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Gahks
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 Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 3:37 pm Post subject: Summer Heat |
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Summer Heat
The sun casts his eye
with contempt over the land.
I feel him surveying me,
stalking me, smothering me
in his arrogance.
His battle cry translates crushed ice
into cold water.
The liquid that floods my mouth
offers no shield from his
languishing shadow.
In the distance,
birds flap their wings in defiance,
unleash songs of triumph.
They have braved the onslaught and won.
A man tears apart his clothes
and basks in the rage.
He sweats off the severity
with a cool, collected radiance.
My eyes gleam in content
as the oppression slips away from my fingers. |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, great!
A couple of points:
- 'His battle cry translates crushed ice/into cold water'. I'm not sure 'translates' really works. It doesn't convey the ferocity enough, it's a little... the only way I can think of to put this is 'office-y'. There I'm making up words, but hopefully you can understand what I'm trying to say. The rest of the poem was just much better than that word. Bad alternatives could be 'His battle cry crushes ice/into cold water' or 'weakens crushed ice to water'. You'd think of something better, I'm sure.
- 'The liquid that floods my mouth/offers no shield'. Perhaps you could find a substitute for 'shield' that works better with the idea of water? Sorry, this is being very nit-picky because 'shield' is fine.
- 'My eyes gleam in content'. I think 'content' is only an adjective and you would need 'contentment' here. I liked the echo of your first lines 'The sun casts his eye/with contempt' here. Maybe you could go further and say 'My eyes gleam with contentment' to make it even more similar.
Anyway, enough of those picky points - here's why this poem was great.
Your images were clever:
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A man tears apart his clothes
and basks in the rage. |
The word choice was excellent:
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The liquid that floods my mouth
offers no shield from his
languishing shadow. |
And the personification of the sun really makes your reader feel it.
Well done! |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 4:39 pm Post subject: |
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I loved this! It's very graphic and sensual, I could feel the speaker's warmth and feelings of being smothered by the season. I especially liked the expert use of personification of summer- as a man. It's funny, because we always tend to represent elements of nature with the woman, of course 'Mother Nature'. It's like a total rejection of Keat's Ode to Autumn, who praises the season. Here you made me hate it.
Problems I found with it? Your metaphors could have been done better. Here's a tip- chose a well worn metaphor and play around with it if you are having trouble with making up completely original ones from scratch. And watch your language. Think outside the box and use different, cleverer words to describe the scene. It's like painting a masterpiece with a bad set of paints. It doesn't deserve it, and it would look, read and feel a lot better with better descriptions.
Overall, very good, a few things here and there could be changed to make it better.
Eimear |
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Mad
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 1:18 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this. It was a new slant on something and well described.
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I feel him surveying me,
stalking me, smothering me
in his arrogance. |
In his arrogance doesn't work. You've personified the sun and so you can go ahead and call him whatever you want but it doesn't connect.
"stalking me, smothering me" doesn't equate to arrogance. It equals some creepy obsessive character but it isn't synonymous with arrogance so it just falls short. If for example you said, "He was a nice guy. I hated him" well, it does work. Because they're direct opposites. Same thing if they're the same, it works. But if they're unrelated it just falls flat.
Also,
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My eyes gleam in content
as the oppression slips away from my fingers. |
Not so sure why the oppression slips away from your fingers. Just seems confusing.
So, like I said, I liked it. It was an interesting take on summer. On a more personal note (so something that doesn't really need to be taken notice of) I find the rage and tearing of clothes slightly over the top. |
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aestar101
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 2:14 pm Post subject: |
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| This is good. I really don't see any problem with it. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 6:26 pm Post subject: |
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Hola! I am Shiva, destroyer of worlds. Or, alternatively, Snoink, destroyer of poetry. But you knew that... I am just being silly. Anyway! Let's look over your poem, shall we?
The sun casts his eye
with contempt over the land. <--- I think this line calls for reordering.
I feel him surveying me, <--- Yuck, don't use surveying.
stalking me, smothering me <--- You see, if you chose a better word than surveying, you probably wouldn't have to clutter up the poem with more verbs.
in his arrogance. <--- Um... no. Bad word.
His battle cry translates crushed ice <--- Translates is a horrible word to describe this.
into cold water. <--- Warm water, more likely. But I would probably get rid of the adjective entirely.
The liquid that floods my mouth <--- This metaphor sounds ridiculous.
offers no shield from his <--- How can liquid floods in mouths offer shields? This metaphor does not make sense...
languishing shadow. <--- ...especially if it's shielding liquid floods from languishing shadows!
In the distance,
birds flap their wings in defiance, <--- Um... really?
unleash songs of triumph. <--- If it's hot enough, they don't sing. They have their beaks open and they just stand there, hoping that someone will put some water down in a pan for them. So it may SOUND good, but because it has no basis in reality, this metaphor ultimately fails.
They have braved the onslaught and won. <--- Yep. Epicfails.
A man tears apart his clothes <--- Tears apart are terrible words to describe this. You can use strips or a dozen other better words. This indicates he is destroying his own clothes... which may be the metaphor but, once again, as it has no basis in reality, it ultimately fails.
and basks in the rage. <--- See? Because you use "arrogance" I don't think "rage" is the correct word to describe this.
He sweats off the severity
with a cool, collected radiance. <--- Wait... he's radiating? This makes no sense.
My eyes gleam in content <--- the POV switch is weird.
as the oppression slips away from my fingers. <--- Um... how exactly does this happen? Bad metaphor.
...yep. Maybe that helped? |
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Ringo_rules987
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 7:14 pm Post subject: |
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This was very, very good. I have trouble saying anything negative about. What I enjoyed in particular about it was the unique representation of something so common. Describing the sun's heat as rage is quite effective and powerful.
There were a few lines that were better than others in my opinion:
| Quote: |
His battle cry translates crushed ice
into cold water.
The liquid that floods my mouth
offers no shield from his. |
Personifying the sun this way is genius. Love it, love it, love it.
I really can't say any negative things about it. |
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December Nights
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 8:10 pm Post subject: |
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| this is very visual, and image making is very good for this kind of a poem. i love the ripping apart of clothes line, it really does express the rage of the man. i like how you said the bird not only sang, but they sang a song of defiance. it is good poem for what it is, but the only hint as to why it is called 'summer heat' is because this is the reaction to the summer heat. you might want to reword the title just a tad if you are expressing the affects of the summer heat. but other than that you give very good analogies and imagery, keep up the good work. |
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