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elephantwalrus
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 Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 12:11 am Post subject: Long Way Back |
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Verse 1: I have your picture on my shelf
In a fairly simple frame,
To not obscure your handsome face,
And your letters are on my desk,
And I know them all by heart;
But still I read them every day.
Pre-chorus 1: And I know my actions are immature,
But I don't think that I can help myself
Chorus: Because it's a long way back from "loving you,"
And it's a lonely path to "left you."
It is quite absurd that I'm in love,
But I'm stuck here wanting you just because
It's a long way back.
Verse 2: In the evening we go dancing,
But when we move I see your haste:
You want to be away,
So I try to give you space,
But when you're not by my side,
You're prowling inside my mind
Pre-chorus 2: And I know my love is premature,
Forgive me, I can't help myself.
[insert chorus]
Verse 3: It may be that my love is all my fault,
But I think you share the blame,
Still you deny it all the same
So explain to me why you sang my praise,
And gave me all those gifts
With every little kiss?
Pre-chorus 3: It may be that my love is premature,
But you made me not help myself.
[insert chorus]
Bridge: It's all long way back on the lonely path not turning back to you,
Not looking back, it's a long way back, to a place that lacks love for you.
Don't miss me, I won't miss you, after I go back to the beginning.
Outro (slower): I know my love was premature,
But now I can finally help my self
On the long way back.
I can imagine that this is hard to read through; the rhythm isn't obvious. But, once I figure out how to record, I'll post a rough soundtrack of me on the internet. Critiques still appreciated! |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 6:00 am Post subject: |
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I first read this when you posted it, but I sort of forgot to critique it, but her I am now. The first thing I want to say is, I could fit a tune to it pretty easily, but I look forward to hearing the recording. Oh, and when you do, please tel me how because I really want to record one of mine to put p. Now, onto my critique!
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And your letters are on my desk,
And I know them all by heart;
But still I read them every day. |
These three lines are really powerful. You've done a joob job, they really make me think, and I'm sure they'll sound great recorded.
| Quote: |
| And it's a lonely path to "left you." |
I don't really get this line. Left you? I'd change it to something different, because I think I see what you're getting at, but 'left you' doesn't make it very clear.
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| It is quite absurd that I'm in love, |
I like this line. Again, very powerful.
This really annoys me. It's not hard to write out the chorus again or even just copy and paste it. I'd also like to say that having you write Chorus and Verse 1 and stuff all the time is also really annoying. We can figure it out by ourselves.
So overall I think you've got a good song here, and I can't wait to hear the recording. A lot of it is very powerful and moving. Just again, please put in the actual chorus. It's extememly annoying having to scroll up and down to see it.
Good job, and PM me when you have the recording up! |
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thunder_dude7
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:44 am Post subject: |
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I formulated a rythem, but it mut have been off, because it didn't work in some places. THe recording will fix that, I imagine.
The rhyme scheme was...off. First, read this excerpt from verse 3.
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But I think you share the blame,
Still you deny it all the same |
That rhymes. But the same lines in other verses do not really work like this one. "haste" and "away" don't rhyme.
The chorus rhyming was also off. I didn't see a single rhyme, save the first two lines, and it really just threw the whole song off for me.
I did like this. The title is one of the few song titles I've seen that really...works. It's catchy, and I just really like that.
The song was also very cool in the regret of the break up between the two of them and really expressed the emotion that the person feels. Nice work. |
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writ3rindisguis3
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:37 am Post subject: |
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Ooh, I love this. I would totally sing this! Have you put it to music yet?
| Quote: |
Chorus: Because it's a long way back from "loving you,"
And it's a lonely path to "left you."
It is quite absurd that I'm in love,
But I'm stuck here wanting you just because
It's a long way back. |
Awesome chorus! So much emotion.
| Quote: |
So I try to give you space,
But when you're not by my side,
You're prowling inside my mind |
Love the rhyming here.
Fantastic job! I love all your work and this is one of my favorites!
I would love to put this to some music if you haven't already. Would it be okay with you if I try and learn this? Maybe play it on the guitar? You don't have to let me if you don't want to. Talk to me about it, please!
Keep writing your great works!
Becca |
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elephantwalrus
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:43 am Post subject: |
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Hey, thanks for the support, guys! I'm out of town this week, so I won't be able to record or post the song online for a couple weeks. I'll let y'all know when it's done!
Thanks for the honest reviews, but I'd like to defend myself in one area: the rhyme. Technically, most of the lines are connected by assonance and slant rhymes. It might read sloppy, but I hold out the vowels when I sing  . So, it sounds like it rhymes. 
Thanks for the support and the honest reviews!
River |
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writ3rindisguis3
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:48 am Post subject: |
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| Yay, you do have the music! Awesome! |
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darchoco
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 5:01 am Post subject: |
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| i love how powerful the emotion is. while seemingly simple in wording, it has a powerful metaphorical sense to it. Its a heart wrencher thats for sure. I want to hear the recording for it. I can see the verses as a slower tempo with the chorus slightly more upbeat. maybe that helps?? |
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lyrical_sunshine
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:38 pm Post subject: |
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| I suck at critiquing music, but I thought this was beautiful. Well done. I especially loved the bridge. :D Can't wait to hear it. |
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Kalliope
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 9:43 am Post subject: |
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Hello elephantwalrus,
I think you have quite lovely song here. I enjoyed your chorus a lot, just because it describes this kind of caught feeling when you know you're in love and can't go back, but don't want to leave the other either.
I couldn't exactly sing it, which was a problem. Somehow your meter seemed inconsistent to me and I had trouble not stumbling over the lines.
Also the fact that you continue after the and of the verse, i.e. the line break, and just leave off with a comma, makes me wonder where it actually stops and where to halt etcetera. Since you're going to record it I figured that it does work out, so I'd be very interested in listening to the recording.
Then maybe I can give you some useful tips considering meter and such.
The other thing I noticed was that you use very common images, but pull it off very well, so I can't exactly blame you 
Just a few nitpicks:
| Quote: |
| And I know my actions are immature |
I think 'my actions' sounds a bit awkward and vague. Maybe
'And I know what I do is immature' is an alternative worth thinking about?
| Quote: |
But when we move I see your haste:
You want to be away, |
1) Wouldn't you rather feel the haste than see it?
2) 'You want to be away' sounds really, really awkward. Even more co pared to the rest of the perfectly well phrased lines. Please think about replacing it
So... I'm really interested in what this sounds like. Do PM me when the recording is up.
All the best,
~Kalliope |
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