Topic ID: 31511
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LoveableLittleSock
Somebody who has an irrevocable hate for commas
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 Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 6:23 pm Post subject: To lust |
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Hola - I want to put this poem on my all new writing website (which you should all contribute to. You can visit it in my sig..), but I sort of want it to be flawless and like, it isn't all that great.
Anyway. Here it is:
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I stare at you from across the classroom
A glaze coating my eyes
A beauty like yours cannot be compared
For nature, it simply defies
You are called upon by the instructor
And from your lips a symphony spills
An angelic voice that’s simply breath-taking
Nothing with you is “run-of-the-mill”
In the hall I sometimes see you
And it brightens up my day
It fulfills all my needs and wants
In that beautiful, simple way
Every moment you’re not in my presence
Your face haunts my mind
Bright hazel eyes sparkle through the darkness
With a smile I can’t wait to find
There are certain things
I discover when I’m near you
I can barely speak, barely move
I try to breathe and I’m unable to
You may be perfect in almost every way
In ways I can hardly understand
If I ever do plan to get over you
I don’t want a helping hand
~~~~~~~~
Thanks for reading! |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 8:47 pm Post subject: |
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Hiya! OK, the topic is one that is exhausted by writers everywhere but, of course, that doesn't mean that you can't have your own version. For the most part you really try to put across feelings to which everyone can relate in a new way, but some of them fall short of working properly. I've added my thoughts in bold. I've been honest because I'm sure you can take it. 
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I stare at you from across the classroom
A glaze coating my eyes - This sounds a little strange.
A beauty like yours cannot be compared
For nature, it simply defies - You've inverted the structure here so that the rhyme works, but it stops the flow of the poem.
You are called upon by the instructor
And from your lips a symphony spills - I liked this. The sibilance works.
An angelic voice that’s simply breath-taking
Nothing with you is “run-of-the-mill”
- I think 'breath-taking' is one of these words that has become so clichéd that it loses meaning, even when it's the word that you feel best captures what you mean. Perhaps you could use an alternative? Or make the sentence more active? So instead of saying 'the voice is...', show the effect of the voice. Obviously 'breath-taking' shows how it takes your breath away, but, as I said before, it's a little over-used in its adjective form. Sorry that's a little jumbled, hope you understand what I meant.
In the hall I sometimes see you
And it brightens up my day
It fulfills all my needs and wants
In that beautiful, simple way
- The idea of this verse is nice, that simply seeing this person makes the day better, but the phrases you use to describe it ('brightens up my day') are also a bit clichéd. You could try to show this by saying something like, even if you sleep in and are late for school, seeing him changes your luck.
Every moment you’re not in my presence
Your face haunts my mind
Bright hazel eyes sparkle through the darkness
With a smile I can’t wait to find
The word choice 'haunts' is an interesting one - you could continue this idea in the rest of the stanza by talking more about this most welcome 'ghost'.
There are certain things
I discover when I’m near you
I can barely speak, barely move
I try to breathe and I’m unable to
The lines in this stanza are shorter than in the others.
You may be perfect in almost every way
In ways I can hardly understand
If I ever do plan to get over you
I don’t want a helping hand
I think you need a stronger ending. The idea that the speaker isn't even sure they want to get over this person is, again, a good one, but 'helping hand' just doesn't have the punch to make a proper impact at the end of your poem.
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Some general comments:
- Punctuation: It would be a good idea to have another read-through your poem and add in the necessary full-stops and so on.
- Rhythm: It changes throughout as the number of syllables in each lines changes. Standardising each stanza would be beneficial, I think.
I hope some of these comments help you out. If you need any clarification or you make any revisions, let me know!  |
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elephantwalrus
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 7:33 pm Post subject: |
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Sapphire covered all the bases in her review, and I agree with what she said.
My biggest suggestion would be watch your words; sometimes you use surreal words (ex: glaze, symphony, etc.) and other times you use colloquial (conversational) words, like "classroom" and "run-of-the-mill." This weird collaboration messes with the tone, and distracts the reader. I would suggest either sugar coating it with surreal words, or making it funny and relatable by just using conversational words. That will polish your style and make this a more enjoyable read.
Just to note: whichever style you choose for this poem, don't be afraid to not rhyme. Choose rhythm over rhyme, and it will sound like a better poem. Keep writing, and PM me if you have any questions!
Just a suggestion: I notice that you say "I see this" and "I notice that" a lot. You can really add depth to the poem by showing, and not telling. It's not necessary, but it is a suggestion.
Praise: This reads like poems I wrote when I was a bit younger (that's a compliment. I got A's on those poems ). You seem to have a passion for making the reader feel and see what you feel and see, and that's always good. If you have time to, I'd suggest that you read A Poetry Handbook by Mary Oliver. After I read it, my choices in poetry improved, and it really got me thinking about which words and sounds to choose. I highly recommend the book for anyone with a passion for poetry; it really instructs one well about the basics of the craft.
Keep writing!
River |
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Nolan
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 5:26 pm Post subject: |
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Overall, this is a very good poem, but quite a few errors were made.
You did something I used to always do in this verse.
You sacrificed the flow and poetry part for the sake of a rhyme:
I stare at you from across the classroom
A glaze coating my eyes
A beauty like yours cannot be compared
For nature, it simply defies
Next time, exhaust all possible options before resorting to putting the object of a sentence first.
Something like:
"Nature is something it simply defies"
or
"There're many things that it defies"
I absolutely love this stanza and the poeticism/idealism/naivete of it:
In the hall I sometimes see you
And it brightens up my day
It fulfills all my needs and wants
In that beautiful, simple way |
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