Topic ID: 31427
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
ashleylee
You belong with me
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1208
Reviews: 692
Country: some place that I can only dream about
895 Points
|
 Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 9:29 pm Post subject: |
 |
|
Merry_Haven:
Yeah, this chapter was basically getting into the characters personalities and really trying to make each one unique. Carmen/Sophia's past will be cleared up in later chapters and the Nora/mother thing will be too.
Thanks so much for reading! |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
ashleylee
You belong with me
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1208
Reviews: 692
Country: some place that I can only dream about
895 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 12:15 am Post subject: |
|
|
| *edited* |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
Night Mistress
a lover of vampires
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 848
Reviews: 197
Country: USA
1856 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 8:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Ash,
soooo much better.
it stills make me mad that carmen and Nora aren't really helping Sophia's sitution.
i like the little detail you add about Sophia's past and Nora.
well, this and chapter 15 was all i can read today. i will read the others tomorrow when i have the time.
p.s.: let you know. i am working on chapter six now. |
_________________
"you are a Friend. nothing more, nothing less,"
Elizabeth Gray of Poison Love. |
|
| Back to top |
|
ashleylee
You belong with me
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1208
Reviews: 692
Country: some place that I can only dream about
895 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 9:51 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Night Mistress:
I can't thank you enough for taking the time to re-review these! I'm glad my writing is slowly improving the more I edit.
And I can't wait for Chapter Six! You keep on writing, Bri! 
Thanks again! |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
Angel of Death
Nano '08 Winner
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 868
Reviews: 407
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
1407 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 3:12 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey Ash,
I really like how this is turning out. Its leaning more away from the usual vampire stories which is good. I like how Sophia is not inhumanly beautiful and I love her emotions of jealously and remorse. You point out every human side of her, which makes this story all the more beautiful and unique. At first I was going to say that the way Carmen and Sophia made up was too abrupt and easy but then I seen how Carmen is still ignoring her, his love and affection and now he's turning his attention to Nora. Ha! I can kinda see Nora persuading Carmen to apologize to Sophia. This is a great story and I can't wait to continue.
Great Job and Keep Writing,
~Angel |
_________________
"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me |
|
| Back to top |
|
Jemima
Novice
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 24 Sep 2008
Posts: 14
Reviews: 7
Country: Australia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 4:52 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I really like you're story, it was imaginative and creative. |
_________________
“I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.” |
|
| Back to top |
|
ashleylee
You belong with me
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1208
Reviews: 692
Country: some place that I can only dream about
895 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 11:50 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Angel of Death:
Thanks!
Yeah, I really am aiming for unique and different, so if you ever notice anything that screams out to you "Twilight" or something like that, just let me know 
Thanks again, Angel!
Jemima:
Thanks for taking the time to read this, Jemima! I'm glad you liked it
I see that you're new! Welcome to YWS! Hope to see you around! |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
Meep(:
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 03 Oct 2008
Posts: 159
Reviews: 30
Country: Super Singapore!
113 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 6:20 am Post subject: |
|
|
Erm. I'm sort of confused.
Isaac is still alive?
Then who was Carmen talking about in chapter 1 where she killed someone?
Then now she's guilty about someone she killed?
O_O
I'm sorry, but I'm very blur... |
_________________
True friends are difficult to find, hard to keep and impossible to forget. Make new friends but keep the old; One is silver but the other is gold. |
|
| Back to top |
|
ashleylee
You belong with me
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1208
Reviews: 692
Country: some place that I can only dream about
895 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 5:17 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Meep(::
She's talking about a human that she killed in the past, not about Isaac. Sorry that was confusing. I'll fix that up
Thanks for reading! |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
KJ
The shortest answer is doing the thing
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 633
Reviews: 460
Country: USA
69 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 4:03 pm Post subject: |
|
|
CHAPTER THREE: I don't know if I'm tired or your writing is already improving, but I didn't find much in this one. Just try to avoid repetition, and you need more varying sentence structure. Right now you're telling more than showing. "I did this, and then this". Work on that.
I love your descriptions, though. And it's interesting how your MC isn't a Blessed one. It makes her more real, I think  |
_________________
I need critiques on my story Because: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36505.html
An author in his book must be like God in the universe, present everywhere and visible nowhere ~Gustave Flaubert |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
