able to read his mind and then punch him?




A little sponge pops out of the ground and says

"peace. That is what we need"

Umm, is this really necessary? Perhaps, for humorous reasons it would be needed, but otherwise, it just make the story more confusing. I suggest a character should say it rather than a sponge who pops out of the very earth they are standing on.

In all, I think you have some tweaking to do. Just keep these tips in mind. i think it is a very humorous story though. Please do not take this harshly. I personally liked it and though it may appear as I hated it, I really think you have a good creative idea and to keep going at it! Buh-bye! Laughing

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 7:42 pm    Post subject: Re: Hmm... Reply with quote
writerscottie wrote:
Okay, I just want to start with this-a little too confusing. You should definitely try to clarify who is talking when.



Quote:
they were married.
Who was married? ZAc and V/ Matt and v? Kenny and V? Try to make this clearer for your reader to picture.

"I think I'm getting a bit upset about V, and drew and Niki murdering Kenny to get to us"
Okay, way to confusing. Who said it? Who are Drew and Niki? I know who they are, of course, Drew Seely and Nikki Blonsky, but your reader might not. Keep that in mind.


Quote:
(that is not my last name)
Once again, who said it? If someone said it, it would be in quotation marks. Did he think it? But if he did, would Zac be able to read his mind and then punch him?




A little sponge pops out of the ground and says

"peace. That is what we need"

Umm, is this really necessary? Perhaps, for humorous reasons it would be needed, but otherwise, it just make the story more confusing. I suggest a character should say it rather than a sponge who pops out of the very earth they are standing on.

But who? Kenny's ghost?

In all, I think you have some tweaking to do. Just keep these tips in mind. i think it is a very humorous story though. Please do not take this harshly. I personally liked it and though it may appear as I hated it, I really think you have a good creative idea and to keep going at it! Buh-bye! Laughing
[b]ok I will do that.

very well, I will post chapter 2 in a moment
MATT

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 6:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
OK. I'm not so much of a fan of HSM ... Neutral

Errm you have missed out a heck of a lot of capital letters at the start of your sentences. Please go and edit that before you do anything else.

And to say the opposite to what you have said to me [kinda], pad it out a little! They don't just stand there whilst talking. Make them do something.

Quote:
"BTW we've got a PC at 3. And then a interview at 6. That gives us three hours to hang. PS: it's in Las Vegas!"


This section is a huge no-no. BTW should be "by the way", unless the character actually says that. What on earth is a PC? "a" should be "an". No one says P.S.! Tis what you put in letters to add something you forgot. Unless that is "in character", that is really bad!

Oh oh and please don't shorten the names to one letter. Tis confusing. And, agreeing with writerscottie, I had no clue what was going on with the characters. Explain a little about who they are, what they look like etc.

Otherwise, it seems quite funny and if padded out a little, something that even I would read Smile

On to the next chapter!
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Demeter   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Hi. I read this the other day but I was too confused and busy to review it, then.

First of all, you need to fix those capital letters and punctuations! Need need need! i tell you, i will not want to keep reading if all i see is small letters in places they shouldnt be. In case you don't know the right places:
Capitalize the letter if
a) it starts a person's name, e.g. Vanessa
b) it starts a sentence, e.g. They were going somewhere.
c) it starts a piece of dialogue, e.g. "Sorry, Matt."

Secondly, I have no idea who's talking. In the middle of the chapter, there's a long dialogue, but not one "Ashley said" or "Zac asked". It makes this really, really confusing. Please fix it, too.

Also, there are a few things in parenthesis that I suppose to be your own notes. That's not what should be in a story.

Quote:
(I know, LAME-O but this will have a hairspray girl in a HSM world, if you catch me drift.)


This is one of them. Please put the author's notes before you start the actual story, not in the middle of the story. And why do have to assure us that Romick is not your last name? Or did someone say that? If so, I'm even more confused.

And like SC said, no one says "P.S." That is something you write in a letter if you've forgotten something. And I believe that no one says LOL either, at least no one that I know. That sounds weird.

So I hope you'll fix this mistakes immediately. I don't know yet if I will continue reading.


All the best,
Demeter xx

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