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The Space Between.
The Space Between.

by PenguinAttack in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Poetry

This thread was created on June 9, 2008
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My Thoughts Would Throw a Ceilidh

Topic ID: 31362
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Sapphire   View This User's Portfolio
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Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 19
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 232
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521 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 9:27 pm    Post subject: My Thoughts Would Throw a Ceilidh Reply with quote

I want my writing to sparkle

and to leap off of the page.

It would disco dance and backflip

‘til my reader was engaged.



Words would visit the thesaurus

and then right before my eyes,

they’d find their super synonym 

and metamorphosise.



To alliteration’s beatboxing,

syllables would bop about,

and while each phrase jigged into place,

punctuation would clap it out.



Whether stressed or laid-back,

words would work out to the beat,

and waltzing pairs of contrasts

would soon form their own conceit.



Different images collide

and find they can compare,

so similes and metaphors

soon glitter in the air.



Sentences would join together

in a lively conga line,

then, by themselves, form perfect

little groups of eight or nine.



My thoughts would throw a ceilidh,

reeling round my reader’s head,

then they’d zoom straight in their ears

and become their thoughts instead.



But some are only meant for me

and when back on Earth again,

my thoughts remain inside my brain

and I haven’t moved my pen.



I wish my writing sparkled,

I wish I didn’t have to think,

I wish the words would do it all themselves

and express my thoughts in ink!

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Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical
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Eimear   View This User's Portfolio
It ain't me, babe
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Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 644
Reviews: 314
Country: In the land of bogs and emerald green.
250 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 9:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think this earns a....

Bravo!

Seriously, very well done indeed. It captivated me, at any rate. Perhaps because I am a champion of loving a good, strong rhyme scheme. It's an art itself to master, and also intensely fun to write! Man, I loved this stanza:

Quote:
Words would visit the thesaurus

and then right before my eyes,

they’d find their super synonym

and metamorphosise.


Great- although is the last word a spelling mistake? I don't think there's an 'e' on the end....I am, of course not about to let you completely away with this without a constructive comment or two, so I would watch your rhythm in this. It wasn't a big setback in reading this, but to make it perfect, read it aloud and count out the syllables of each line, and devise a consistent pattern. The reader won't know what hit them, and it'll make those reviewers very happy indeed. Including me!

The theme was superb, and I was very engaged by the imagery and visual pictures of moment you created. The title was also great- as soon as I read it on the 'recent topics' board I had to read it that second. In Ireland we have lots of Ceilidhs and I love them. Sorry, you're probably thinking, get. back. to. my. poem. Eimear- and I shall!

The last stanza won it for me. All I've left to say is I've got very carried away by this and I don't mind it one bit. Well done.
Quote:

I wish my writing sparkled,

I wish I didn’t have to think,

I wish the words would do it all themselves

and express my thoughts in ink!


*Clicks Gold star

Eimear xx

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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

-Oscar Wilde-
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This thread was created on June 9, 2008

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