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This thread was created on June 12, 2008
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If You Insist
Topic ID: 31507
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Ringo_rules987
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 Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 6:00 pm Post subject: If You Insist |
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If You Insist
Give me a place of solitude;
a place where I can think.
Make a haven of agreement
where eternal peace can be found.
Make me a refuge of silence.
Paint the lush fields of this place.
Brush the abundant landscapes
with emeralds and rich jade.
Bless these valuable materials
with your prayers and well wishes.
Shower the many bodies of water.
Fill them with your crystal tears.
Turn your pain into my joy.
Draw from all of your soul.
Turn weak silver into precious gold.
Orchestrate an endless orchard,
and kiss the fruit with reason.
Fortify the trees with persistence.
Allow them to stand forever.
Fortify me with your optimism.
Mold a sun to give me hope.
Sculpt it with your passion.
Let its heat rest in my throat.
Send waves of your energy.
Let them coat the lighthouse of my heart.
If you insist upon staying,
I will not protest at all.
You are the dream architect,
the tonic and surcease for pain.
You have given me peace of mind. |
Last edited by Ringo_rules987 on Thu Jun 12, 2008 8:57 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Demeter
Goody-two-shoes
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 8:07 pm Post subject: |
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Hello, again!
[quote]Give me a place of solitude;
a place where I can think.
Make a haven of agreement
where eternal peace can be found.
Make me a refuge of silence.[7quote]
I like the last line, because it ends with silence, literally. The abrupt end... is silence. So good, so far.
You use the word "precious" both in the second and the third stanza. Watch it.
| Quote: |
| Turn weak silver into precious gold. |
Here it is – but the line is beautiful.
Again, I can't decide my favourite stanza, they were all great. Keep up.
Demeter xx |
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elephantwalrus
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Age: 16
Joined: 14 Mar 2007
Posts: 174
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! First off, I'd like to say that you have nice diction and nice imagery in this poem. I think this is the first time I've ever had to say this, but I think it's just a little too much  . What I mean is that you have so many beautiful images, but they distract from the theme. In fact, I don't even remember what the theme is right now. It's vague, under the perfume of your words.
My suggestion would be that you make it shorter. Choose your most favorite images, and cut out the rest. Then, make sure to highlight the theme!
Also: there are a couple instances where I think some word variety would be helpful. For example, in the first stanza, you use "make" to start two lines. In the third stanza, you use "turn" to start two lines. Forth stanza, you use "fortify" twice. Fifth stanza, "let" twice, etc. With repetition, you have to be careful, because it doesn't take much for it to be too redundant and repetitive . If you choose different words, you're diction will sound more professional (in my opinion).
The only other thing I have to say is that your cadence is pretty good. Well done, keep writing, and PM me if you have any questions.
River |
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| This thread was created on June 12, 2008 |
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