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Sonlen
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 Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 4:57 pm Post subject: Fragments |
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I only have this much so far, it can be found on www.freewebs.com/theringoftruth/fragments.htm
Sam could hear it gorging on the last unfortunate person dropped into the Pit, and she knew she almost her turn. She had studied the order of the Feeding, farthest cells to nearest. The last victims cell was just two left to her own.
How long have I been here? Sam asked herself, I do remember crying, and a dark room, but everything else is blank....
Well, time was irrelevent, all that mattered now was to get out of here, wherever she was....
The clanking of chains and scrape of metal against stone interrupted Sam from her quiet thoughts, and she saw the guard, a Graark, dragging a screaming prisoner from his cell. He stopped screaming when he noticed Sam, he was an old man.
The horrible humanoid guard looked like a pig, covered in bears fur, clad in rusting iron armor, in the arm that wasn't dragging the prisoner it carried a large rusty iron chain that it used to beat protesting prisoners.
"Please.... help..." he pleaded.
"I... I can't", said Sam quietly, tears already forming in her eyes. She looked down at the stone floor.
Once the old man was out of view, and a long time afterward, Sam sat down and cried. She cried for the old man, she cried for all the other prisoners, and she cried for herself, she would be fed to it by the evening. |
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Periwinkle
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 5:11 pm Post subject: Re: Fragments |
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I. NITPICKS
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Sam could hear it gorging on the last unfortunate person dropped into The Pit, and she knew it was she almost her turn. She had studied the order of the Feeding, farthest cells to nearest. The last victims cell was just two left to her own.
How long have I been here? Sam asked herself, I do remember crying, and a dark room, but everything else is blank....
Well, time was irrelevant, all that mattered now was to get out of here, wherever she was....
The clanking of chains and scrape of metal against stone interrupted Sam from her quiet thoughts, and she saw the guard, a Graark, dragging a screaming prisoner from his cell. He stopped screaming when he noticed Sam, he was an old man.
The horrible humanoid guard looked like a pig, covered in bears fur, clad in rusting iron armor, in the arm that wasn't dragging the prisoner it carried a large rusty iron chain that it used to beat protesting prisoners.
"Please.... help..." he pleaded.
"I... I can't", said Sam quietly, tears already forming in her eyes. She looked down at the stone floor.
Once the old man was out of view, and a long time afterward, Sam sat down and cried. She cried for the old man, she cried for all the other prisoners, and she cried for herself, she would be fed to it by the evening. |
I. OVERALL IMPRESSION
I liked this. It was really interesting and morbid and I think it was a good beginning. Just a few grammatical problems/nitpicks, but nothing major. PM if you add more! |
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Lady Pirate
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 6:14 pm Post subject: |
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I like this, it's good, but make sure to watch you grammer, but it's a good start.
I also feel like you are sort of on the middle mark, you know? It's dark, but I don't think it's morbid yet. Now that you have this framework, go back in, and add details, so it's more clear to us as the reader what you want us to get out of the peice, get it? Some ways to do this: great discriptions, edify diction ect. Make us feel what the Sam is feeling.
You have a great start here, make sure to let me know if you continue this.
LP |
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little miss military brat
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 5:55 am Post subject: |
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i think its a great start to what will be a wonderful story. a little more detail would have been nice, but that's just me. it didn't feel as dark as it should have. i mean, there were people dying and everything, but it didn't make me feel sad or fearful, like it probably should have done. i don't know how else to explain it.
i do look forward to reading more, though. i hope you continue with this story, it was still pretty good. |
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flytodreams
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 2:54 pm Post subject: |
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Hi,
I liked the idea of this piece, but like everyone said, even though it could've been really dark and suspenseful, it wasn't. Just try to describe the scene a little more, and go inside the character's mind more. Make her shiver, make tears stream down her cheeks, make her look around for any sort of way to escape...stuff like that would improve it a lot, I think. 
Nice job! |
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 8:23 pm Post subject: Re: Fragments |
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| Sonlen wrote: |
| The clanking of chains and scrape of metal against stone interrupted Sam from her quiet thoughts, and she saw the guard, a Graark, dragging a screaming prisoner from his cell. He stopped screaming when he noticed Sam, he was an old man. |
First off, the red comma up there is a coma splice. The comma is too weak to hold two complete thoughts together; use a period or something.
Second on, why would he stop screaming when he sees her? She's just as much a prisoner as he is and can't help him, he knows that. It could be that he's been drvien mad with fear, in which case he wouldn't stop screaming, just start yelling at her.
| Quote: |
The horrible humanoid guard looked like a pig, covered in bears fur, clad in rusting iron armor, in the arm that wasn't dragging the prisoner it carried a large rusty iron chain that it used to beat protesting prisoners.
"Please.... help..." he pleaded.
"I... I can't", said Sam quietly, tears already forming in her eyes. She looked down at the stone floor. |
The description, for one thing, came a bit late. At first I thought you were describing the man...haha. Sam should see the guard walk past her cell first, describe it then, and then see him coming back, draggin a prisoner. that way, there's not as much abstract confusion.
Also, if you use 'he' right after the description, it sounded like the guard was pleading...haha.
| Quote: |
| Once the old man was out of view, and a long time afterward, Sam sat down and cried. She cried for the old man, she cried for all the other prisoners, and she cried for herself, she would be fed to it by the evening. |
Another comma splice, mate. Or, you could put a word after the comma like, 'for' or 'as' or some other connecting word. That would solve the problem, too.
Hope I helped!! PM me if you have any questions!
~Vee |
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