Topic ID: 31278
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tennisprincess
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Age: 13
Joined: 03 Apr 2008
Posts: 118
Reviews: 90
Country: Vagonia Land
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:18 am Post subject: Waiting to Cross the Tide.. |
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NOTE: Constructive criticism desperately needed as I am entering this in a major poetry contest. Please give me your feedback and I shall return the favor.
"Let's go somewhere;
The tide can take us there."
Away from an industrious city
Where no one subsists like us--
The witty.
You sigh for a paradigmatic paint
As I remain in my moratorium state.
We both wait for simply one thing
To create.
Tall, irrelevant buildings towering.
Lower than the media are intelligent people,
It's just easier to turn on the news.
Our very existence persists at on-the-go,
Yet we've heard of war in Iraq, global warming and the end of the show.
You thinking by now one of the "intelligent" people would have spied;
No, they choose to remain oaf-eyed.
It seemed just yesterday I could have unrestrainedly cried,
But it seems I can only do that at the end of the playful tide.
There is the downhearted
As everything here is so uncharted,
In the world across the tide.
You can search it
But you won't find anything;
Unless you possess
A creative mind,
Ready to believe.
I slip my flawed feet
Into the crystal shore.
I'm ready;
I want something more.
I take your flowy hand
As we fall blatantly away
And I believe so strongly in all these thoughts I want to say.
The "intelligent minds" can't harm us here
As love and free speech are far too near.
In the middle of the crushing, inspiring ocean
The presence meaning.
You speak it again:
"Let's go somewhere
The tide can take us there."
Suddenly everything seems so fair. |
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Well, there isn't a whole lot to say... So I'll just hypnotize you and steal your cookies now..
Last edited by tennisprincess on Sun Jun 08, 2008 11:16 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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C.J. Mustang
Senior Writer
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Apr 2008
Posts: 167
Reviews: 34
Country: Somewhere deep inside my head, where I can't get out...
440 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 3:09 am Post subject: |
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um, I thought this poem was kind of confusing. there are too many big words, in my opinion.
| Quote: |
You can search it
But you won't find <--Anything
Anything, unless you possess
A creative mind,
Ready to believe.
*****
I slip my flawed feet
Into the crystal shore. (onto)
I'm ready;
I want something more.
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other that that, I thought it was okay. |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
Speaker of the Forum
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Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 642
Reviews: 313
Country: In the land of bogs and emerald green.
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 9:57 am Post subject: |
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Okay, let's jump straight in!
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"Let's go somewhere;
The tide can take us there."
Away from a repetitious city
Where no one subsists like us--
The witty.
You sigh for a paradigmatic paint
As I remain in my moratorium state.
We both wait for simply one thing
To create.
Tall, irrelevant buildings towering.
Subordinate to the media refuse are intelligent people,
It's just easier to turn on the news.
Our very existence persists at on-the-go,
Yet we've heard of war in Iraq, global warming and the end of the show.
You thinking by now one of the "intelligent" people would have spied;
No, they choose to remain oaf-eyed.
It seemed just yesterday I could have unrestrainedly cried,
But it seems I can only do that at the end of the tide.
There is the downhearted
As everything here is so uncharted,
In the world across the tide.
You can search it
But you won't find
Anything, unless you possess
A creative mind,
Ready to believe.
I slip my flawed feet
Into the crystal shore.
I'm ready;
I want something more.
I take your flowy hand
As we fall away
And I believe so strongly in all these thoughts I want to say.
The "intelligent minds" can't harm us here
As love and free speech are far too near.
In the middle of the crushing, inspiring ocean
The presence meaning.
You speak it again:
"Let's go somewhere
The tide can take us there."
Suddenly everything seems so fair.
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1. Theme--> Is very jumpy and unfocused in this poem. The true beauty of poetry is to use the feelings of yourself- and it's the intensity of those feelings that reaches out to the reader and pulls them in, whether they like it or not. It's called human nature. We care about characters in literature. But why do we care? Let's use a few examples. We care about the orphan in 'Oliver Twist' because he is a kind hearted boy in a unjust society. We care about Holden Caulfield in the 'Catcher in the rye' because he is honest and truthful and connects with the reader. In moments in this you connected, but you didn't hold it for long enough. I understand that creativity is probably the backbone of this- and I probably spotted because I long to create things. At other times I am left confused.
2. Use of Language--> Again, poetry is about language, thought, speech. However language in everyday life is effortless, we talk and listen like breathing. Some words in this piece are blatantly being used to try and impress the reader. You're not trying to impress the reader, you're trying to move them. Over complication will alienate your audience.
3. Simplicity Vs Depth--> The trick is to balance these out. In some places, especially the stanza or section that I've highlighted is brilliant. It really is. In other places you lose your rag a bit. Try not to let it go.
4. Metaphor--> I'm not in a huge uproar about the metaphor of an ocean, but I think to make it original and to make it stand out in the competition that you will need to add something to it. A verb, a colour, a description of what 'the tide' looks like. How do you feel about crossing that tide?
I hope this helps, because I really really liked this, and I want it to do well.
Best wishes,
Eimear |
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-Oscar Wilde- |
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elephantwalrus
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Age: 16
Joined: 14 Mar 2007
Posts: 174
Reviews: 138
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 8:14 pm Post subject: |
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Overall, I agree with what has already been said, but I do have a couple things to add:
1. The rhythm of the poem seemed non-existent. The lack of flow distracts the reader and makes the poem hard to read.
2. The rhyme did not fit the theme of the poem. The topics you are addressing are solemn, and the rhymes take away the solemnity of the poem. Without rhyme, you could choose the best word to describe the thoughts you are trying to portray, instead of the one that rhymes.
3. Make it short and sweet. Compacting a thought into a little space of well chosen words is insanely difficult, but the result can be very satisfying. If you make this piece shorter, you will lessen the danger of rambling (which you kind of do in it, presently) and it will leave more of an impression on the reader (in your case, the judges).
All in all, you have some great ideas here. My biggest suggestion would be choose rhythm over rhyme; a poem needs rhythm or cadence to be a poem, but it doesn't need rhyme. I hope I've been of some help. Good luck in the contest! PM me if you win, or if you have any questions!
River |
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RandomGrrl
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Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 86
Reviews: 45
Country: Wherever the Cheese, thus shall I follow.
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 12:07 am Post subject: |
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Hey girl! Here for a crit... since you said you wanted ideas, I'm going to try and inspire rather than poem-bash or shred.
This line:
I take your flowy hand
"flowy" really must go. It doesn't fit, and when you already have all this great flavor with your word usage, why dull up this line with an incorrect term? Why not use a stronger word to describe the hand? The speaker is trusting this hand to guide them, to hold them, to be something they can grasp and lean on? Why not explain those elements?
I definitely agree with River- unless rhyming is a necessity, I'd recommend you lose it. It weakens the more imposing elements of your poem. The strength that's there is restricted through rhyme... An analogy would be: When your heart beats harder, and your lungs are on fire, don't you feel like you're ribs are keeping them trapped inside you? It feels like the heart of this poem is trapped behind the ribs of rhyme.
Another thing River totally got right: rhythm. If you give this some good rhythm, it'll be more effective, easier to read, more enjoyable, and also your message will deliver in a clear, concise way. It's like UPS and FedEx versus the average postal service: It just doesn't compare.
So! I hope I helped, let me know if you want me to comment on anything more specific, kay! Ya know where to find me.
RG |
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