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December Nights
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 Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 8:12 pm Post subject: Anger |
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Anger is orange.
It smells like smoke, choking and dry.
It tastes like hot coal, burning and bitter.
It sounds like a sonic boom, loud and deafening.
And it feels like fire, hot and destroying. |
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Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 10:56 pm Post subject: |
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I see what you've tried to do and you've managed your aim really well, but I think it could be expressed a little better.
I love your description here. It's great how you described anger as orange instead of the usual red. I especially enjoyed;
"It tastes like hot coal, burning and bitter"
as this was a really great and unusual description.
My one criticism is that, at present, it reads a little like a writing exercise. I'd take everything you have here and try to use it as imagery in a longer poem, e.g;
"Orange Anger in
her smoky veil
chokes the masses",
I'm sure you can phrase it better as it's yours so you'll already be able to see it in your head, that was just an example to show you what I meant. I'd try to be less direct. For example, instead of telling us that it sounds like a boom and is deafening, have it boom, have it deafen. Don't tell us that it's destructive; have it destroy.
Hope this helps.
Jas |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 8:04 am Post subject: |
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I agree with all of Jasmine's points here. I've seen your work before and although I always like it- you seem to take risks and don't stick to well worn themes, I never really love it that much. I'd firstly try and make this better by re-working the structure:
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Anger is orange,
like smoke, choking and dry,
like hot coal, burning and bitter.
It sounds like a sonic boom, loud and deafening
And it feels like fire, hot and destroying. |
So what I've done is attempted to make it flow a little better. Firstly, I've softened your harsh punctuation of short, sharp sentences. These small statements can be very effective in poetry but not if you over-use them. Poetry cannot survive on them alone. So I've added a comma, and tried to get you into more of a 'showing' mood but axing 'it tastes'. You see, the reader should know that you're talking about taste with the words 'choking' and 'dry'. The same goes for the next line.
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It sounds like a sonic boom, loud and deafening |
I loved that- really great.
My main problems were that you depended very heavily on metaphors in this piece. I didn't really feel like I gained a deeper insight on anger- just more statements that mean little to me. So make it more original- add imagery, weave your own personal thoughts and experiences into it, and show the reader more. We're quite a perceptive bunch, let me tell you. Anyway- you know where I am if you have any questions. Drop me a PM and I'll get right back to you.
Best wishes,
Eimear |
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carelessaussie13
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 11:48 pm Post subject: |
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| This definitely reads like a writing exercise. It is an excellent beginning, but I believe you can do better. It lacks motion. Show us how it moves, how it roils and coils and turmoils in the blackness, or how it lurks in corners and jumps on you, overpowering you, blinding you with short, deft motions. You make it whatever you want it to be. Taste and smell are good, too, but by showing us how it moves you put us inside anger. You almost, almost, make us orange anger itself. |
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Ringo_rules987
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 2:43 pm Post subject: |
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Anger is orange.
It smells like smoke, choking and dry.
It tastes like hot coal, burning and bitter.
It sounds like a sonic boom, loud and deafening.
And it feels like fire, hot and destroying. |
This is okay, but my main problem is it doesn't make much of an impact. It just feels like one stanza out of a poem. Perhaps you could expand off of this. Make a longer poem with different emotions. Like "love is red", or "envy is green" and expand off of those things. I do think what you have here is good. I particularly like the fourth line. Conceptually it's very good, but I feel you need to expand a bit more. |
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Suzanne
verbivore
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 3:12 pm Post subject: |
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Everyone's opinion before mine is great - so hopefully I can write a critique without repeating them. Consider my review just an extension of everyone else's words.
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Anger is orange.
It smells like smoke, choking and dry.
It tastes like hot coal, burning and bitter.
It sounds like a sonic boom, loud and deafening.
And it feels like fire, hot and destroying. |
You have a great idea here, and honestly, I can't say I hate what you have hear - but it's about execution. You're explaining what anger is, and the sense with it, but you have nothing beyond that - no power, no message, nothing for me as a reader to hold onto and latch to. Metaphors like these are great, but they don't make a poem, they give a poem beauty. You need to take these lines and make them into a poem. I also think if you gave a speaker, or a character, something the reader could relate to, it would work better.
When he hits me
I smell smoke and my lungs burn,
and when his hand rises to hit again -
my ears bleed from the sonic-boom smack.
It's not great, but it's an example. You have to give the reader more than just this. Metaphors, imagery, colors, what you have in this poem are all great things, and I actually love how the last two lines rhyme. But a poem is many things - I'm probably starting to repeat myself.
I think with all the reviews that have been given, you're spot on to know how to rewrite this. If not, feel free to PM me and ask any questions you have! I'll be as much help as I possibly can. Happy writing! |
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Whisperer
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 12:38 pm Post subject: This is my first review! |
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Loved the poem! It recalls me of my friend who loves to write poems almost the same as how you write yours. This poem has its own sense of creativity and its fun for me to read. Nice comparisons, by the way. 
Well, this is really the first review I made so I don't know what to do yet. But, I really love this poem. I could never come up with such ideas. I always write poems with rhymes and I will still take time to do that. Well, keep up the good work! |
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