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Gahks
Tsar of the Subjunctive
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 Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 10:47 am Post subject: Park |
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Park
As the sun melts away
the last drop of slumber,
a once arid air
trembles with a torrent
of tongues. Flowers surrender
their leaves to the generous rays.
The sky swarms with a sea of
paper puppets. Ants
flee in fright as red-shirted
elephants trample the grass
glistening in the paradise.
A bench stands unmovable,
unoccupied amid the maelstrom:
a figure lunges forth,
seizes it.
He takes a breath,
plunges into the
vista that surrounds him;
his eyes follow the birds
bursting from their perches,
their feathers billowing high high high
into the blue,
as his mind melts
away towards the stratosphere. |
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kris
Senior Writer
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82 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 11:19 am Post subject: Re: Park |
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A very well thought out poem. Your clearly put a lot of time into your choice of words. The only problem is have with it, is that it does not flow smoothly and it lacks a definite and confident rhythm.
You just need to fix your layout a little. Let me show you what i think might help.
| Gahks wrote: |
Park
As the sun melts away,
the last,
drop of
slumber.
a once arid air trembles
with a torrent of tongues.
Flowers surrender their leaves,
to the generous rays.
The sky swarms with a sea of
paper puppets. |
I broke up your first sentence because i wanted to create the sense of laziness and relaxation which is denoted by "slumber", the fragmentation. SHOULD!  slow down the eye. therefore making the read a bit more varied.
Also your ending was a little weak, it lacked any meaning or conclusion. This surely is what the ending is meant to do: to reinforce your statement. This will certainly be remedied once you have figured out a pattern to your poem (the simpler the better).
Otherwise, very well done. Keep at it. I am no guru of poetry so disregard whatever i have said, if it is nonsense.  |
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SishBee
Ace of Hearts
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300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 10:31 am Post subject: |
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Hey,
I agree with Kris, that your structure is a little disjointed. That does emphasise the quite turmoil which is taking place in the park but it does make some of it a little tricky to read. I suggest you go through it and read through it allowed to see where you think it needs a comma or a new line.
Some of your lines need commas in them, but that will change the structure of the poem, so I will leave that to you.
Well done, a good poem and a nice read.
~SishBee~
x |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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500 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 10:36 am Post subject: |
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I agree with both reviewers; great ideas, imagery, the whole shebang is there- but now you need to order it into something a little more readable. Put in a rhythm firstly. I usually have a rhythm in my head before I write something, but it works just as well when you're editing. Count out the syllables of each line in your head and develop a pattern, a good scheme.
I would even suggest trying this into stanzas: if it doesn't work, it's an experiment anyway. However I loved most of this, this piece especially:
| Quote: |
A bench stands unmovable,
unoccupied amid the maelstrom: |
It's a cool poem though. The park seems like such an innocent place until I read this. I won't go walking alone one night in anyone soon....
Eimear xx |
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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
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