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Untouched ch 13
Untouched ch 13

by jasmine12 in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 8, 2008
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Chapter One of "Victims"
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deafwriter_19   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 12:37 am    Post subject: Chapter One of "Victims" Reply with quote

(Author's Note: I didn't know if horror fits in the Action/Adventure forum. This is a horror novel I'm trying to write. This is a bit of a prologue. Comments appreciated! Will write the first chapter ASAP!)

We took our most recent victims just last night.

They were a young couple, probably in their early thirties or late twenties. Took a long time to finally corner them. It wasn’t the longest act we’ve done, but it was close. It was about 4 a.m. when we started and it was morning when we finished. The thrill of the act is still tingling in me.

It isn’t as satisfying as it is to Jack and Jen. They’re in the bedroom now. I can hear Jen’s moans and Jack’s panting. It’s always noisy to me, no matter the size of the hotel room. The only time it was close to quiet was when I was sitting in my bedroom in a hotel suite taking up half of the top floor.

This is, of course, one of the Justice Acts. Jen’s cousin—one of our victims—had bullied her when she was growing up. The bullying only ceased, she said, at nineteen when Jen left to move to Texas. This was Jen’s revenge. Better to take away a bully to make one less evil person in the world.

In the station wagon, we thought about our next target. Then Jack suggested Hillock. It’s a small town bordering on the marshes in Louisiana. Jen and I agreed. Jen will wear the doll mask as usual, Jack will wear a plain white mask that he got from the drugstore and I will wear the cutesy girl mask. As usual. Sometimes I wish I could wear the doll one when I commit a murder. I tried it once a couple of weeks ago and it was a bit weird feeling. That mask must be custom-made.

Oh well, better to be masked than to be identified by a person that’s only wounded. Occasionally, there’s a lucky person who survives our acts and the person goes to the police or whatever. I enjoy it when that happens. Makes our next victims more wary. Of course, we do have to be more careful that time.

Anyways, when morning comes we’ll pay the bill and pack up our stuff and hit the road. I don’t think I’m going to sleep well in this motel if Jen and Jack keep their stuff up. Not that the motel isn’t that grand. I hope we can find a better one in Hillock.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 8:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hehe! This reminds me of the perpetrators' side of the story for some crime thriller like CSI. Cool? I think so. Very Happy

What you're going to want to do is to disgust us. I mean, this is horror. If I am not disgusted by the end of the scene, something is wrong. And by disgusting me, you're going to have to describe exactly what is going on in cold, very technical language. Sort of like a news reporter. Recently, Prok gave a link in his blog of some really horrendous act -- a young woman had been raped for 19 hours straight in a horrible, brutal way, and the news report was very factual and cold and that just heightened the disgust even more so that everybody who clicked that link, including me, was sickened by what had happened. So that's what you're going to want to do. Describe exactly how she was cornered and what they did to her. That will heighten the intensity, make it a real hook, and make us want to read more.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 12:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Snoink, it really needs the cold cut factual tone to pull of how terrible this is. As it is it sounds so normal and free flowing that people will just read it and accept not really catching the horror of it.

I like the references to acts, it should be an interesting read once you get going.

Maybe check out some of the news articles to see how they write out the details. It could help you in the long run.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 3:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
We took our most recent victims just last night.
They were a young couple, probably in their early thirties or late twenties. Took a long time to finally corner them.[I think you should re-word this] It wasn’t the longest act we’ve done, but it was close. It was about 4 A.M. when we started and it was morning when we finished.[Isn’t 4 A.M. in the morning?] The thrill of the act is still tingling in me. [b][Where did the kill the couple?
It isn’t as satisfying as it is to Jack and Jen. They’re in the bedroom now. I can hear Jen’s moans and Jack’s panting. It’s always noisy to me, no matter the size of the hotel room. The only time it was close to quiet was when I was sitting in my bedroom in a hotel suite taking up half of the top floor.
This is, of course, one of the Justice Acts. Jen’s cousin—one of our victims—had bullied her when she was growing up. The bullying only ceased, she said, at nineteen when Jen left to move to Texas. This was Jen’s revenge. Better to take away a bully to make one less evil person in the world.
In the station wagon, we thought about our next target. Then Jack suggested Hillock. It’s a small town bordering on the marshes in Louisiana. Jen and I agreed. Jen will wear the doll mask as usual, Jack will wear a plain white mask that he got from the drugstore and I will wear the cutesy girl mask. As usual. Sometimes I wish I could wear the doll one when I commit a murder. [This doesn't seem like something a murderer would say if they consider what they're doing justice] I tried it once a couple of weeks ago and it was a bit weird feeling [awkwardly phrased]. That mask must be custom-made.
Oh well, better to be masked than to be identified by a person that’s only wounded. Occasionally, there’s a lucky person who survives our acts and the person goes to the police or whatever. I enjoy it when that happens. Makes our next victims more wary. Of course, we do have to be more careful that time.
Anyways, when morning comes we’ll pay the bill and pack up our stuff and hit the road. I don’t think I’m going to sleep well in this motel if Jen and Jack keep their stuff up. Not that the motel isn’t that grand [I don't get this...]. I hope we can find a better one in Hillock.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 3:49 am    Post subject: Re: Chapter One of "Victims" Reply with quote

Hey deafwriter!
Here's my
deafwriter_19 wrote:
(Author's Note: I didn't know if horror fits in the Action/Adventure forum. This is a horror novel I'm trying to write. This is a bit of a prologue. Comments appreciated! Will write the first chapter ASAP!)

We took our most recent victims just last night.
They were a young couple, probably in their early thirties or late twenties. Took a long time to finally corner them. It wasn’t the longest act we’d ve done, but it was close. It was about 4 a.m. when we started and it was morning when we finished. The thrill of the act You say act a little too much for my taste. Try to find another word is still tingling in me.
It isn’t as satisfying as it is to Jack and Jen. They’re in the bedroom now. I can hear Jen’s moans and Jack’s panting. It’s always noisy to me, no matter the size of the hotel room. The only time it was close to quiet was when I was sitting in my bedroom in a hotel suite taking up half of the top floor.
This is, of course, one of the Justice Acts. Jen’s cousin—one of our victims—had bullied her when she was growing up. The bullying only ceased, she said, at nineteen when Jen left to move to Texas. This was Jen’s revenge. Better to take away a bully to and make one less evil person in the world. This paragraph felt a little rushed. Slow down
In the station wagon, we thought about our next target. Then Jack suggested Hillock. It’s a small town bordering on the marshes in Louisiana. Jen and I agreed. Watch your tenses. At times you're in the past and then you switch to the present Jen will wear the doll mask as usual, Jack will wear a plain white mask that he got from the drugstore and I will wear the cutesy girl mask. This reminds me of that movie The Strangers As usual. Sometimes I wish I could wear the doll one when I commit a murder. I tried it once a couple of weeks ago and it was a bit weird feeling. That mask must be custom-made.
Oh well, better to be masked than to be identified by a person that’s only wounded. Occasionally, there’s a lucky person who survives our acts and the person goes to the police or whatever. I enjoy it when that happens. Makes our next victims more wary. Of course, we do have to be more careful that time.
Anyways, when morning comes we’ll pay the bill and pack up our stuff and hit the road. I don’t think I’m going to sleep well in this motel if Jen and Jack keep their stuff up. Not that the motel isn’t that grand. I hope we can find a better one in Hillock.


Wow! Creepy! Here are some additional suggestions:

You were telling way too much in this piece. It sounded a lot like a diary entry. Unless that was your intention, I suggest you show us what's going on. Show us how you murdered them. Show us what it felt like to be the perpetrators. Show us why they did such atrocious things. All we know is that they committed a murder of some sort but the reason why and the act itself seems a bit ambiguous still.

I didn't find many things to correct for grammar, however, I would include a lot more description. ALso I would like to see what your characters are like. Your main character seems for psycho which is good for a horror story but I think you might want to elaborate on his feelings and thoughts and emotions. Show us!

Other than that, this was a very enjoyable read. I don't usually like horror, but this definitley seemed interesting. I like it when people tell stories from the POV of unusual characters!
Keep up the good work! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

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