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lucyy
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 Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:32 am Post subject: Re: Poison Love |
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| Night Mistress wrote: |
"Are you ready, love?" I asked him, clutching his hand. Aidan, my blood father, was ready to drain his blood and replace it with ours. It was a painful process that took over several days to complete. Thinking about it made me tighten my grip on his hand. Aidan stood over at the side, waiting for my command. |
By this point i think you're only talking about two people: the narrator & Aidan. I think you should make 'his' presence felt a bit more if you get what i mean. Get the narrator to talk about their positioning so you know there's three people, not two.
| Night Mistress wrote: |
| "Yeah. Let's do it," he responded, eagerly. |
are you talking about Aidan or 'your love'? When i was first reading it, it wasn't that clear
| Night Mistress wrote: |
| "You have to be certain about it. Once it starts, there is no going back," I emitted, looking into his face. |
Is 'emitted' the right word to use? It makes me think of a train, maybe you should use a different word?
| Night Mistress wrote: |
"I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he crooned with love in his voice. I sighed and closed my eyes. I was ready to be with him forever, too. He reached up and tucked some black hair behind my ear. I opened my violet eyes and looked at him. I sighed again. I looked and nodded to Aidan to begin the process that would change our lives forever.
"Do it," I said as I laid a kiss on my love's hand. I began to pray that my love would come out of this safely. |
It was by this point, I was confused as i realised there must be more than one person, but I think if you clear that first bit up, make it clear that there's three people, then the confusion will be cleared! Also, i think if you changed 'love's' to 'Love's' it may give more of a sense of a person?
All together I think it's a great prologue & i'm going to keep a look out for the rest of the story!!
Hope you found this helpful,
Lucy xx |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 2:42 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there, sorry for the delay! Okay so my first impression of this is that it's short but then that's rather obvious and prologues are often short. The trouble is that even for a prologue, this needs to be longer.
"Are you ready, love?" [I think this would be a better prologue if you started with description. Give your reader some idea of who your characters are, how many of them there are and where they are before you have them speak. Set the scene a little and lay down the atmosphere.] I asked him, clutching his hand. Aidan, my blood father, was ready to drain his blood and replace it with ours. It was a painful process that took over several days [Be more specific!] to complete. Thinking about it made me tighten my grip on his hand. Aidan stood over at to the side, waiting for my command. [Try to avoid telling as opposed to showing. Instead, wait until the process is going to actually take place before describing it. Here you could simply write something like '...I asked him, clutching my love's hand. I was apprehensive and fear of what was to come caused me to cling to him desperately. Aidan stood calmly, waiting for my command and beside me my love sat, his body shaking with enthusiasm as opposed to nerves.']
"Yeah. Let's do it," he responded, eagerly.
"You have to be certain about it. Once it starts, there is no going back," I emitted [This doesn't seem the right choice of word. I'd suggest reminded or admonished or maybe even said you know? It's a good word to use.], looking into his face.
"I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he crooned with love in his voice. I sighed and closed my eyes. I was ready to be with him forever, too. He reached up and tucked some black hair behind my ear. I opened my violet eyes and looked at him. I sighed again. I looked and nodded to Aidan to begin the process that would change our lives forever. [There's too much repetition of 'looked' and 'forever' here and it's starting to sound a little too much like your average vampire story. What makes these two characters special? What makes them different to others? If you want your reader hooked, you're going to need to concentrate on characterisation so that they want to know more about your characters and their story together. Describe them more than 'black hair and purple eyes.' What sort of figure does the girl have? What shape is her face? An oval? Round and plump with childhood? Does she have a small button nose or a large, sharp one? Sloping eyebrows or elongated, elegant eyebrows? Think carefully about how to make your characters -- and story -- unique and loveable.]
"Do it," I said as I laid a kiss on my love's hand. I began to pray that my love would come out of this safely. [I think you need to replace that second love by 'he' or give him a name.]
_________________________________
Overall, this has some potential but at the moment I can't comment much because it's short and it hasn't yet had a chance to branch away and prove that it's not just your average vampire story. My main advice is add description and uniqueness! Give them some more unusual speech. Are any of your characters the type to joke around a little to break the tension in such a situation? Or maybe the type to be deathly serious. Think about who they are. |
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Merry_Haven
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 12:12 am Post subject: Poison Love |
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Night Mistress-
First of all it was a great prolouge that made me want more. Now who's speaking and who's eyes are we seeing it through? What emotions are shown through this vampire story? Maybe a little more in depth characterization could help. Overall it's great romantic, vampire story but hopefully it won't be like a average, cheesy, vampire story.
-Merry_Haven |
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Night Mistress
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 3:15 pm Post subject: |
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There. I have edited. I took some of the suggestion and I didn't. Please don't get offensive if i didn't use what you want me to. If you still find something wrong with it, let me know by pm me or leaving another comments. Maybe together we can smooth out the wrinkles.
NM |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 4:47 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, Brianna!
Okay, I did notice a few things in your edited post:
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| Adam sat down in the chair and we bound him to the chair. |
You say "chair" twice. Changing the second "chair" to "it" would work better.
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| I stayed by his side as Aidan, the one who change me, ready for the transformation. |
"changed" instead of "change" here.
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| It was a painful process that took over two or three days to complete, depending on the human being changed. |
I'm not sure how to explain it but the beginning of this sentence is sort of awkward. Try: It was a painful process that lasted two to three days... or something like that.
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| Thinking about the whole thing and other things made me tighten my grip on his hand. |
Too many "things"  Try: Thinking about the whole process and the nasty side-effects made me... or soemthing similiar.
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| "I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he said with love in his voice. |
"Love in his voice"? I'm not sure that is quite right...try compassion or something else. But I'm not sure "love" fits here.
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| I looked and nodded to Aidan to begin the process that would change our lives forever. |
You "looked" too many times. Try "glanced" or "peered"
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| "Do it," I said, laying a kiss on Adam’s hand. |
I think "announced" would work better rather than "said" here, just because it is such a big thing, you know?
Other than that, I found this very enjoyable. Again, you have a way of hooking the reader, even in the shortness of the prologue so thumbs up to you! 
Keep up the good work! |
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Night Mistress
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 5:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks. I feel better about the prolouge, like it stronger and it will draw the reader into wanting to read the story. |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 1:05 pm Post subject: |
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You've made some good improvements. Just two minor suggestions this time:
Adam sat down in the chair and we bound him to the it. I stayed by his side as Aidan, the one who changed me, ready prepared for the transformation. |
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andrew.j.m
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 7:22 pm Post subject: |
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It's really short, but it really makes me want to read what comes next.
I like how Adam is referred to as "Love" by "you". It shows that they probably have a long and good history together just by that nickname.
So now I'm off to read the next part because I can't this suspense. |
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jasmine12
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 6:40 pm Post subject: Re: Poison Love |
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| Night Mistress wrote: |
There. I edited it. If you still find something wrong with it, let me know.
Prologue
The three of us, Adam, my father, and myself were in the “turning room” as we so solemnly nickname it.It's cool and mystyrious that you didn't come straight out and tell us they are vampires, but only hinted at us...eerie. Adam sat down in the chair and we bound him to it with black leather strips strips? straps? around his wrist and ankles. I stayed by his side as Landon, the one who changed me, readied for the transformation.
"Are you ready, love?" I asked Adam, clutching his hand in fear. Landon was ready to drain his blood and replace it with ours. It was a painful process that lasted two or three days to complete, depending on the human being changed. Thinking about the whole thing and the nasty side-effects made me tighten my grip on his hand. maybe go into a little more detail about the side-effects?? or keep us guessing..that works too. Landon stood to the side, waiting for my command. I found it very appealing that my love wanted to be my mate and companion for my immortal life. Why would she find it appealing? Had they only known each other for a short time? Or was it just that they were inlove?
"Yeah. Let's do it," he responded. wouldn't be kind of flipping out? Maybe sweating ish? Go into some detail about that....kind of scary when being in a room with a few vampires haha.
"You have to be certain about it. Once it starts, there is no going back," I said, looking into his face.
"I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he said with compassion in his voice. I sighed in content and closed my eyes. I was ready to be with him forever, too. He reached up and tucked a lock of black hair behind my ear.if his wrists are bound, how could he do this? I opened my violet eyes and looked at him. I sighed again. I glanced and nodded to Landon to begin the process that would change our lives forever.
"Do it," I announced, laying a kiss on Adam’s hand. I looked at the cross on the wall and prayed that my love would come out of this safely.A cross? In the 'turning room' Kind of ironic...haha. |
Okay, That's all i really found. You've probably edited this to death, so obviously...everyone else has pointed anything else out that I haven't.
Well, Now I just have to read more...on I go!!
--Jazz |
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Night Mistress
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 7:20 pm Post subject: |
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| i have edited again. so readers, new and old, check it out. please. |
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Merry_Haven
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:49 pm Post subject: Re: Poison Love |
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| I stayed by his side as Landon, the one who changed me, readied for the transformation. |
Would Landon be her father or someone else?
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| Landon was ready to drain his blood and replace it with ours. It was a painful process that lasted two or three days to complete, depending on the human being changed. |
Talk about creepy and nasty.
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| "I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he said with compassion in his voice. |
Aww, how sweet.
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| I re-tie his wrist back to the chair. |
I think you're looking for retied. Just add the d at the end.
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| I looked at the cross on the wall and prayed that my love would come out of this safely. |
I do hope this comes out well.
Well, there was barely any grammar mistakes that I saw. Which is good and I only has a few comments.
-Merry |
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Night Mistress
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 5:20 pm Post subject: |
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Merry_haven:
Landon is her father. i changed the name from Aidan.
thanks for your feeback. |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 11:38 pm Post subject: |
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I’m here to look at your revised version of your prologue, and let me tell you, you did a beautiful job. The more and more you edited this, Bri, the better and better it gets. I love the new version. It is so much more descriptive and so much more appealing. Like, using names and having more details is so terrific.
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| I did what he requested. He reached up and tucked a lock of black hair behind my ear. I sighed again as he cupped my cheek gently. I re-tie his wrist back to the chair. I glanced and nodded to Landon to begin the process that would change our lives forever. |
This, however, was kind of awkward for me. I’m not really sure why but I think it was just how much detail you had in so many sentences. Okay, maybe try something like this: I did what he requested. Immediately upon being released, he reached up with his free hand and tucked a lock of my black hair behind my ear. Sighing as he cupped my cheek, out eyes met. He knew then that it was time. Re-tying his wrist back to the chair, I glanced over at Landon and nodded to him to begin the process that would change our lives forever. I think the main thing that happened was that you had too many “I” sentences. Hopefully this gave you an idea of how to work this.
Again, wonderful work on the rewrite! |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 3:19 am Post subject: |
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Hello!
Well since this was a only a prologue I won't be too harsh. This needs more descriptions. When this is the first thing a person reads, you want it to hook their eyes and make them consume everything. Luckily I am the type of person who will read anything that has a good title and a little love scene. (Hopeless romantic) You write good but a little bit of descriptions would make this even better. There were a couple of misspelled words but I'm sure you can catch them if you do a read through.
I'll continue reading and you keep writing,
-Angel |
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CJeanene13
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| Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 10:26 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, it caught me. There is the mistake "abnormally clam" so just the spelling. I agree with the above comments and expanding a little. It was very good so far. And I'm guessing that Landon is her so-called father? That kind of confused me. Also, when you say, 'I re-tie his wrist back to the chair.' Shouldn't it be in past tense?
Another thing, 'I sighed in content and closed my eyes.' I think it should say, 'My happiness gave through with a sigh, while my eyes closed contentedly.' Or even, 'I sighed contentedly and closed my eyes.' Just some simple things. Great job, though. I am really looking forward to reading more. |
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