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Needles and Roses - Chap. 8
Needles and Roses - Chap. 8

by KJ in Advanced Critiques
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on June 8, 2008
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Powers ::1::
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Powers ::4::

Powers ::3::
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Raimunda   View This User's Portfolio
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Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 26 Nov 2007
Posts: 57
Reviews: 20
Country: ENGLAND!! WOOP. the land of the tea.
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:59 pm    Post subject: Powers ::3:: Reply with quote

A.N My third character, Subject 4. I've tried to make all the characters really different to each other. This has to be one of my favourites. I like his power.

"Tom, I'd like you to look around, and count how many you can see in this room." the Doctor spoke calmly and clearly.

Tom raised his head, and peered around the room.

"Ten."

Dr Markus nodded, and noted something down in his notepad. Tom shifted uncomfortably in his chair, looking around the room; he noted how ugly it was, with the white wash walls and plastic furniture. The entire institution was the same. It just made a depressing place even more depressing.

"Okay, Tom. Now, where are they?"

"There's one behind you," Tom replied, "And three by the window. Two of them are laughing at the painting on the wall, the one of the old man on the swing. One is sat leaning against the far wall, and another two are by the bookcase. One of them is pulling faces behind your back."

The Doctor shirted uncomfortably, and jotted something else down in his notepad.

"Okay. Okay. Yes, that's all for today, Tom, you can go back to your room."

Tom stood up quickly, and left the room. He found his sister, Sarah, waiting in the white corridor outside.

"When are you getting out?" she asked him, instantly.

Tom shrugged. "Never." He walked quickly down the lino floor of the hallway, and Sarah ran to catch up.

"Seriously, Tom, I can't be doing with you in this Mad House any longer, its freaky. I don't get why you're even doing it. You know full well you aren't insane."

"I know I'm not insane."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "So if you aren't insane, why don't you just say something and get the hell out of here? Why bother staying in a Mental home when you aren't mental?"

"You don't understand."

"No, Tom, I don't! You expect me to understand that you think you can see dead people? How could I possibly understand that?"

"I didn't say you would."

Sarah grabbed his shoulders as he started walking away from her. She looked at him angrily, eyes blazing, her black hair tied back into a high ponytail. He stared back steadily, with the same grey eyes, his own black hair cropped short.

"Tom, this is not fair. Mum is going crazy, and Dad hasn't come home from work for about three days. This stupid stunt you're pulling, it's ripping out family apart, and its not funny."

Tom pulled away. "You think I meant that to happen?"

Sarah bit her lip.

"You think I want this? I can't help it, Sarah, it's just who I am! I was happy to stay at home, I know there's nothing wrong with me. It wasn't my choice to come here, it was Mum and Dad's. I'm not trying to make things hard, but it's not my fault that none of you believe me. I can see them, they're everywhere, hundreds and thousands of them, millions, and the only thing I ever did wrong was to be able to. It's not my fault you can't."

She shook her head. "I don't get you. I don't get you at all." He voice raised, as she flapped her arms through the air, "look, here I am, how come I can't feel anything? If this whole place if full of the dead, how come I can't feel them?"

Tom didn't reply, and Sarah glared at him.

"I really hate you, Tom," was all she said, before she walked away from him.

"I'm sorry, Sarah," he called after her. She shot him a v, and he watched as she swung the doors at the end of the corridor. They slammed shut after her.

Slowly, he walked down the corridor, apparently alone, but in reality, accompanied by just a couple of people, who whispered to him soothing words. It seemed to Tom that the only people who cared about him, were dead.


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Last edited by Raimunda on Mon Jun 09, 2008 12:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 9:41 pm    Post subject: Re: 1.2.3.4.5.6 ::3:: Reply with quote

Hey Raimunda! Welcome to YWS! You're post looked kind of lonley Sad

Anyways here's my crit key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Words/sentences/punctuation that I've inserted.
Raimunda wrote:
A.N My third character, Subject 4. I've tried to make all the characters really different to each other. This has to be one of my favourites. I like his power.




"Tom, I'd like you to look around, and count how many How many what? you can see in this room." the Doctor spoke calmly and clearly.

Tom raised his head, and peered around the room.

"Ten."

Dr Markus nodded, and noted something down in his notepad. Tom shifted uncomfortably in his chair, looking around the room; Period instead of a semicolon. He noted how ugly it was, with the white wash walls and plastic furniture. The entire institution was the same. It just made a depressing place even more morbid depressing.

"Okay, Tom. Now, where are they?"

"There's one behind you," Tom replied, "And three by the window. Two of them are laughing at the painting on the wall, the one of the old man on the swing. One is sat leaning against the far wall, and another two are by the bookcase. One of them is pulling faces behind your back."

The Doctor shifted uncomfortably, and jotted something else down in his notepad.

"Okay. Okay. Yes, that's all for today, Tom, you can go back to your room."

Tom stood up quickly, and left the room. He found his sister, Sarah, waiting in the white corridor outside.

"When are you getting out?" she asked him, instantly.

Tom shrugged. "Never." He walked quickly down the linoleum floor of the hallway, and Sarah ran to catch up.

"Seriously, Tom, I can't be doing I didn't really understand this sentence. Rewrite it to make it more clear. What can't she be doing? with you in this Mad House any longer, it's freaky. I don't get why you're even doing it. You know full well you aren't insane."

"I know I'm not insane."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "So if you aren't insane, why don't you just say something and get the hell out of here? Why bother staying in a Mental home when you aren't mental?"

"You don't understand."

"No, Tom, I don't! You expect me to understand that you think you can see dead people? How could I possibly understand that?"

"I didn't say you would."

Sarah grabbed his shoulders as he started walking away from her. She looked at him angrily, her eyes blazing, her black hair tied back into a high ponytail. He stared back steadily, with the same grey eyes, his own black hair cropped short. Twins?

"Tom, this is not fair. Mum is going crazy, and Dad hasn't come home from work for about three days. This stupid stunt you're pulling, it's ripping our family apart, and it's not funny."

Tom pulled away. "You think I meant that to happen?"

Sarah bit her lip.

"You think I want this? I can't help it, Sarah, it's just who I am! I was happy to stay at home, I know there's nothing wrong with me. It wasn't my choice to come here, it was Mum and Dad's. I'm not trying to make things hard, but it's not my fault that none of you believe me. I can see them, they're everywhere, hundreds and thousands of them, millions, and the only thing I ever did wrong was to be able to acknowledge them This sentence was incomplete. I tried to fix it but if you didn't like what I did, you don't have to use it . It's not my fault you can't."

She shook her head. "I don't get you. I don't get you at all." He voice raised, as she flapped her arms through the air Sounded a little out of place , "look, here I am, how come I can't feel anything? If this whole place if full of the dead, how come I can't feel them?"

Tom didn't reply, and Sarah glared at him.

"I really hate you, Tom," was all she said, Take out this comma before she walked away from him.

"I'm sorry, Sarah," he called after her. She shot him a v I think you meant vicious glance but you didn't finish it , and he watched as she swung through the doors at the end of the corridor. They slammed shut after behind her.

Slowly, he walked down the corridor, apparently alone, but in reality, accompanied by just a couple of people, who whispered to him soothing words. It seemed to Tom that the only people who cared about him, were dead.


Overall Comments:

Wow!
This was great! I loved it! Your characters kick butt and your story seems very interesting. All th things that I pointed out were just nitpicks. I would like you to describe the scene a little more because I had trouble picturing exactly what was going on. Also, why was his sister there? Did she come to pick him up/ how did she get in? Just watch out for your comma placement and also finishing your thoughts. There were a couple of sentence fragments that I fixed.

Also, I think you might get more reviews on this fantastic piece if you change the title. It's a little too overwhelming with all the numbers.

Other than that, well done! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

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