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Eyes of Eden
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 Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 6:32 am Post subject: Preface |
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PREFACE
If you could solve all the mysteries in this world, what would you see? Would you see great fields, filled with all those imaginary creatures in those stories you were told as a child? The world holds secrets from even the wisest of us. And yet some still try to understand.
How are we to know what is myth and what is fact? Can we truly differentiate fairy-tales from non-fiction? How do we determine what legends are true and which are false?
Perhaps the answer lies in the fact that we are simply not supposed to know.
Long ago, forces of which we could only dream to comprehend set laws to insure the secrets of the world were kept silent, shrouded in the mist we call uncertainty. But as we all know, laws were made to be broken, and now secrets must be told…
Take heed children, for dark times lie ahead of us. Earth stands upon the brink of destruction; I can see the darkness start to take control, suffocating all life, blinding us with hatred and despair.
But the Heavens shall not abandon us. All is not yet lost, for there is still good in this world. To those who follow the Lunar Howl, I give you hope.
Join us in this journey, in the ultimate battle between good and evil. One will rise and one will fall, but you must choose your path. For it is the chosen path's of all beings where our journey shall begin... and end.
This is their story... |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 4:44 pm Post subject: |
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Good job!  I like how you address the reader and how you have so many big questions to them.
All right, on to the crit:
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PREFACE
If you could solve all the mysteries in this world, what would you see? Would you see great fields, filled with all those the imaginary creatures in those stories you were told as a child? This part doesn't make much sense, I don't really see how mysteries and seeing imaginary creatures connect, try to explain the connection. The world holds secrets from even the wisest of us. And yet some still try to understand.
How are we to know what is myth and what is fact? Can we truly differentiate fairy-tales from non-fiction? How do we determine what legends are true and which are false?
Perhaps the answer lies in the fact that we are simply not supposed to know.
Long ago, forces of which we could only dream to comprehend set laws to insure ensure the secrets of the world were kept silent, shrouded in the mist we call uncertainty. But as we all know, laws were are made to be broken, and now secrets must be told… Just one period will do fine here.
Take heed children, for dark times lie ahead of us. Earth stands upon the brink of destruction; I can see the darkness start to take control, suffocating all life, blinding us with hatred and despair.
But the Heavens shall not abandon us. All is not yet lost, for there is still good in this world. To those who follow the Lunar Howl, I give you hope.
Join us in this journey, in the ultimate battle between good and evil. One will rise and one will fall, but you must choose your path. For it is the chosen path's of all beings where our journey shall begin... again, you don't need the periods, a comma will suffice and end.
This is their story... |
Again, good job. I hope to read more,
-Onceuponatim3xo |
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Essence of BloodLust
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 11:01 am Post subject: |
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| Great story going. You really catch the readers attention with your questions that address them in particular. I wont comment about spelling/grammar because mine is dreadful. Lol But as far as i could tell there were no mayjor screw ups and you've been paying attention in school! Keep writing! |
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Krupp
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 8:15 pm Post subject: |
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For some strange reason this preface makes me recall Hunter S. Thompson...I can't figure out why though.
It's a good start. I didn't really see any real glaring errors that needed fixing, either, so that's also very helpful. I'm interested to see the story unfold, so keep posting... |
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XxxDo
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:04 am Post subject: Heya |
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Hey !
I enjoyed reading this, I really like it. It's clouded by mystery and questions, which makes it compelling to read. Post more of this story sometime, I'm curious how it goes on. 
It's well written, and I couldn't find anything off other than what the first comment already mentioned. So... Well done!
Take care, and keep writing!
XxxDo
PM me if you have any questions about YWS, etc !! |
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bunnie_i_am
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 8:39 am Post subject: |
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| That was awsome. It held my attion, which is very hard to do. I have always been a sucker for fairytales, and them being real would be sweet. Oh, my name is Bunnie. Keep writeing and PM me when there's more. |
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Avens Dolor
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 4:17 pm Post subject: Re: Preface |
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Comments in red.
| Eyes of Eden wrote: |
PREFACE
If you could solve all the mysteries in this world, what would you see? Perhaps it's only me, but this seems a little awkward. I would assume that solving all the mysteries would provide answers; knowledge. I'm not quite sure how solving a mystery would present an image. Would you see great fields, filled with all those imaginary creatures in those stories you were told as a child? The world holds secrets from even the wisest of us. And yet some still try to understand. This is quite good.
How are we to know what is myth and what is fact? I dislike this comparison, only because, in a sense, myth already is fact. I mean, you can't deny that myths and myth itself exists. Very small nitpick, and I'm likely one of the few who would see it that way. Can we truly differentiate fairy-tales from non-fiction? How do we determine what legends are true and which are false? This feels a little...thesaurus-heavy to me. Like you went in and looked up a bunch of words for "fact" and "fiction".
Perhaps the answer lies in the fact that we are simply not supposed to know. Intriguing.
Long ago, forces of which we could only dream to comprehend I'm not at all feeling the "dream to comprehend" bit. set laws to insure ensure the secrets of the world were kept silent, shrouded in the mist we call uncertainty. "shrouded in the mist we call uncertainty" sounds too flowery for the rest of the piece, and borders on cliche. But as we all know, laws were are made to be broken, and now secrets must be told… Perhaps it's only the ellipse, but this also borders a bit on cliche; at least the half starting with "secrets must".
Take heed I feel like there should be a pause here (comma), but that's just one way of reading it. children, for dark times lie ahead of us. Earth stands upon the brink of destruction; I can see the darkness start to take control, suffocating all life, blinding us with hatred and despair. Eh...
But the Heavens shall not abandon us. All is not yet lost, for there is still good in this world. To those who follow the Lunar Howl, I give you hope.
Join us in this journey, in the ultimate battle between good and evil. One will rise and one will fall, but you must choose your path. For it is the chosen path's No apostrophe needed. of all beings where our journey shall begin... and end.
This is their story... |
I liked the beginning, but then it started breaking way too heavily into cliches for my taste. I began to get that really sticky feeling that always comes with narrators who are written at that "awesome" level, ie "I am the great and powerful wizard of OZ!". It started turning flowery and felt like a modern day author trying to write in historically set prose (no offense meant, of course; this style of voice eludes even some of the best writers).
If you could rope it back to that light at the beginning, and away from the "ultimate battle between good and evil" drenched in prophecy, then I think this could be a really fantastic piece.
Let me know when you add more; I'd love to see what ends up happening. |
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Jared
because bears do it better
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 5:01 pm Post subject: |
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Hello. I agree with Avens Dolor. From this part:
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| Take heed children, for dark times lie ahead of us. Earth stands upon the brink of destruction; I can see the darkness start to take control, suffocating all life, blinding us with hatred and despair. |
down was dripping with cliches. That means it's been used over and over again. We want something new, something original. You were going good for the first half, but then it completely went downhill.
Also, to give the reader the goosebumps at the end, consider changing the last line from:
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| This is their story... |
To:
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| This is your story... |
It fits in because you are directly talking to the reader, and if you want this to have a bigger lure to it, consider changing it.
Looking forward to part 2.
-Jared |
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