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December Nights
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 22 May 2008
Posts: 38
Reviews: 25
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 8:00 pm Post subject: A Hug |
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To feel safe when he hugs me
The smell of his jacket
He looks downward at me and smiles
To smile back
To embrace and feel a warm feeling flow through me
I hate to see it end
To hold on tight while I can
In that moment of each embrace it feels like an eternity
An eternity that no one wants to have end
To know he feels the same way |
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Mad
Novelist
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Age: 16
Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Posts: 273
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Country: Petersfield, England
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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First off, you need punctuation. It is very important. Full stops are like a sudden blackout. Commas, a breath before you jump. They say things implicitly. Plus they make dividing your poem easier and reading it in turn easier.
It's rather sickly sweet.
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| warm feeling flow through me |
I said this in some other review recently - Creativity is a big part of poetry, as is personal expression. And you cannot find creativity and your own personal expression when using other peoples words, or in this case a well spread ideal of "that warm feeling".
It can work, given a certain context but that is neither here nor now. So don't read that as a rule but a guideline.
Well, I didn't much like this. Maybe not my emotional cup of tea but still what I see to be wrong with it is it doesn't offer me anything. Hugs are good is the starting point. Yet it isn't the hug is it? It's the person giving it. And I don't get much of the person who is giving it.
What interests me more than the warm fuzziness is the reason for it. It's a show don't tell combined with something original.
With some work it could become more enjoyable. But it's all over the place moving from hugs to eternity and returned feelings. All in 10 lines. Take some time and choose one tact, then don't use tired metaphors. It could be good. |
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Eimear
Has Electricity
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Country: Beside the sea, Ireland
370 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 8:59 am Post subject: |
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You seemed to have sacrificed certain aspects that are crucial for a poem's success in turn for trying to make this vivid and sound real. Did you experience this? I'm not entirely sure whether the poetic voice is strong enough for me firstly to believe them and secondly related to them. This isn't good. It's not a big thing if you haven't found your voice yet, seeing as your still quite young, and there are many things you can do to help yourself along.
I really would suggest reading poetry, however much you're reading now- double it. The Writer's society that our wonderful Nate has designed has a fantastic poetry database. My favourite poets are Plath, Frost and W.H.Auden, as well as an Irish poet- Heaney. But it's really up to you. Then I would experiment different poetry styles. Feel like you're stuck in a rut? Go free verse. Feel like you're too rough and ready? Try rhyming couplets.
I hope this helps,
Eimear |
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Demeter
Wait... what???
Speaker of the Forum
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Joined: 02 May 2008
Posts: 700
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Country: Finland
1370 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 10:54 am Post subject: |
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Hello!
Hmm... the structure is a little random. They are no clear lines or stanzas (of course, there doesn't always have to be), and there's no punctuation whatsoever.
I can sort of see where you were going to with this poem. However, it's too telling. You tell us straight that he hugs you and looks at you. Instead, you could try showing it to us. This is rather a difficult thing to do, but I think that if and when you read other people's poetry (i.e. Eimear's, her poems are very good), you'll maybe understand what I mean.
You could also smooth the words a little, and the lines, too. Read the poem out loud and you'll notice the places where you need a comma, more words, less words etc. The ending is abrupt and in some cases abruptness is a good thing, but not in this, really.
I hope you don't take my words as too harsh. Poetry is a funny genre, it's maybe the most difficult things of them all. There are many good poets here in our own YWS, just wander around and take a look on a poem here and there. This is only for your improvement. Good luck to you!
See you around!
Demeter xx |
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