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Ink and Tongue
Ink and Tongue

by Maybe in Storybooks
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 12, 2008
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carelessaussie13   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 2:38 am    Post subject: Stop Reply with quote

Stop. Just stop. You're fiddling. Tapping your toe glancing around, picking your fingernails. Stop.

Can you do it? Are you scared of the stillness? Yes, I thought so. Let me tell you a story, then, to quell your fears. So stop your little movements and your little noises. LIsten.

In the beginning there was nothing. Although nothing did not move, it roiled and screamed and raked through the crevasses of itself. All was stillness nd stillness was everywhere an the contradictions ran a thick as memory. Until the New Thing came.

The New Thing was time and with a measurement of duration nothing began to strain at its bonds. And nothing escaped. From freedom came the stars and the sun and the earth. The leaves whispered their secrets to the undulating grasses. Restless water lapped at the shore. The universe hummed with motion and life and energy.

But life and death are crucially entwined. each movement tugged the planet closer to death, closer to nothing bound by time.

Do you see? Only thorugh stillness can we survive.

Stop. Just stop. Don't move.

Stillness. Silence. Peace.

Good. Now stay that way.


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1dering at stars   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 4:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Something like this is the definition of short and sweet. Only 'sweet' probably isn't the best description word for this piece. Maybe magical. Wow. I know this isn't a helpful review, but this was amazing. Really powerful.
Quote:
LIsten.
Just a typo, but the 'i' doesn't need to be capitalized.
Quote:
All was stillness nd stillness was everywhere an the contradictions ran a thick as memory.
Both the 'ands' in this sentence are misspelled. Smile
Thats all the mistakes I found, and those were just typos. Really, really, good job on this. Don't let anyone tell you its too short. Its perfect, powerful, and has a great ending.

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GML   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 4:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You need to look for your typos...I won't bother to go through and tell them to you.

This is very well-written. I loved how you went from the short, concise sentences at the beginning to a sort of "storyteller" mode and back to the abruptness. Very nice. You would think it wouldn't flow well this way but it did.

You have a very good writing style. I'd love to read more of your writing.

The only thing was that I had to read it twice to really get everything. But I think that made it all the more enjoyable. And I often read things twice anyway because I read too fast for my own good. Smile

Gold star!

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Tamora   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 2:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is beautiful to read. It has a rythm, and wonderful feeling about it that really makes you smile, and think.
Yes, there are a few typos that have already been pointed out, so just fix those up and the whole thing will be practically prefect. I love this, I really do. Well done.
"You have a very good writing style. I'd love to read more of your writing."
Me too! and you do have a gorgeous style.
I also like the fact that it's so short, that just adds more affect to the whole feeling of it. So, well done again. I love it.

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Nolan   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was wonderful.

I could see the imagery in my head, I love the vividness of the words you used.
Also, the short sentences really, really, really accentuated this piece. The abruptness gave it a sense of almost urgency, which contrasted with the theme of stopping and staying still.

Amazing.
Wonderful.
Fantastic.
I could go on.

5 out of 5 stars.



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This thread was created on June 12, 2008

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