Young Writers Society

Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 11:36 am Post subject: We; An Ode to Writers

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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. -Robert Bloch

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 11:49 am Post subject:

Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 2:59 pm Post subject:

Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 3:39 pm Post subject:

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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

-Oscar Wilde-

Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 6:02 pm Post subject:

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"I LOVE YOU, MELISSA!!!!!" -my best friends, Sarah and Brittany, yelling to me in the hallway and getting weird looks from people thinking we're lesbians when we're the farthest thing from it

Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 6:27 pm Post subject:

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Did I just run a green light?

Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 1:05 am Post subject: Re: We; An Ode to Writers

Mkay, this is a very, very, very long sentence. When it comes to grammar and punctuation and that sort of thing, you do the same in poems as you do in stories. To help out with this so you don't end up with commas al the end of every line break, take out the line breaks.

So:

We Who fly higher than the angels We Whose voice reaches farther than the wolves’ song We Whose courage is that of a lion We Whose wishes light up the night sky We Whose light shines like the sun We Who face the unknown inside us We With the pen and the page We With the words to fill them We The scribes of the human race

1. Caps.

2. Punctuation

3. Ending.

We, who fly higher than the angels, we, whose voice reaches farther than the wolves’ song, we, whose courage is that of a lion, we, whose wishes light up the night sky, we, whose light shines like the sun, we, who face the unknown inside us, we, with the pen and the page, we, with the words to fill them, we, the scribes of the human race

^^ You see? Much better. But read through it. Notice anything? It's a sentence fragment. A really long sentence fragment.

It reminds me of "We Real Cool" in the wording and rhythm, which is fin. It's just that "We Real Cool" wasn't a sentence fragment, and it had some punctuation. What about you?

The easy fix is to change the last one to "We are the scribes of..."

But the easy way isn't always the best way.You could also do it a different way, with periods instead of commas at the end of each thing. So:

We, who fly higher than the angels. We, whose voice reaches farther than the wolves’ song.

I personally like the second one better, so I'm going to roll with that. You can do what ever you want, though. Your poem.

We,
Who fly higher than the angels.
We.
Whose voice reaches farther than the wolves’ song.
We,
Whose courage is that of a lion.

We,
Whose wishes light up the night sky.
We,
Whose light shines like the sun.
We,
Who face the unknown inside us.
We, [I'm not really a fan of that line break... I liked how the stanzas all stared with 'we'. Maybe move this 'we' down with the next stanza?]

With the pen and the page.
We,
With the words to fill them.
We,
The scribes of the human race.

^^ Easier read.

Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 11:28 am Post subject:

I like the lonely "we" in the end; it kind of leaves the thought open to Us.

The ending is, indeed, a little abrupt. You could maybe expand the good idea of the poem and make it greater. But nice job, overall.

See you around!
Demeter xx

Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 7:22 pm Post subject:

_________________
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. -Robert Bloch

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 8:40 pm Post subject:

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Leopluridon '08: He Will Show Us The Way!

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