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Night Mistress
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 Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 5:35 pm Post subject: Poison Love |
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There. I edited it. If you still find something wrong with it, let me know.
Prologue
The three of us, Adam, my father, and myself were in the “turning room” as we so solemnly nickname it. Adam sat down in the chair and we bound him to it with black leather strips around his wrist and ankles. I stayed by his side as Landon, the one who changed me, readied for the transformation.
"Are you ready, love?" I asked Adam, clutching his hand in fear. Landon was ready to drain his blood and replace it with ours. It was a painful process that lasted two or three days to complete, depending on the human being changed. Thinking about the whole thing and the nasty side-effects made me tighten my grip on his hand. Landon stood to the side, waiting for my command. I found it very appealing that my love wanted to be my mate and companion for my immortal life.
"Yeah. Let's do it," he responded.
"You have to be certain about it. Once it starts, there is no going back," I said, looking into his face.
"I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he said with compassion in his voice. I sighed in content and closed my eyes. I was ready to be with him forever, too. He reached up and tucked a lock of black hair behind my ear. I opened my violet eyes and looked at him. I sighed again. I glanced and nodded to Landon to begin the process that would change our lives forever.
"Do it," I announced, laying a kiss on Adam’s hand. I looked at the cross on the wall and prayed that my love would come out of this safely. |
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Last edited by Night Mistress on Sat Aug 23, 2008 5:18 pm; edited 10 times in total |
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Periwinkle
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 6:26 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
Prologue
"Are you ready, love?" I ask him, clutching his hand. My blood father was ready to drain his blood and replace it with ours.
"Yeah. Let's do it," he said]. [Be careful - I think you should tell us the guy's name rather than call him "love" to differentiate him from her blood father..]
"You have to be certain about it. Once it starts, there is no going back," I said, looking into his face.
"I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he said with love in his voice. I sighed and closed my eyes. I was ready to be with him forever, too. I opened my eyes and nodded to my blood father.
"Do it," I said. My mind [The way you say this it sounds like her mind is something separate - just say "I began to pray"] began to pray that my love would come out of this safely |
I thought this was interesting. The only thing I can say is you said "said" to much...change it up.
Short review for a short piece...PM me if you have any questions. |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 8:53 pm Post subject: |
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Night Mistress!
I see that you have finally posted your new story! 
I was so excited to read it!
But I must say, it was too short for my taste!  I would love to have read more of this!
But, it was good. I liked it. You made the reader WANT to read more of your story, which is always the main point of a prolouge.
All right, well, I hope you post more of this so I can read more! |
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Night Mistress
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 2:01 pm Post subject: |
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Is that a bit better?
Ashelylee and Periwinkle:
Thanks for looking at my story. I know this wwas short but I want to get the reader's attention into this. I promise that the other chapter will be longer. |
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"sometime you can't help but break the rules."
Odette Gray of Poison Love. |
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Abocreature
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 8:56 pm Post subject: Re: Posion Love |
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This is exiting! I can't wait to read more! There were just a couple errors and comments I would like to make, though:
| Night Mistress wrote: |
Prologue
"Are you ready, love?" I asked him (I would like to know his name), clutching his hand. Aidan, my blood father, was ready to drain his blood and replace it with ours. It was a painful process of over a couple days. Thinking about it made me tighten my grip on his hand.
"Yeah. Let's do it," he responded.
"You have to be certain about it. Once it starts, there is no going back," I emitted, looking into his face.
"I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he crooned with love in his voice. I sighed and closed my eyes. I was ready to be with him forever, too. He reached up and tucked some (It would be interesting if you had a color here, to begin describing what you look like.) hair behind my ear. I opened my (Same as the hair.) eyes, looked at him. I sighed again. I looked and nodded to Aidan to begin the process which would change our lives forever.
"Do it," I said. I began to pray that my love would come out of this safely. |
I cannot wait to read the next chapter! I'm already hooked! |
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October Girl
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 9:23 pm Post subject: |
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Are you kidding me? That's it?! That's all you wrote.... c'mon get on the ball woman I want to read more!!! What's going to happen? Who are they? How'd they fall in love? C'mon write write write!!! Lol sorry I just love romance and title is so.....captivating. I hope you're going somewhere with this. Keep writing and best of luck!
-Max |
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LilyReagan
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 12:30 am Post subject: |
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OOH!
Okay, I do agree, that for a first pst, this was short, but it was the prologue. Not to appear rebellious, but Night Mistress can tell us the name of "Love" when she deems it nessecary. Oh, by the way, you spelled 'Poison' wrong in the title.
Adulteratedly,
Lily |
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endless_secrets
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:35 am Post subject: |
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Although this was very short I very much enjoyed reading it and only wish it were longer! You are very good with sensatory description, I almost felt like I was her, even though I didn't know her or the circumstances that got her to where she is, but i hope to find all of that out! You have a talent keep going with this, I can't wait to read some more!
PM me when you have the first chapter out please! |
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omsvmars22
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 5:40 am Post subject: |
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You did what a prologue is suppose to do, I want to read more.
You have me interested and I can't wait to find out what happens.
Two things though, I think that you should tell us names, I always feel that this is the frame of a character and you can't know anything else about them until you know their name, but maybe thats just me.
Also this was very short!
Sorry, I just love this so far and I want to know the story behind this scene and everything that will happen beyond it!
I will wait eagerly for more! Good luck and happy writing! |
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 2:43 am Post subject: Re: Poison Love |
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| Night Mistress wrote: |
Prologue
"Are you ready, love?" I asked him, clutching his hand. Aidan, my blood father, was ready to drain his blood and replace it with ours. It was a painful process of over a couple day.[I actually think the expression is 'of a couple days' or 'that spanned over a couple days'. Though spanned could be replaced with took, ran, or something similar] Thinking about it made me tighten my grip on his hand.
"Yeah. Let's do it," he resoponded. [How does he respond? Does he sound tired, eager? We know how the narrator feels, but what can the narrator tells us about how this other guy feels?]
"You have to be certain about it. Once it starts, there is no going back," I emitted, looking into his face.
"I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he crooned with love in his voice. I sighed and closed my eyes. I was ready to be with him forever, too. He reached up and tucked some black hair behind my ear. I opened my green eyes, [did you purposefully not put 'and' here?] looked at him. I sighed again. I looked and nodded to Aidan to begin the process which would change our lives forever.
"Do it," I said. I began to pray that my love would come out of this safely. |
^_^ Okay. This was very short and I saw very few errors (I pointed out the ones I saw).
I have only one real question: Who is who?
I assumed the 'him' she is holding hands with was Aidan, but I later realised maybe he wasn't. It's hard to tell because there are two guys here. I really only figured it out because I realized it was weird for her to be calling her 'father' love. =P That could be fixed by...
a) Specifying who 'he' is, if only by saying 'I asked my lover' or something like that. The last time she speaks she is talking to aidan, so maybe specify this rather than risk us assuming she is speaking to her lover.
b) If Aidan is in the same room, you could have him waiting at a distance, and specify that by having her acknowledge (she looks at him 'he stood waiting at the other end of the room') this distance, so we can understand she isn't actually speaking to him.
c)
Anyways, that confused me for a second but maybe it was just me.
Oh! But speaking of where they are in relaiton to each other... where are they? I know this bit is short, but if you'd like to make it even better you could take some time to describe the location and characters a bit. That would definitely give it some richness to accompany the romantic plot. |
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bunnie_i_am
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 2:51 am Post subject: |
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| Okay, I like it. It sounds a little like the Twilight series. I'm sorry, you really probably don't want to hear that, do you? I agree with the other folks, I would like to know his name. It really has my attention though, so keep writing! |
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Night Mistress
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 2:55 am Post subject: |
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Bunnie_i_am:
Yeah, but I knew it was going to be mention sooner or later.
Keep reading and you will find out his name. |
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Odette Gray of Poison Love. |
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Night Mistress
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 3:14 am Post subject: |
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Sleeping Valor:
is that better? i could see why you would get confused. |
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TL G-Wooster
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 7:41 pm Post subject: |
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Hi NM! Sorry this took so long in coming, and if this is bleary, blame it on the sinuses.
| Quote: |
| Aidan, my blood father, was ready to drain his blood and replace it with ours. |
By "blood father" I'm assuming you mean that he's a relation? If he is, then take it out and just say "father". If he isn't, then ignore me.
Replace his blood with ours? Who's "our"? I assume you'll make this clearer later on, but it might be nice to have an idea now.
| Quote: |
| "Yeah. Let's do it," he responded, eagerly. |
You don't need the "eagerly". His dialogue shows that he's raring to go.
| Quote: |
| "You have to be certain about it. Once it starts, there is no going back," I emitted, looking into his face. |
"Emitted" is really, really unecessary. Don't be afraid of said! It'll work just fine here.
| Quote: |
| "I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he crooned with love in his voice. |
As you have the ellipse, the tag drags the dialogue down. I'd take it out.
| Quote: |
| I sighed and closed my eyes. |
This could be just me, but the "sighed" part makes the narrator sound tired and kind of exasperated. It could be just me, but you might want to consider changing it.
| Quote: |
| He reached up and tucked some black hair behind my ear. |
Thanks to Spike Milligan, this can so easily become: "He reached up and tucked some black hair behind my ear. Whose hair it was, I've no idea." It's the "some" part that lets the side down. Perhaps you could make it, "a lock of black hair."
| Quote: |
| I opened my violet eyes and looked at him. |
While you slipped in the detail about hair colour very nicely, here it doesn't work. It's forced. It isn't essential for us to know her eye colour, so just leave it out.
| Quote: |
| I looked and nodded to Aidan to begin the process that would change our lives forever. |
*spooky music* Foreshadowing!
| Quote: |
| "Do it," I said as I laid a kiss on my love's hand. |
This would go better as, "Do it," I said, laying a kiss on my love's hand.
| Quote: |
| I began to pray that my love would come out of this safely. |
This would be better as, I prayed that my love would come out of this safely.
--
Short, but it made me curious. One thing though - her "father" is her love? Ew. I hope this isn't time for an incest alert. *reads the other reviews* Wait, there might be more than one person beside the narrator? Oy vey, muchly confuzzled. 
Try not to use too many whatyoucallthems. Adjectives. Describing words. Don't use them in tags unless you have a good reason.
/hypocrite. 
Try and make the whole situation clearer. I know you want to make us curious and asking questions and all, but too much ambiguity will just put your readers off. You have to be careful with prologues. I remember one time I read a book and really liked the prologue, but the first chapter dealt with a completely different person, so I stopped reading, because I'd liked the people in the prologue so much.
Keep writing! |
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Meep
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:29 pm Post subject: Re: Poison Love |
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| Night Mistress, edits by Meep wrote: |
"Are you ready, love?" I asked him, clutching his hand.
¶Aidan[1], my blood father[2], was ready to drain his blood and replace it with ours. It was a painful process that took over several days[3] to complete. Thinking about it made me tighten my grip on his hand. Aidan stood over at the side, waiting for my command.[4] |
Separate that into two paragraphs.
[1] Is it strictly necessary to name her blood father? Will his name matter again?
[2] Does blood father mean, like, biological father or person who turned her into a vampire? (Assuming she is a vampire, that is.)
[3] If it's any kind of ritual, making an exact number of days would intensify the ritualistic aspect of it. Pick a significant number if you want; seven, thirteen, twenty-one, forty ...
[4] Well, that's a pretty interesting relationship. Why is her father waiting for her command? Exploring that could be very interesting. (I'm reminded of the scene in Interview with the Vampire when Claudia demands that Louis make her a companion. Very creepy.)
| Night Mistress wrote: |
| "Yeah. Let's do it," he responded, eagerly.[5] |
[5] Eagerly? I can understand that he's ready to make this sacrifice, but I doubt anyone is ever eager to go through a painful process, even if it is for their own good. (It's like looking forward to going to the dentist.)
| Night Mistress wrote: |
| "You have to be certain about it. Once it starts, there is no going back," I emitted[6], looking into his face. |
[6] Emitted? No, just don't. You seem to have an aversion to "said," which isn't a good thing. "Said" is your friend; it becomes invisible, like punctuation. Save special words for specific circumstances. (Even if you insist on not using "said," I wouldn't go with "emitted." R2-D2 emits squeaks and whistles.
| Night Mistress wrote: |
| "I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he crooned with love in his voice.[7] I sighed and closed my eyes. I was ready to be with him forever, too. He reached up and tucked some black hair behind my ear[8]. I opened my violet eyes[8] and looked at him. I sighed again. I looked and nodded to Aidan to begin the process that would change our lives forever. |
[7] This is a little stereotypically romance novel talk. Is this similar to a marriage ceremony? If so, an exchange of vows or whatever might make it more interesting to read.
[8]This is a little info-dump-y ... and violet eyes throw up a red flag for Mary Sue-ism. Can it be done? Yes, but it has been done often but not usually very well.
| Night Mistress wrote: |
| "Do it," I said as I laid a kiss on my love's hand.[9] I began to pray that my love would come out of this safely.[10] |
[9]Why haven't you told us the name of the narrator's lover? I think that's pretty important.
[10] I think this scene could use some expanding. She's really worried about him, so why not actually show her praying for his safety? |
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