Topic ID: 31584
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SimplyPersnikety
Junior Writer
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Age: 13
Joined: 07 Jun 2008
Posts: 21
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Country: USA
300 Points
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 Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 5:01 am Post subject: Living Life |
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Okie Dokie,
This is my first scribble of writing I've posted on YWS. (happy dance!)
It's supposed to be a poem. 
Toodles!
Aj~
Living Life
Release your hold upon the Earth,
Letting go the roots that hold you down.
Open your mind and let it wonder,
Imbuing in the knowledge you find.
Say a farewell to boundaries,
None exist for the free.
Stretch your wings high,
Testing the wind for flight.
Leap into the unknown,
Wielding all your strength.
And soar above the rest,
Swiftly and valiant. |
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Last edited by SimplyPersnikety on Sun Jun 15, 2008 3:39 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Demeter
Goody-two-shoes
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Country: Finland – the noble land of polar bears and Santa Claus
3579 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 10:14 am Post subject: |
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Hello!
This is a refreshing piece. I mean, it's so hopeful. I can feel the wind on my face.
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Say a farewell to boundaries,
None exist for the free. |
I like especially this part.
I suggest, however, that you make this a little longer, maybe. I don't know, though – would it just get ruined? You can try, at least.
If this is your first poem – or just first in YWS? – this is really good. I liked it. Keep up!
See you around!
Demeter xx |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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500 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 5:25 pm Post subject: |
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Heya, welcome to YWS. I'm Eimear and I'm your worst nightmare.
Just kidding, hehe.
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OPEN MIND
Release your hold upon the Earth,
Letting go the roots that hold you down.
Open your mind and let it wonder,
Imbuing in the knowledge you find.
Say a farewell to boundaries,
None exist for the free.
Stretch your wings high,
Testing the wind for flight.
Leap into the unknown,
Wielding all your strength.
And soar above the rest,
Swiftly and valiant. |
Alright, so firstly- your bit at the start isn't necessary. I find it best to see the writer's work and make my mind up about it before I read their own personal comments on it. That way my opinion can't be swayed either way. Although don't think I'm not interested in your writing attempts- I am! I shall send you a friend request after this to emphasise that point.
So onto the poem. I thought it was pretty good. You've got a solid concept which and a great baseline of a poem at the moment. Don't get me wrong, it's fine as it is- but we don't want it to be just 'fine' now, do we? We want it to shine.
1. The title- Is in need of a change. We want to make it interesting for the reader reading this poem so they think about it for a while and then go 'ohh- I get it. That's what they're talking about. I wouldn't have guessed first time.' Therefore 'Open mind' has to be chopped. Well, in my opinion anyway. It's really up to yourself at the end of the day. *Racks brains* How about 'beyond the closed window' or something to that effect. Well, it's a suggestion, anyways.
2.The language/Imagery- Is quite good at the moment. You're problem however is that you seem to grasp hold of a good idea but you simply write it down as it is and move on to the next line. Take the metaphor of 'stretching your wings high' now, I think that could be fiddled with to make it original and quirky. Even saying 'allow your plume to be ruffled by spells of wind' would show more. I think you catch my drift anyways. Keep pushing and pushing in your poetry, and you'll be surprised how far you can stray from reality and yet still remain in touching distance of your reader.
3. The structure- play around with this to see what works. Right now, it's a safe bet with the couplets, but I think to mirror the theme of letting your mind open, you could free it up a little. Try free verse and see where it takes you. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. That's the beauty of the drafting process.
So, all in all, I think this is a good start but there's so much more you can add. And I know you can. Please PM me with any questions or new work.
And I shall be requesting your friendship!
Eimear xx |
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-Oscar Wilde- |
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Nolan
Writer
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Joined: 15 Jun 2008
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Country: Above Heaven;Below Hell
330 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 11:12 pm Post subject: |
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Very refreshing.
I enjoyed it thoroughly.
Just, next time, don't try to explain yourself as much to the readers.
In fact, don't try to explain yourself at all. What you write is what you write, and you're obviously good at it, do not worry about what other people might think of you. |
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Sapphire
Senior Writer
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350 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:22 pm Post subject: Re: Living Life |
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Nice poem! Demeter summed it up well with 'refreshing'. Here were my thoughts on reading:
| SimplyPersnikety wrote: |
Living Life
Release your hold upon the Earth,
Letting go the roots that hold you down. - How about an alternative to 'hold', which further gets across the idea that the roots are restraining? This would eliminate the close repetition of 'hold' as well.
Open your mind and let it wonder, - I like 'wonder'. It was almost a pun for me - I expected 'wander' and read it that way first time, then realised you had chosen 'wonder', which is better.
Imbuing in the knowledge you find. - I don't think 'to imbue in' is a phrase. You can say 'to imbue with'. I'm not sure what this line could be instead.
Say a farewell to boundaries,
None exist for the free.
Stretch your wings high, - I felt like 'high' jarred a bit.
Testing the wind for flight.
Leap into the unknown,
Wielding all your strength.
And soar above the rest,
Swiftly and valiant. - You would need 'valiantly' here because it's supposed to be an adverb.
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Keep going with this!  |
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Ringo_rules987
Senior Writer
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008
Posts: 102
Reviews: 61
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:10 pm Post subject: |
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I don't have much to say about this one. It wasn't bad by any means, but it wasn't, well... amazing.
Your imagery was okay, but you need a few metaphors and similes thrown in there. It'll make the poem feel more like a fantasy. It'll make the poem more of a journey.
Another problem I had was you were on the brink with this poem of coming over as cheesy. It was almost like my art teacher trying to be a motivational speaker. I'd be careful when editing this so you don't make it like you're shoving Velveeta down out throats.
Try not to capitalize every line of the stanza if it isn't necessary. Like the in the first stanza, you have a comma after the first line, so you don't need to capitalize the second.
That's all I have to say.
Good luck! |
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