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Lil_Pau
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 Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 7:55 am Post subject: Solitary Seas |
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Solitary Seas
The skies are summer-blue,
but they carry an unwavering sense of gloom.
The sound of seagulls echo into the horizon,
but they seem distant to me.
A lonely mermaid is singing,
drowning in her own melancholic tune.
With nothing but the waves to join her
as percussion.
My heart sways in a gentle breeze,
drifitng towards the faraway sea.
But even if the sun shines
bright across my head,
the day seems dark and gloomy
without you by my side.
Though I long to watch the seas with you,
it seems that solitude is keeping me away... |
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kris
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 10:56 am Post subject: |
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Was tune and persecution , meant to be a kind of para-rhyme? Because it read as if it was. If so. YAY! 
A very sweet, subtle poem. I really enjoyed it.
I think perhaps, that you might like to neaten up the flow.
Other than that - very good. |
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elephantwalrus
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:41 pm Post subject: |
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This has a pretty constant tone and mood; the words that you chose fit will with the tone, keeping it melancholy, but not melodramatic . Well done!
There were a couple of words that caught me off-guard: gloom, tune, gloomy, etc. The "oo" sound in these words sounded a bit too dramatic compared to the subtly of the rest of the poem. It's a really picky complaint, but I would suggest that you change those words to synonyms that have softer sounds.
Sorry that the only advice I had was so picky.  You have nice images in this poem, and it has an overall nice sound. Keep writing, and PM me if you have any questions!
River |
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 8:59 am Post subject: |
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Oh it's OK. Thanks for commenting!
Also thanks to others who had reviewed on other poems |
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Nolan
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 8:42 pm Post subject: |
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I love this poem.
It's both elegant and understandable.
It truly touched me.
I especially liked this part:
My heart sways in a gentle breeze,
drifitng towards the faraway sea.
But even if the sun shines
bright across my head,
the day seems dark and gloomy
without you by my side.
The poeticism and meaning of that is wonderful.
Plus, the end line was amazing:
Though I long to watch the seas with you,
it seems that solitude is keeping me away...
Just, next time, try to be more constant in rhythm, and try to form the idea a bit more.
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