Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Your Lips On Mine
Your Lips On Mine

by emma.b in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on June 12, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Welcoming Freedom Chapter 1
Welcoming Freedom Chapter 2
Welcoming Freedom Chapter 4
Welcoming Freedom Chapter 5

Welcoming Freedom Chapter 3

Topic ID: 31519
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
writ3rindisguis3   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

30
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 07 May 2008
Posts: 63
Reviews: 30
Country: A place in my imagination...
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 7:32 pm    Post subject: Welcoming Freedom Chapter 3 Reply with quote

The third chapter!

Chapter 3

Attack

The brisk wind blew against me, sending shivers throughout my body. I pulled my coat around me tighter. I walked down the dark street, wishing that the lamps were on.

I had been walking for a while. The house the meeting was being held at was twenty minutes away and I had been walking for about ten.

I heard some shuffling behind me and turned at the sound. Leaves skittered across the road. It must have been my imagination. My mind likes to make things up when I’m nervous. I turned back around and continued walking. I peeked over my shoulder once more, just to make sure. Nothing

was there.

I stumbled over my feet, and crashed to the ground. I heard my dress rip and felt my hands scrape against the sidewalk. My knees slid across the ground. I held back tears, as I sat on the ground.

Growling erupted out of nowhere and something slammed against me. I crashed into a wall and heard something crack. Pain slowly eased its way up my spine. I cried out in pain and something laughed at me.

My eyes snapped open and looked in terror at the person in front of me. A woman with red fiery hair crouched in front of me. Piercing, blood red eyes met mine and an evil smile spread across her face. I gasped and pain erupted in my back. I cringed and the woman chuckled.

“You smell so delicious. Too bad James isn’t here. He would have loved you.” I looked at her in confusion, but she only snarled at me. She grabbed both of my arms and put them behind my back. Her hands were freezing cold and her breath on my neck made me shiver. She pulled back on my arms and I screamed out. “I like to play with my food. The fear makes you taste so much better.” Food? I was truly confused now.

She slammed me against a wall and my face came in contact with the brick wall. My nose cracked and a hot liquid ran down my face. The woman twisted my arms and my shoulder popped out of its socket. I screamed out and fell to my knees. A foot collided with my back and I fell forward.

What had I done to deserve this? My arms thumped to the ground on either side of me. I had so much pain all over. “You’re time has come to an end, young girl.” She cackled an evil laugh. Her mouth came down on my neck and she kissed it once before she sunk her teeth into my neck.

I gasped as a burning sensation erupted in my neck. I could feel the life being sucked out of me slowly and the woman, no…creature, was giving pleasurable sounds. I knew I was going to die. I didn’t try to fight back but waited for death to come.


_________________
Did I just run a green light?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Peter T. Gardner   View This User's Portfolio
New Member


Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Jun 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 1

300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 11:10 pm    Post subject: i like it! Reply with quote

lol i really like it~~~ Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Kiss In The Rain   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

32
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 31 Mar 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 32
Country: U.S of A
222 Points

PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 11:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
My eyes snapped open and looked in terror at the person in front of me. A woman with red fiery hair crouched in front of me.


"A woman with red, fiery hair..."

Quote:
She slammed me against a wall and my face came in contact with the brick wall.


You used wall twice; I would cut the second one.

Quote:
Her mouth came down on my neck and she kissed it once before she sunk her teeth into my neck.


Again, repetative; this time with "neck". "into my flesh" sounds better at the end.

*~*

Okay, this chapter, I must say, was much better. Very nice; I don't like Victoria... I just thought I'd throw that out there, *giggles*. I'm sorry I was so mean in my othe reviews. But, this chapter was much better. Nicely done.

_________________
Some say the world will end in {FIRE}/Some say in {ICE}/From what I’ve tasted of desire/I hold with those who favor {FIRE}/But if it had to perish twice/I think I know enough of hate/To know that for destruction {ICE}/Is also great/And would suffice
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Night Mistress   View This User's Portfolio
a lover of vampires
Speaker of the Forum

197
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 848
Reviews: 197
Country: USA
1856 Points

PostPosted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 12:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oooh, i have to say that this getting interesting. You introduced James and Victoria. I be in the next chapter, you are going to bring some of the Cullens in, aren't you? I guess i will have to stick around to see what you do in the chatpers to come. Good LUck with those.

_________________
"you are a Friend. nothing more, nothing less,"

Elizabeth Gray of Poison Love.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
Dustfinger   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

21
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2008
Posts: 37
Reviews: 21
Country: Mallacabia, Mars
200 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 3:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice. i would change one thing though.

Quote:
What had I done to deserve this? My arms thumped to the ground on either side of me. I had so much pain all over. “You’re time has come to an end, young girl.” She cackled an evil laugh. Her mouth came down on my neck and she kissed it once before she sunk her teeth into my neck.

I think you should change it to


Quote:
What had I done to deserve this? My arms thumped to the ground on either side of me. I had so much pain all over. “You’re time has come to an end, young girl.” She cackled an evil laugh. Her mouth came down on my neck and she kissed it once before she sunk her teeth into it.


Good job!!!

ok im going to go read the rest.


Wink Wink Wink

_________________
When the power of love is greater than the love of power, there will be peace.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
spaced_out   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

12
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 12
Joined: 27 Apr 2008
Posts: 93
Reviews: 12
Country: USA!
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was a very good piece.

Though in some places I went um.

This is bedcause of too much DISCRIPTION.

that will give you your downfall.

Also too much TALK.

But it was good anyway.

MATT

_________________
if you can dream YOU CAN DO IT!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Sela Locke   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

97
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 169
Reviews: 97
Country: somewhere deep in the Pacific.
485 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 1:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have this strange feeling you copied me. Mostly because you did, but yeah. =D

_________________
"People are stupid, because stupidity loves them with a great passion. Love the stupidity back, dear. Love it so I can call you a conformist."

-Loicantt
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on June 12, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on June 12, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, You must believe in free will; there is no choice. - Isaac Bashevis Singer
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society