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ashleylee
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 Posted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:36 am Post subject: |
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Yeah, grammar is not my best either so no harm there 
With Philip, I'm want him to be silent but also be a leader they look up to. Hopefully that will come across more the further my chapters go. But I'll go back and work on that more in this chapter.
The kill thing was a big no-no. You'll see why in later installments, but they are kind of the typical vampire. (sorry *cringes* I know that sounds bad) They don't kill humans. But hopefully that doesn't make them too sterotypical. I did try making them unique!
Well, thanks for reading and I promise to keep writing! |
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lucyy
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| Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 1:41 pm Post subject: |
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Wow I'm really enjoying this (I seem to be using these words alot!)
I am seriously transfixed, I can't dstop reading the chapters!! You have a page-turner of a story here 
I love the way their eyes change colour with emotion .. very unique!! I haven't heard of that before, which is great, you're definately making your vampires your own
Off top read the next chapter ...
Lucyy xx |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 1:12 pm Post subject: |
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lucyy:
Your comments just make my day! I love coming onto YWS and seeing a review by you! It just brightens my mood!
I just can't thank you enough for taking the time to read all of these chapters. It means a lot! |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 11:51 pm Post subject: |
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| *edited* |
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Night Mistress
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 2:54 pm Post subject: |
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wow, ash.
as i said befoe in the other chapters, better than before.
i like the part about sophia's birth mother. will we ever get to meet her in the future chapter?
and re-reading this part makes me sad that sophia has lost carme, even thought she has turn him down. |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:06 pm Post subject: |
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Night Mistress:
Yeah, the Birth Mother will definitely be emphasized more. I wanted that to be a bigger part of Sophia's history.
I'm glad you enjoyed this.
I'll keep you posted for future rewrites.
Thanks so much, Bri! |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 4:03 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Ash,
I loved this chapter! Everything is just getting better and better! Your descriptions and the way Sophia is portrayed is just magnificent. The flashback was my favorite part because it shows she has a conscious, which is good. Your characters are really fleshing out and hopefully there'll be some type of conflict because I sorta feel it coming. Can't wait to read the next chapter.
Happy Writing,
-Angel |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 4:48 pm Post subject: |
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Angel of Death:
Thanks! You are too nice!
Yeah, this chapter was really were I started distinguishing my chapter away from other vampire books. Hopefully that was achieved
Thanks again for reading! |
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FreakyDoo12
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 11:59 am Post subject: |
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| C'est bon |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 4:14 pm Post subject: |
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FreakyDoo12:
You are so lucky my friend knows french...otherwise I would have been clueless to what you said.
But thanks! I'm glad you thought it was good. |
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KJ
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| Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 3:56 pm Post subject: |
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CHAPTER TWO: I don't understand why Sophia gets in such big trouble. She didn't even DO anything. You should explain this better.
Oh, and something I forgot to mention last chapter. Too many "you are" and "we will"s. This is modern day and, vampire or not, they'll pick up on modern day language.
And to the memory: If she's so consumed by instinct and desire, then there should be no logic there. Sophia shouldn't be thinking of her family finding the body, or of fairness to the human.
AND I HATE THAT CARMEN HAS MOVED ON! NOOOOO!
By the way, your characters are great - just feel so real  THe scene with Philip is also well done. |
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