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Sportgurl46
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 Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 11:26 pm Post subject: Bruises |
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I am really sorry for the misunderstanding, but this has not happened to me. I wrote this poem based off of one of my friends drunk father. Again, I am really sorry for any misunderstandings.
My body is a rag doll
as he throws me against the stairs.
I am in agony
up and down my body.
I taste my own blood,
and it's too vulgar
that it makes me noxious.
The aroma of alcohol
makes my stomach churn.
I can hear the neighbors.
They want so badly
to relieve me of my pain,
but are not brave enough
to face him and rescue me.
I understand,
but crave their help.
They're here
and they have taken my dad.
I hear them calling,
but I cannot answer
because my throat
is full of my own blood.
My legs have a searing pain
as I try to stand,
and it is so torturous
that I stumble back to the floor.
I don't believe I will make it.
When they find me,
it is too late. |
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Last edited by Sportgurl46 on Wed Jul 30, 2008 5:51 pm; edited 16 times in total |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:44 am Post subject: |
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I was reminded by another poem from this poem, and I just want to share it with you really quick before I begin with the critique. Why? Because I want you to know what other poets have written about drunk fathers.
SAY YOU LOVE ME
By Molly Peacock
What happened earlier I'm not sure of.
Of course he was drunk, but often he was.
His face looked like a ham on a hook above
me -I was pinned to the chair because
he'd hunkered over me with arms like jaws
pried open by the chair arms. "Do you love
me?" he began to sob. "Say you love me!"
I held out. I was probably fifteen.
What had happened? Had my mother- had she
said or done something? Or had he just been
drinking too long after work? "He'll get mean,"
my sister hissed, "just tell him." I brought my knee
up to kick him, but was too scared. Nothing
could have got the words out of me then. Rage
shut me up, yet "DO YOU?" was beginning
to peel, as of live layers of skin, age
from age from age from him until he gazed
through hysteria as a wet baby thing
repeating, "Do you love me? Say you do,"
in baby chokes, only loud, for they came
from a man. There wouldn't be a rescue
from my mother, still at work. The same
choking sobs said, "Love me, love me," and my game
was breaking down because I couldn't do
anything, not escape into my own
refusal, I won't, I won't, not fantasize
a kind, rich father, not fill the narrowed zone,
empty except for confusion until the size
of my fear ballooned as I saw his eyes,
blurred, taurean- my sister screamed- unknown,
unknown to me, a voice rose and levelled
off, "I love you," I said. "Say 'I love you,
Dad!'" "I love you, Dad," I whispered, levelled
by defeat into a cardboard image, untrue,
unbending. I was surprised I could move
as I did to get up, but he stayed, burled
onto the chair- my monstrous fear- she screamed,
my sister, "Dad, the phone! Go answer it!"
The phone wasn't ringing, yet he seemed
to move toward it, and I ran. He had a fit-
"It's not ringing!"- but I was at the edge of it
as he collapsed into the chair and blamed
both of us at a distance. No, the phone
was not ringing. There was no world out there,
so there we remained, completely alone.
^ So that is the poem. I was reminded by it because of the whole drunk father thing. In "Say You Love Me" it's obvious that the father is completely out of control and the two daughters are terrified. It is also apparent that this incident is going to scar them for life. He's taking advantage of his daughters and pinning them down, and it's quite horrifying because it seems like he's going to rape them, that he doesn't realize who they are. And it's just hugely tense and horrifying and we, the readers, get scarred by this poem. The conclusion is slightly horrifying. There is no world out there and they are completely alone. This works both in a physical sense and in a metaphorical sense. For this family, there is no world out there because they are trapped underneath their dad and forced away from the real world to tend their dad's drinking problem and apparent depression. And they are alone metaphorically because they seem to be separated from reality.
So yeah.
Now, to your poem! And before I critique your poem, I have to admit, I am going to be comparing your poem to the poem I quoted above. Why? Because this is your competition! And it is my firm belief that, when given competition, the ones who truly love writing, will rise to the top and succeed. So I'm really hoping that you ignore how mean I am being and try to live up to the best of your abilities. This poem isn't necessarily bad, but I want you to give it the chance to be the best poem you can come up with. 
| Quote: |
I am afraid to talk,
Afraid to walk,
Afraid to do anything tht involves going out into the living room. |
Show us why they are afraid. The poem I showed you shows you the terror, just with one read. Let us feel the terror in your poem as well.
| Quote: |
I know that he is there,
waiting for me to come out so that he can strike me once more. |
It would be more effective for you to show this, so we can really see the extent of her suffering.
| Quote: |
He has no idea the emotional and physical pain he is causing,
and he disregards the restraining order. |
Nor do we have any idea on the emotional and physical pain he is causing. Describe it to us so that we know.
| Quote: |
I have been unable to go to school,
Afraid of him picking me up,
Afraid of the day that has come too soon. |
Why would he pick her up if she has a restraining order against him? Plot holes!
| Quote: |
He is my dad,
But I wish that he would leave and never return until he has had medication for the poison he takes.
It is called alcohol,
and it tares him apart from the inside out. |
Now, if you showed us this from the onset, you wouldn't have to tell us this now. 
| Quote: |
| And now it does the same for me. |
This conclusion could be powerful... you just need to revise the whole poem above. 
Ay yay! Too much work! But I really hope you'll work on it. You can make this poem very awesome, I think. I mean, I know some people think abusive drunken fathers in poetry can be cliched, but those people obviously haven't read very much poetry. So I hope you edit this and make it a lot more intense and pretty. 
PM me when you have a new draft! I want to read it. |
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writ3rindisguis3
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 1:57 pm Post subject: |
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Oh my gosh. I absolutely love this. Even though the rhyming and tempo was off, I connected with it.
You explain what the alcohol does to the dad and the young person. That is awesome.
| Quote: |
I am afraid to talk,
Afraid to walk,
Afraid to do anything that involves going out into the living room. {Shorten this line?}
I know that he is there,
waiting for me to come out so that he can strike me once more. {Use a comma in this sentence. It will flow better.
E.g.
I know that he is there,
waiting for me to emerge.
Only to strike me once more.}
He has no idea the emotional and physical pain he is causing, {shorten?}
and he disregards the restraining order.
I have been unable to go to school,
Afraid of him picking me up,
Afraid of the day that has come too soon.
He is my dad,
But I wish that he would leave and never return until he has had medication{Shorten this sentence}
for the poison he takes.
It is called alcohol,
and it tares him apart from the inside out.
And now it does the same for me. |
You rhyme in the first stanza but all the others don't. Try making the whole thing rhyme or don't have it at all.
I love the emotion in this poem. Did/Is this happening to you right now? Just curious.
My dad was just like this. 'Cept he hasn't taken anything for his drinking problem. I wish he would though....
Anyways, work on this poem a tad bit more. It has great potential!
Peace out!
Becca |
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Livinginfantasy
YAY Violence!
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:47 pm Post subject: |
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Hello Novice!
First, I must say... Change the title. I feel it's too blunt. I don't know, I don't think it's really important, but just something to take into consideration.
Second, I need more showing. You say a lot of things, but I don't see it. Break out the five (or six?) senses! Explain, elaborate. Use metaphors and similes... you know, the good stuff.
Third, find some rhythm. It's very odd. It starts to rhyme, but then completely tosses it. Also, that one long line towards the end threw me off. It looks out of place. Try shortening it.
Okay, now on to what I liked!
The emotion... flawless. I feel you. I hear your voice. That was the best part.
And hey, if you wanna, go to my portfolio and read my short story 'Monster'. This kinda reminds me of it.
Can't wait for more! |
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laughingfreakx3
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 4:55 pm Post subject: |
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You should show and not tell more in the poem
You told everything and there was no showing in it
that would give it more spark
I read it and was board with it
You need to show and not tell
That's just me thought
I know nothing |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 6:08 pm Post subject: Re: Bruises (Drunkin Alcoholic) |
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Aha! It's been edited!
You're closer to achieving the effect you want, actually. Let's look at the poem, shall we?
| Sportgurl46 wrote: |
I am afraid for my life.
My father is a drunk,
and he never stops striking me. |
I think the main reason why you're disappointed with this stanza is that it really goes nowhere. To me, it seems more of a line geared for essay writing than for poetry, that is, you're trying to set up the reader for what is going to happen, very much like an essay. Except! With poetry, you get to thumb your nose at your English teacher and just write for the beauty of words. So get rid of this stanza! You've obviously been doing wayyyyy too many essays, LOL.
| Quote: |
I am bruised from head to toe,
and I feel the blood,
dripping from my head. |
...I've been trying to come up with a way to say this less sadistically, but I don't think it's possible, lol. Basically? I would be a fan of more violence. And that sounds weird, but it's true. Um.... yeah. Right now, you're telling us this, rather than showing. That is, instead of the reader seeing the destruction, we're only seeing the aftermath. It's a little hard for me to describe how exactly you can improve this abstractly, so let me show you a poem where there is a quite brutal beating:
THE BEATING
By Ann Stanford
The first blow caught me sideways, my jaw
Shifted. The second beat my skull against my
Brain. I raised my arm against the third.
Downward my wrist fell crooked. But the sliding
Flood of sense across the ribs caught in
My lungs. I fell for a long time,
One knee bending. The fourth blow balanced me.
I doubled at the kick against my belly.
The fifth was light. I hardly felt the
Sting. And down, breaking against my side, my
Thighs, my head. My eyes burst closed, my
Mouth the thick blood curds moved through. There
Were no more lights. I was flying. The
Wind, the place I lay, the silence.
My call came to a groan. Hands touched
My wrist. Disappeared. Something fell over me.
Now this white room tortures my eye.
The bed too soft to hold my breath,
Slung in plaster, caged in wood.
Shapes surround me.
No blow! No blow!
They only ask the thing I turn
Inside the black ball of my mind,
The one white thought.
^ Hahaha... um... yeah, I pick the oddest poems for examples. But can you see how brutal this is? This is a rather graphic description and it's extremely intense. The word choice is stark, the rhythm's all off, almost as if he's getting mashed up as he thinks of this, and it's just really well done. This is the sort of effect you want to do. Except. You have to include the drunken father. Which is going to be a challenge, but it sounds like it'll be a fun challenge as well. Your goal? To make a drunken father beating sound artistic! And that sounds really hard to do, but that makes it all the more fun.
| Quote: |
Will anyone save me?
Save me from the monster
That I am forced to call father? |
Actually! This stanza got a song in my head. And the poem (gasp!) is called, "Save Me" by Aimee Mann. You might have heard of it. Anyway, the chorus goes like this:
But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
...okay. So it doesn't quite work in poetry form. However! The one thing I like is that she doesn't specify what exactly she needs saving from. I mean, "the ranks of the freaks" doesn't really mean anything concretely to us. And I really do like this because she is pleading us to save her from something that doesn't exist, which is really a cry out for help for something that does exist. Add that to the haunting style of the song, and it's done rather well.
I think you can do something like this as well. If you revise the beating scene so that we can see her father doing it, then we'll know it's him. So if you call out for something abstract, it might really be awesome.
(Of course, it also, alternatively, may completely suck, but poetry is for experimenting, no? )
| Quote: |
People are here now,
They have taken my dad.
I hear them call for me,
yet I am unable to answer. |
I think this may be my favorite stanza in the poem. It's very stark, which I like, and I like how she is mute to any calls. I might dramatize it a bit more, just because drama is good, but see if it fits with your other revisions first.
| Quote: |
I don't think that I will make it,
but they found me at last,
They are going to rescue me from my prison. |
I don't know... the last line is a bit too convoluted. I would go for something a little bit shorter, like, "I am rescued." Just because pithy is good.
| Quote: |
I am well,
So I go with foster parents,
but the pain starts once more.
This time,
It's worse. |
Remember what I said about essays? Yeah... get rid of this. |
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December Nights
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 8:51 pm Post subject: |
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| i am so sorry this happened to you. i myself don't have a dad like this but two of my friends have a dad kind of like this. i feel bad that it took them so long to find you. but i would like to know more about it happening again. i like this poem a lot and it shows true emotion. or more than rather anger, depression, abuse, and savior. i like how you feel comfortable enough that you would choose to share this with a whole bunch of strangers, but i hope the people that found you in the poem was CPS, but i really, really, really, want a sequel to this one about the ones who are doing things to you now. you have my love, and i hope you make it through life with future perks. |
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Areida
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 9:33 pm Post subject: |
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Hi sportgurl!
Snoink is right - From what I've read quoted in the old reviews, to what you have posted now, you are definitely making progress.
Snoink seems to have covered most of your revisions, so I'll just give you my opinion on the last stanza:
| Quote: |
I am well,
So I go with foster parents,
but the pain starts once more.
This time,
It's worse. |
Talk about cutting us off!
You're telling us a story about the girl and her father, explaining the relationship there and how it works (or rather, doesn't), and finally, after all the horrible things she's been through, she makes her escape! And... and... then what?
Okay, so the foster care thing's not working out. Why? Was she placed with another man who's out of control? Is she struggling to adjust to her new life, even though it's better than the old? There's a lot here you're not exploring, and in the end, leaves the poem feeling deflated.
You have a lot of raw emotion to work with, so use it! Rather than sticking to standard phrasings or explanations, think of new ways to describe universal feelings - that's what will make a real connection with your reader.
Good luck!
EDIT: Oh, almost forgot - "Drunken" is with an "e," not an "i." |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 5:23 pm Post subject: Re: Bruises (Drunkin Alcoholic)-edited |
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Much closer!
This critique will probably be shorter, since you are definitely improving, and probably with less helpful advice, because as you get closer to writing a solid poem, the choices become more up to the author. What can I say? I can only do so much... in the end, it's all up to you!
Anyway, let's continue on!
| Sportgurl46 wrote: |
My body feels limp,
as I am thrown against a wall.
I am bruised head to toe,
and I feel the blood,
dripping down my face. |
Maybe add in some description of alcohol? Like, maybe adding a line somewhere of how overpowering the smell of alcohol is, except worded more prettily? That way, we have an idea of what's happening.
| Quote: |
I need to be saved.
Saved from my prison.
Saved from the monster,
Whom I call father. |
I would rather have a stanza about the authorities coming in or something, so you can transition between her being beaten and her being rescued. I'm not sure if this means you have to delete this paragraph, but you're definitely going to want to add some sort of transition.
| Quote: |
People are here.
They have taken my dad.
I reach out,
Hoping they will see me.
I hear them calling for me,
but I cannot answer. |
This stanza doesn't quite make sense yet. I mean, reaches out (physically or... another way?), but she cannot answer? So it's slightly confusing and I'm not sure whether she reaches out in an abstract way or in a concrete way. So you're definitely going to want to clear that up.
| Quote: |
I don't believe I will make it.
But they find me at last.
I have been rescued. |
LOL, it looks like my last suggestion didn't work... sorry about that. It seems... not very dramatic. I mean, there are too many contradictions in that one stanza, so it looks like the narrator is being wishy-washy, and that's totally not the effect you're going for. Try making it as dramatic as you can... I want to see what you can come up with. It'll probably be better than what I can. XD |
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Livinginfantasy
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 6:19 pm Post subject: |
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Ahh...
Much better. You still need help in showing- giving visuals to your reader- but you have the right structure down and I still hear your voice. Much better indeed.
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 9:06 am Post subject: |
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Hullo kiddo.
“My body is a rag doll,”
- I think you can drop the comma here.
“dripping down my face,”
- I think you can lose this line. It doesn’t add so much, and I love the flow without it.
“I can here the neighbors.”
- “Hear”
“They want to help,
but are too afraid,
to come to my rescue.”
- I think you might want to re-arrange this a little? I like what it’s saying but the line breaks and what you have could be slightly refined. Perhaps simply “still too afraid to come to my rescue”?
“People are here.
They have taken my dad.
I hear them calling,
but I cannot answer.”
- These three statements lack a bit of flow. Perhaps work with something like “They (I disliked the use of “people” merely because I like the ambiguity of “they”) are here/taking my dad and calling my name/but I cannot answer.”
“My legs burn and ache,
as I try to stand,”
- Slight rearrange to “my legs burn/aching as I try to stand” – make it longer but likes the flow better.
"and when they find me,
it is too late."
- The sentence before this had a full stop, so you’ll want this to start with a capital letter. I think I’d like to see the first line of this last stanza as part of the one before it. And have this separate, on its own for impact. Then merely delete the “and” here capitalize the “When” and I think you’ve a stronger ending.
I liked this, Sportster.
I can see the improvements you’ve made and while I think there’s just that little bit more you can work on, your progress is really impressive and I like what you’ve done with the poem. Hit me up if you have any questions, or want another crit from me or whatever, or even just want to chat. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:07 am Post subject: |
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There's a good, strong theme behind this and from what I can see, you've made some great improvements. I'd love to see you use a little more imagery though and I think you could strengthen the emotion. You need to really make us feel for this narrator.
| Quote: |
My body is a rag doll,
as I am thrown against the stairs.
I am bruised head to toe, [This line throws me off a little because 'bruised head to toe' is quite a common saying and something I associate with my friends laughing and joking about their bruises. It doesn't feel like a serious line to me. I'd love it if you could describe the bruising instead - how's it look? Where is it? How's it feel? I'd suggest something like 'My legs are already bruising,/ purple ships cruising down my flesh.' I'm sure you can think of something that's much more personal to yourself but think it through, use your imagination. Have a look through your poem and see what other lines you might be able to expand too; include more description and really set the atmosphere.
I taste the blood, [How's it taste?]
dripping down my face,
And the aroma of alcohol,
makes my stomach weak. |
In the next stanza, I think the second half could be stronger:
| Quote: |
but are too afraid, [What does fear feel like? Does she feel bitter towards them for being too afraid or can she understand it because of her own fear?]
to come to my rescue. |
| Quote: |
People are here.
They have taken my dad.
I hear them calling,
but I cannot answer. [Maybe describe why she can't answer. Maybe her mouth is swollen from being hit or her throat is dry from thirst. I don't know so tell me. Tell me what's happening and has happened to her.]
My legs burn and ache,
as I try to stand,
but I stumble back to the floor. |
I hope this gives you a few ideas, keep up the good work! |
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Gahks
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 2:30 pm Post subject: |
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Hey sportgurl!
Firstly, I'd like to applaud you for trying to tackle a deep and emotional subject. "Bruises" is a much better title than "Drunk Alcoholic" - the latter simply gives too much away.
You have some lovely images:
"My body is a rag doll"
But in some places, you use too many passives. We as readers feel detached from the action because you, the author, are telling us about the action, not showing it. Rewriting the first stanza as an example:
"My body is a rag doll,
as he throws me against the stairs.
He leaves me throbbing,
bruising all over.
I taste the blood (wonderful sensory imagery here; you don't need the comma)
dripping down my face;
the aroma of alcohol
cripples my stomach."
By replacing passive constructions and things like "he made me do such and such" with active verbs, we are producing much more active writing. As a result, the reader is pulled straight into the action. In other words, this is SHOWING, not telling (or SDT, as one author often puts in manuscripts).
We can also apply this to the second stanza:
"I can hear the neighbours
calling from afar.
I imagine them
standing stone dead,
helpless in frozen agony."
You could also do with brushing up on your spelling and grammar, although you can easily resolve this using a spellchecker and proofreading your work once you're done.
All in all, a good start - this really has potential. Well done!
7/10 |
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C.J. Mustang
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:27 am Post subject: |
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Ok, I thought this had a heck of a lot stronger voice than 'Stronger', but I saw some mistakes that I recommend you fix:
| Quote: |
My body is a rag doll<--I like your imagery here.
as he throws me against the stairs.
I am in agony <
up and down my flesh. <don't really understand your imagery here, though. 
I taste my own blood,
and it is so vulgar
that it makes me noxious.<--that's some funny spelling, isn't it?
The aroma of alcohol, <--no comma if it's apart of
makes my stomach churn. <--this sentence
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They are here
and they have taken my dad.
I hear them calling,
but I cannot answer
because my throat
is full of my own blood.
My legs have a searing pain<--kind of funny sounding; maybe reword it?
as I try to stand,
and it is so torturous
that I stumble back to the floor.
I don't believe I will make it.
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~Jacob Black
"Run baby, run, don't ever look back." Check Yes Juliet by We The Kings |
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BigBadBear
Pokémon! Gotta catch 'em all!
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 12:41 am Post subject: |
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Hey, there! It looks like you have a lot of critiques. lol. I'll do my best to make it up to par with the rest.
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I am in agony
up and down my flesh.
I taste my own blood,
and it is so vulgar |
The pulse here is off. And flesh definitely isn't the right word. Body would work even better. The last line, "and it is so vulgar" sounds very... strange. How about, "And it's ________ vulgar." In the ______, you need to find a two syllable word to keep the beat.
They're here sounds better
Awh. This is so sad. It's even sadder when you realize that millions of kids are going through this. I'm no expert on poetry, so I can't give like these huge critiques you're getting. I'll just leave this as it is. It's really, really good. I love it.
-Jared |
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